Josh Billings on Ice Part 8

Barnaba.s.s Bonesett, M.D., (mutch dokter,) chuck full ov faith, bloze his horn, and bi these presents duz blo hiz horn about hiz "Lightning Express and Serio-Sensation pills" a c.u.mfert and a joy to man.

Theze pills are of rutes--rutey, and kost the Author 4 years in the wilderness, besides sleepless nights, and anxious days, tew git them down to a spot, without blemish and filled with fun.

These pills will kure deffness, dipthery and dandruff--are good for baldness, bronkreeters and baksliding--are sertin tew heal hedake, hifalutin, and hangnails--will remove warts, windgauls and wens--destroy awl longings, la.s.situdes, laziness--will soothe the sorrowful, cam the crazy, and kure a common sized fit in 2 minnits.

They are closs packed in little round boxes, and each little box kontains 2 dozen and 2, or no sail.

Each box iz dun up in a trakt, which sez that they are az sure to cure, az lightning iz tew strike what it starts for.

On the top ov the box iz a full sized painting ov the Author, with a grub hoe in one hand, and a whole pa.r.s.ell ov roots in the other--with a napsack on hiz back, and mountains in the distance, tew which he iz pinting with the grub hoe--them iz the mountains whare he gits the rutes.

On the top ov each little round box, iz these words, in a forrin tung, "_Hocus pocus, quod constallus_," which being biled down means, "_purely vegetabels_."

For sum more partikulars, c.u.mmune with the author.

(Signed) BARNABa.s.s BONESETT, M.D.

XVIII.

JOSH IN SARATOGA.

SARATOGA, _Sept. 8, 1867_.

DEAR WEEKLY:--Don't think I am going to ruin, don't think i am totaly spilte, bekauze yu happen to hear from me at this grate drinking place.

I am here on urgent and melankolly bizzness, looking for mi Newfoundland pup, not quite 5 months old yet, that I lost lately.

Saratogy never appeared tew me so free from _white swellings_ az it duz now. I haint seen a dozen people ov the ballon purswas.h.i.+on, but almost evry one i meets ackts just az tho they had sum good common sense, and had brought enuff along with them to last while they staid.

Shoddy & Petroleus hav gone tew Europe, to astonish Paris with their paste diamonds and fire gilt familys.

Thare is about 4 thousand strangers here just now, and the liberal way that they invest in the katharticks ov the situation iz suggestive.

Yesterday i saw a bride and her new feller at Congress Spring. She waz a rosy and a roomy bride. He waz bilt to run in shallow water, rather a light draft chap, i thought; but he took 9 consekutiff gla.s.ses without flinching, and, i think, would have held one more.

He looked a hundred pounds bigger. I waz filled with horror at the sight, but soon had aul mi fears soothed, when i saw almost everybody present wash themsels internally with five or six tumblers full ov this liquid salts and perilash.

Congress Hall iz being rebuilt with bricks on the old ground, and iz at least 15 rods front on Broadway, with 2 wings az menny rods deep, and will cost 400 thousand dollars, and will feed, sleep, and physick one thousand festive sons and daughters at onst.

Evry house here, except the churches, iz a boarding house; aul the femail seminiaries, and akademys of the arts and sciences, fill up their summer vakations with spring-water pupils.

The great tiger ov the place iz the hi rock spring; this now flows over its conical summit, something that it haz not done before for 300 years, and besides being a good artickle ov physick, is probably the greatest natral curiousness this side ov the temple of Solomon, his 500 wives and 300 good-looking collaterals inkluded.

Take the kathartics out ov Saratogy, and thare wouldn't be ennything left ov deep interest, but a pale yeller, sandy sile, that haint got moral strength enuff in it tew hold a fense-post up straight, unless the hole waz well manured first.

But, with some 10 or 15 ov theze mineral springs that will kure ennything, from a broken heart tew the spring halt--water the most sparkling--water that biles and bubbles, without money, and without even stamps, and has biled ever since Cain waz a babe--I say, with such a legacy, Saratogy iz today the surest place on the breast ov the earth to git a good loose drink.

My stay here will necessarily be small; i kant git no track ov mi Newfoundland pup, with one white foot and a star in his forehead; and bizzness before drinking being one ov mi best holts, i shall leave here before long for Montreal or Saint Lewis, in search ov the dogg.

The annual races pa.s.sed oph with the usual amount ov burglarys, and pocket-book thieveries, but I was told yesterday, by one ov the first citizens, that yu kan leave a roll ov bank bills (since the races) lying on the sidewalk, and n.o.boddy would pick it up for the fust two days.

I haven't tried this myself, nor don't intend to, for fear thare might be just one slippery cuss left in the place, and one man could raize up a rowl ov bills for me, just as eazy az 40 could.

I havn't got munny, nor grit enuff, to indulge in sich moral experiments.

The ground, whare the old United States Hotel stood, remains kivered with the debris ov that melankolly and hot fire, which reduced tew ashes and old bricks, the most popular and fas.h.i.+onable dry goods emporium in the universe ov America.

I have it from _Jenkins_, (who is here now gitting himself pliable,) that az soon az one or two objectionable partners can be smoked out ov the ring, then the balance ov them will build on the grounds a hotel that will make--Rome howl.

The Union and the Clarendon are the two champions now, and both ov them hav a full stummuk ov clean looking, and very decent ackting pa.s.sengers.

Thare iz sum very elaborate rigs here; one that I saw yesterday waz quite "_uneak_." (I don't know whether this word iz just the thing tew use in this spot, but it sounds big, and strange, and that iz awl that I care for.)

The rig consisted ov a yello buggy, with a black b.u.g.g.e.r driving, clothed in drab broadcloth, with bras b.u.t.tons, and c.o.c.kade on a plug hat with a velvet belly band around it, and salmon colored gloves, and a 10 foot whip-stork, with a spotted dogg under the front axletree, and 3 hosses in injun file, two blacks, and the one on the lead the color ov cream.

_Jenkins_ told me, that they were the only shoddy team here, and belonged tew a young fellow from Melankton 4 corners, in the state ov Conneckticut, whose father has raked in 2 millions, by making beeswax out ov a very little mutton tallow, and a good deal ov injun meal.

But it won't do to believe awl that _Jenkins_ sez; he has lied so consekutive for the last 15 years, that hiz front teeth hav awl decayed out.

One ov the perennial feeters ov Sarotogy, iz a drove ov tame injuns, with their squaws, and young porpoises, who c.u.m here each drinking season, from the outlines ov Kanada, laiden with braided baskets, bags ov beads, and harmless bows and arrows.

Theze people might hav bin good injuns onst, but each successive porpoise grows paler, and meaner, and if it want for their nastyness, there aint 3 boarding-school misses in the whole land, with poetry enuff in their bild tew call them "the n.o.ble red men ov the forest."

The fact ov it iz, thare iz more truth than poetry in injuns, and the _truth_ iz, that keyenne whiskey, and other kinds ov civilization, has outflanked them.

It requires a grate deal ov good sense tew stand whiskey and civilization.

A wild injun iz a most magnificent cuss without doubt, but a tame injun, one with more milk than mola.s.ses in hiz face, iz almost az near good for nothing, az a counterfit bill, on the bank ov Newfoundland.

Injuns, tew be good and profitable, must live at least 2 thousand miles from ennyboddy else, and always stay at home, and never see a missionary.

P.S.--I hav just this minnit received a dispatch that thare iz one more nufoundland pupp in Freehold, New Jersey, this morning than thare waz yesterday at this time, with a fu white hairs on the end ov his tail.

I shall start immegiately, and if i kan only rescue mi pup before he gits contaminated, I shall be az proud az a rooster. In haste, good bye.

JOSH BILLINGS.

XIX.

SUM VEGETABEL HISTORY.