Josh Billings on Ice Part 36

Thare goes the other vase, bi thunder! all tew powder.

He iz now out ov wind, and iz running hiz tung out and in.

He wants tew go out doors for sumthing, and i hav let him went.

He haz just found a poor little boy in the street, whom he knows, and the boy seems tew know him, and they hav gone round the next block, on a run, together, tew see sumthing.

He don't seem tew c.u.m back!

It iz now to-morrow, and the tarrier don't seem tew c.u.m back.

My wife iz glad ov it.

I am out 2 vases, a quart of nu milk, and one tarrier.

My wife sez, if i ever buy another rat pup, she will put him tew immediate soak in the cistern at onst.

Mi wife iz one ov them kind ov wimmin that don't make enny statements unless they are true, so yu needn't send me enny more tarrier.

LXXV.

CUPID ON A RAID.

It iz real singular what a man-killer and a woman killer the G.o.d Cupid iz for one ov hiz heft.

He iz piktured out on paper about the size of a four-year old fat boy baby, with a pair of wings about az large as a boss b.u.t.terfly's, and iz armed with a bow and arrows, that might possibly answer tew kill b.u.mbelbees at four paces.

This little fellow haz bagged more game with hiz wooden shuteing irons than aul the powder and shot that ever haz been built can brag ov.

I suppoze that it is generally known that he shutes from under cover, at both long and short range, and never iz seen himself.

He haz in hiz quiver innumerable arrows, sum few ov them dipped in genuine love, and feathered with good sense, but most ov them would seem too trifling tew be at all dangerous if I hadn't, with mi own eyes, noticed him at work with them, both at male and female game, both sitting and flieing, and seen the many ded shots he haz made.

I have been at sum pains for the last tew seazons tew watch hiz manoovers, whare I have happened tew be, and the following reckord iz a faithful history of this little chap's b.l.o.o.d.y bizz:

--> Ben Sloc.u.m, aged 19 years, weight about 190 pounds, and a good eater, at work by the month for Farmer Brown, hoeing corn, received hiz death wound from a garter belonging to Rachel Tucker, Brown's hired girl, as the said Tucker waz learning tew jump the rope down in the garden.

--> Kate Freelove, youngest daughter of I. S. Freelove, Esq., who could play big on the pianner, and had studied Latin one quarter, waz shot thru and thru by a paper ov Stuart's mixed candys that Frank Fever sent her.

--> John Davis got his mutton cooked bi a spit-curl that waz dangling on Angeline Brown's forehead.

--> Bill Weatherby, a dry goods clerk, died suddenly bi gitting in range ov one ov Roxy Mathew's sweetest smiles, darted acrost the counter.

--> Sally Munson disseased without a struggle. Cause--d.i.c.k Fenton's No.

7 patent leather boots, and Californy soltaire.

--> Master David Mentor, aged 12 years, departed this life at a district school-house while sharpening little Libby Sherman's slate pensil.

--> Sam Benson, butcher, wounded with a hoop skirt, got better, then was struck plumb dead by a false calf, in the Bowery.

--> Lawrence Peters, aged 60, and for 30 years a consistent bachelor, lived only an hour, in grate agony, atfer eating warm apple pies at Widow Stebbins's.

--> Matt Marshall, worth 250 thousand in 7-30's, waz give up for ded, the arrow pa.s.sing direktly thru hiz heart, from Maggie Morse's tucker, but recovered instantly upon learning that Maggie's father waz only worth 75 thousand.

--> Frank Hunter, maimed for life by a black balmoral with an orange stripe in it.

--> Tabitha Spencer, slightly tuff, had been shot at a hundred times, and always mist, waz finally fetched by the Rev. Furbush, in his grate act, reading the 146th hymn, common meter.

--> Seth Perkins, tailor, waz slain, goose in hand, by a pucker in the eye ov Hanner Hemstich's cambric needle.

--> Matilda Alabaster Jones, caught her death by a squeeze from the hand of Fitzherbert Augustus Boliver, only son ov Duke Mose Boliver.

This squeeze took place last Friday.

--> Jack Tindar, killed instantly at Saratoger, on the 15th ov last August, by four shots at once, from the eyes ov Jane Smirk, and her cuzzin Tildy.

--> Spencer Richards was wantonly murdered by a chance shot, in a crowd, from an opera gla.s.s.

LXXVI.

JOSH COMMUNES WITH HIS FRIENDS.

Dear Joe--Your letter came by the last mail and brought with it menny thoughts ov that sunny time when yu and I waz boys, and slid down hill together. Yu ask for mi advise upon a topick which iz always a delikate one for a third party to mix in with; but yu are aware that I am not very delikate, and don't hesitate tew launch mi opinion, espes.h.i.+ly when invited to do it. I consider advise generally wasted, and most sure to be when given upon the matter in question, but i hav a large stock ov it on hand, and shan't miss what i devote to you.

By awl means, Joe, git married, if yu hav got a fair show. Don't stand s.h.i.+vvering on the bank; but pitch in and stick yure head under, and the s.h.i.+ver iz awl over. Thare aint enny more trick in gitting marrid, after yu are ready, than there iz in eating peanuts. Menny a man haz stood s.h.i.+vvering on the sh.o.r.e till the river haz awl run out. Don't expect tew marry an angel; the angels hav awl been picked up long ago.

Remember, Joe, yu aint a saint yureself. Don't marry for buty excloosively; buty iz like ice, awful slippery, and thaws dredful eazy.

Don't marry for garments; dry goods are uncommon deceptibus; they are like the feathers on a blue-jay--pick oph the feathers, and thare aint nothing left. Don't marry for munny; munny may make yu respectabel, but kan't make you honnest nor happy. Don't marry excloosively for luv neither; luv iz like a cooking-stove, good for nothing when the fuel gives out. But marry a mixtur. Let the mixtur be: sum buty, bec.u.mingly dressed, with about 225 dollars in her pocket; a good speller, handy and neat in the house, plenty ov good sense, a tuff const.i.tution and by-laws, small feet, and a light stepper; add tew this, clean teeth, and a warm heart; the whole tew be well shaken before taken. This mixtur will keep in enny climate, and not evaporate. If the cork happens tew be left out for two or three minutes, the strength aint awl gone.

Joe, for heaven's sake don't marry for pedigree; thare aint much in pedigree, unless it iz backed up bi bank stock; a family, with nothing but pedigree, generally lacks sense; they are like a kight with tew much tail; if they would only take oph sum ov the tail, they mite possibly git up, but they are always tew ill.u.s.trious to take off any tail.

Let me hear from yu again, Joe, soon.

But mi dear fellow, don't be afrade; wedlok iz az natral az milk, but in course thare iz sum difference in milk about highsting cream, but there iz one thing that don't vary, and that iz awl milk tew have the cream rize good, and keep sweet, must be kept in a cool place, not be rousted up tew often.

Don't be an olde bachelor; lonesum, and selfish, crawling out ov yure hole, in the morning, like a s.h.i.+ny backed beetle, and then backing into it again, late every night, suspicious, and suspected.

I would az soon be a stuffed rooster, set up in a show window, or a tin weather c.o.c.k, on the ridge-pole of a female seminary, az a lonesum bachelor, jeered at by awl the virginity ov the land.

_Jeremiah._--Don't confuse learning and wisdum; thare iz jist az mutch diffrence between them az thare iz between fruit that iz raized in a hott-house and that which ripens out doors, smiled upon bi the sun, and shook up by the wind and the storm.

When the two hitch up together, they are a bully team.