Josh Billings on Ice Part 29

I wonder if thare ever waz an olde maid who ever herd on a match that she thought waz suitable.

If a man wants tew git at hiz aktual dimenshuns, let him visit a grave-yard.

I suppoze Adam iz the only man who ever lived and want never spanked.

I hav oftin sett down square on the ice, bi having mi feet git out ov plase; but i never could see ennything in it tew laff at, (espes.h.i.+la if thare waz sum water on the top ov the ise,) but i notis other folks kan.

Precepts are like kold bukwheat slap-jacks,--n.o.boddy feels like being sa.s.sy tew them, nor n.o.boddy wants tew adopt them.

If enny man wants tew be an olde bachelor, and git sick at a boarding tavern, and hav a back room in the 4th story, and hav a red haired chambermaid bring hiz water gruel tew him in a tin wash-basin, I hav alwus sed, and i stick tew it yet, he haz got a perfek right tew dew it.

It iz dreadful eazy work tew repent ov other folks sins--but not very profitable.

LXIV.

MORE CORRESPONDENCE.

LONG BRANCH, August 24th.

DEAR WEEKLY:--I seaze the opportunity--opportunitys are like pullet's eggs, they are small, and don't c.u.m only one at a time--tew tell yu by letter how mutch I am infatuated with Long Branch.

I arrived hear tew weeks ago, just in time tew see the Atlantick Ocean, which iz now on exhibition and doing a swelling bizziness tew full houses.

The fust thing I did after mi arrival waz tew _go in_, and I waz astonished tew find the water so high seasoned. I asked an intelligent natiff who stood on the bank, with both ov hiz hands in hiz pantaloon pockets, the cauze ov this saltuous phenomenon, and he informed me "_he didn't care_."

I think the cuss lied.

It iz perfectly heart-rending, and fills one ov mi mellow nature with tumults ov genuwine sorrow, tew see the gross amount ov young femailes here on track ov husbands and prospective fathers.

I counted 16 yesterday in one pile. They all drew in their breaths as I pa.s.sed by them with downcast eyes. I felt sorry awl the way through for them, but couldn't give them enny releaf, for I am thoroughly marrid, and intend to keep so.

Shoddy and Petroleum are both here, az full ov wind az a bellows, and attrakt az mutch attention az a pattent churn, warranted tew make good sweet b.u.t.ter from skim milk in ten minits; but they say "they shan't remain long, bekause it smells so much like old brine."

Yesterday I went out a crabbing, and caught a cart load ov them (several ov them with my hands).

Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country cousin.

Crabs are used for diet, but thare ain't mutch more meat in them than thare iz in a horse-shoe, and it iz about az difficult to arrive at.

They also hav the musketow here, a musikil bug, in great profusion; they travel around loose, and seem to know everyboddy.

The bathing here iz perfectly plenty, and the bathers resemble mermaids--half men and half wimmin--and when they emerge from the Atlantic Ocean you kant tell _which_ is _who_, unless you ask them.

After bathing yu feel a kind ov diskonsolate feeling, for which I was advised (by the resident physician) tew wet miself inside with sum whiskee.

I took one small wash, about a tumbler full, and immediately never felt so mutch like lifting things in awl mi life.

I thought I could lift an acre and a half of their light sandy land, and acktually tried tew do it, but after the whiskee let go its grip ov me I felt as though I could pursew an angle worm into her hole, and hadn't strength enuff left tew take a photograff ov me.

If ever I drink enny more Jersee whiskee, it will be after I am ded and gone.

Thare iz only one church here, and it kan hold so few that n.o.boddy don't _go_, out ov politeness.

Thare iz 21 hotels, and they are princ.i.p.ally bilt inside out, tew give the boarders az mutch salt wind az possible.

The lodging rooms are about the size ov a hencoop. Each one haz a door to them, two cracked wash bowls, and a wet towel.

Dinner iz paraded at 2 o'clock, and opens with soup, and shuts up with huckelberrys. Huckelberrys are the ruling pashun in New jersey.

The servants are designed tew be blak, but menny ov them hav resided so long amung the whites that they begin tew adopt our color.

Yesterday the Big Snake (which annually makes his appearance here, and at Nuport, and belongs tew the landlords ov the different taverns) waz distinktly visibel to the naked eye.

Az we stood gazing at the Black Crook, a very well drest man told me he hadn't enny doubt that this waz the old primary old serpent that snaked Eve out ov Paradise a fu years ago.

I waz so mutch pleased with the moral power ov the idee, that I immediately offered him six dollars for it, but he sed he waz engaged exclusively to write one year for the _Ledger_, and couldn't spare it.

He also sed "he had made snakes a studdy for 14 years," and gave us a long orashun about the different kind ov snake, (including the copper snake,) and did it in sich a kind ov a way that led me to beleaf he waz one ov yure cussed brunette republikans.

Thare was one feller, who wore gla.s.ses and looked with hiz mouth, sed "the entire snake waz an optik allussion, cauzed by the rays ov the oshun upon the philaktrick globbules ov the saline fluids."

The feller had a very perpindikular forehed, and wore hiz hair a grate deal behind, and looked tew me az tho he had been gittin himself in condition tew travail in the Holy Land.

One delikate little cherub ov a female (not an hour over 35 years) screamed tenderly, and begun tew feel for a snake.

One pensive creeture murmured "How bewitching!" and another sed "How egstatick!" but one coa.r.s.e individual spilte the whole effect ov the thing by bawling out, loud enuff for the snake to hear, "What a--lov a snake!" but the snake took no notis ov the remark, and soon skrewed himself out ov sight.

Adew.

LXV.