Josh Billings on Ice Part 35

If laber iz a cuss, it strikes me that laziness must be a blessing.

Bees are alwus quoted az patterns ov industry, but bees don't lay up enny hunny in those kuntrys whare the flowers bloom the year round.

But i am not in favour ov laziness, and don't recommend it, even if it iz natral, enny more than i would recommend murder, bekauze the fust man that waz born into the wurld saw fit tew kill the seckund one naturally.

I hav alwus looked upon a lazy man az a kind ov natral pirate, who lives upon the oats ov others, and don't think he haz enny more right tew live and be lazy than a snake haz.

In conclusion, laziness iz like red hair, the only way tew cure it iz to die.

I forgot to say that the lazyest man I ever knu lived a little southeast ov Dunkirk; he waz too lazy to pay hiz honest dets, or even wipe hiz noze, and so he let them both run.

THE PERFEKT MAN.

It is hard work tew be perf.e.c.kt, and yet thare is menny who reach perfekshun with fust rate skill.

Thare seems to be 2 kinds ov worldly perfekshun; one kind is very mutch like a squash; if it is good, it is good bekause it kant help it.

I alwus envy this kind, they don't hav enny intestine fights with themselfs; they are like an eight day clock, don't want winding up but onst a week.

Their morality is like the Eolian harp; even an east wind will play a pleasant tune upon it.

The other kind ov perfektion belongs tew those folks who kno they are perfekt, these kind ov perfectioners travel on their muscle, and wouldn't be afrade tew fight the Devil for 200 dollars a side.

Whenever yu find a man who is natrally perfekt, yu will find one who either never haz been temted or who haint got enny thing worth tempting. And whenever you find a man who sez he is perfekt, yu find one who want swatching az much az a buzz saw duz. Theze 2 kinds ov moral perfectioners are the only ones i kno ov in this wurld; we kan awl ov us imagine, and even hanker, for sumthing better than either ov theze, but perfekshun is not earthy, it roosts near the skeys.

THE FAULT-FINDING MAN.

Good Lord deliver us! Good Lord deliver us now this minnit! from the fault-finding man.

One ov yure wheezing cusses, i mean.

These kind ov humin critters are alwus full ov natral flesh; evry boddy iz wrong but they grab thissells, whare other folks gather figs. If they enjoy enny thing they do it under a kind ov protest, and if enny body else enjoys enny thing, they are reddy tew bet 10 dollars, they lie about it.

I pitty these poor fellers, more than i do a lost dorg.

Their happiness seems tew be alwus drawn from the top ov their misery.

Rather than not be able tew find enny fault, they wouldn't hezitate tew say tew an angle-worm, that his tail was altogether too long for the rest of his boddy.

They keep up a kind ov running fight, all their lives, with evry thing they c.u.m across, but seldum ever win a battle; they are like a second-rate bull terrier, alwus a fighting and alwus a gitting licked.

LXXIV.

JOSH DOES UP HIS CORRESPONDENCE.

"_Bushrod._"--I got yure faver bi this morning's mail, and taking oph mi cut, and rooling up mi sleeves, and spitting on mi hands, repli az follers:

If yu have got plenty ov brains, and no money, Nu York citty iz a good place tew c.u.m to, but if yu hav got plenty ov money, and no brains, stay right whare yu are, and keep in the house most always.

A ritch phool, in this citty, iz soon smelt out, and then don't last enny longer than a nuzeboy's brekfast.

If you haint got enny money, nor enny brains, steal a cow, the fust good chance yu kan git, and live quietly on the milk.

"_Deacon._"'--Yure question iz too big; i kant tell which i think iz the most preacher, Chapin or Beecher.

They kan, either ov them, preach the gospel up a heavier grade than enny men i kno ov, in North Amerika, including our rus.h.i.+ng possessions.

Sum folks think that religion consists in preaching the gospel thru yure noze, and that piety iz a kind ov moral jandies, but i don't; i beleave the Lord iz not angry at a lively christian, provided he iz level, and duz bizz square, after dark.

Sum people are down on sensashun preachers, but i aint. Paul waz a sensas.h.i.+oner ov the best brand, and i kno ov lots ov places now, whare a man could preach the gospel, with one hand on hiz revolver, and do a good bizzness.

The world iz choked up with human beings, who hav either got tew be skared or drove into heaven, if they ever git thare.

I kan imagine that it iz hard work for a man, with a head full ov lightning, not tew flash once in a while, but lightning don't skare me; I had rather be struk with it, than tew be strangled with sawdust.

Thare iz plenty of churches in the United States left, whare yu kan have religion measured out to yu by the small meazure, and whare piety sits like an owl on its roost. If yu are afrade ov lightning, tend one ov theze.

I have sot under dull and under lively preeching, and i say, (if thare iz enny to spare,) give me the lively.

"_Molly._"--Street dresses are worn here almost unanimously; in fackt, it iz impossibel tew see enny kind ov a femail in the streets without sum kind of a dress on--i mean street dress.

They are made in the shape ov a dinner-bell, and fit just about az tight.

Waterfalls are a peg higher than they waz, and soon will be worn on the top ov the hed, like a rooster's comb.

Hoop skirts are close-reefed, and tilters are on their last leggs.

Kid gloves are the rage in lavender; the more lavender the better, and the hair eddys in front, like a nest ov yung whirlpools just hatched out, and drops down behind from the waterfall in one link a foot long, about the size ov a rope, with the pucker coming out ov it.

"_Barney_"--I received the rat tarrier yu sent me by the Merchants'

Union Express, last evening, and gave him a quart ov milk for hiz tea.

He pocketed the milk, and wagged for sum more; it made him stick out like a false caff.

He slept sound last night, and hasn't waked up yet, altho it iz now 10 o'clock this morning.

I have stopped writing tew tickle hiz nose with a pin, and he iz now rus.h.i.+ng things around the room for sum rats.

He haz just tipped over a Chinese G.o.d, worth 8 dollars, and broke him, he will git rats when mi wife c.u.ms in.

He kant find enny rats, and is now chawing oph mi little boy's toe--to hiz shoe.

He iz now crazy for rats agin, and will smash the other vase agin, I'll bet.