Josh Billings on Ice Part 28

LXII.

JOSH TALKS.

"_Paul._"--Yu ask me what i think ov the "Gift Distributing bizziness,"

and i don't hesitate tew say, that it has awl the premonitory simptums ov a dead beat.

I hav alwus found that when enny man offers tew giv me ten dollars for 50 cents, he lies; i may think he means to do it, but he don't think so; but i may possibly c.u.m within 2 dollars and a half ov it once, and if i do, i hav dun well, a grate deal better than i will the next time.

I never put enny money into these swindles, and would as soon undertake tew raize a good sized greenback bi planting a s.h.i.+nplaster back ov the hog pen.

If yu get desperate, and feel az tho yu must gamble, or die, go 25 cents, odd or even, on the number ov hairs in a kat's back, and count them; this will cool yu oph.

"_Peter._"--I kant simpathize with yu, for i never was in love miself, and don't kno what iz best tew grease it with.

Put a plaster on yur back, and see if that won't help yu.

If yu don't git enny better, wash in kerosene ile, and eat sum green persimmons; if that don't make yu feel enny more eazier, git sea-sick, and lift up things; this will cure 9 times out ov ten.

If yu find you don't git enny better, take another dose ov sea-sickness.

If yu keep a gitting, finally, more wuss, yu hav got the real old yeller love, and no mistake.

Thare iz only one kure for this kind, and that iz the ile ov wedlock; but this iz very powerful, and wants tew be took with grate caution.

I hav known one dose ov it tew give a man phitts for life.

"_Brahma Pootra._"--Speaking ov hens, leads me tew remark, in the fust place, that hens, thus far, are a suckcess.

They are domestick, and occasionally are tuff.

This iz owing tew their not being biled often enuff in their yunger daze; but the hen ain't tew blame for this.

Biled hen is universally respekted.

Thare is a grate deal ov originality tew the hen--exactly how mutch i kant tell, historians fight so mutch about it. Sum say Knower had hens with him in the ark, and sum say he didn't. So it goes which and tuther.

I kant tell yu which was born fust, the hen or the egg; sumtimes i think the egg was--and sumtimes i think the hen was--and sumtimes i think i don't kno, and i kant tell now, which way is right, for the life of me.

Laying eggs is the hen's best grip.

A hen that kant lay eggs--is laid out.

One egg is konsidered a fair day's work for a hen. i hav heard ov their doing better, but i don't want a hen ov mine tew do it--it is apt tew hurt their const.i.tution and by-laws, and thus impaire their futer worth.

The poet sez, beautifully:

"Sumboddy haz stole our old blew hen!

I wish they'd let her bee; She used tew lay 2 eggs a day, And Sundays she'd lay 3."

This sounds trew enuff for poetry, but i will bet 75 thousand dollars that it never took place.

This bet stands open till the 17th day ov November next, at halff past twelve o'clock.

"_Student._"--Rats originally c.u.m from Norway, and i wish they had originally staid thare.

They are about as uncalled for as a pain in the small ov the back.

They kan be domestikated dreadful easy, that is, as far as gitting in cupboards, and eating cheese, and knawing pie, is concerned.

The best way tew domestikate them that ever i saw, is tew surround them gently, with a steel trap; yu kan reason with them then tew grate advantage.

Rats are migratorious, they migrately whare ever they hav a mind to.

Pisen is also good for rats; it softens their whole moral naturs.

Cats hate rats, and rats hate cats, and--who don't.

I serpose thare is between 50 and 60 millions of rats in Amerika (i quote now entirely from memory,) and i don't serpose thare is a single necessary rat in the whole lot. This shows at a glance how menny waste rats thare is. Rats enhance in numbers, faster than shoe pegs do by machinery. One pair ov helthy rats is awl that enny man wants tew start the rat bissiness with, and in ninety days, without enny outlay, he will begin tew hav rats,--tew turn oph.

Rats viewed from enny platform yu kan bild, are unspeakably cussid, and i would be willing tew make enny man who would destroy awl the rats in the United States, a valuable keepsake, say for instance either the life and sufferings ov Andy Johnson, in one vollum calf bound, or a receipt tew kure the blind staggers.

LXIII.

GIMBLITS.

When a man loses hiz health then he fust begins tew take good care on it. This iz good judgment! this iz!

Most people decline tew learn only bi their own experiense. I guess they are more than 1/2 right, for I don't serpoze a man can git a perfek idee on mola.s.ses kandy bi letting another feller taste it for him.

It iz a getting so no-a-daze if a man kant cheat in sum way he aint happy.

Success in life iz verry apt tew make us forget the time when we wasn't much. It iz jist so with the frog on the jump; he kant remember when he waz a tadpole--but other folks kan.

An individual, tew be a fine gentleman, has either got tew be born so or be brought up so from infansy; he kant learn it suddin enny more than he kan larn how tew tork injun correkly bi praktising on a tommyhawk.