Josh Billings on Ice Part 9

The strawberry is one ov natur's sweet pets.

She makes them worth fifty cents, the fust she makes, and never allows them tew be sold at a mean price.

The culler ov the strawberry iz like the setting sun under a thin cloud, with a delicate dash of the rain bo in it; its fragrance iz like the breath ov a baby, when it fust begins tew eat wintergreen lossingers; its flavor is like the nektar which an old-fas.h.i.+oned G.o.ddess used tew leave in the bottom ov her tumbler, when Jupiter stood treat on Mount Ida.

There iz menny breeds ov this delightful vegetable, but not a mean one in the whole lot.

I think i have stole them, laying around loose, without enny pedigree, in sumboddy's tall gra.s.s, when I waz a lazy schoolboy, that eat dredful easy, without enny white sugar on them, and even a bug occasionally mixed with them in the hurry of the moment. Cherrys are good, but they are too mutch like sucking a marble, with a handle tew it. Peaches are good, if yu don't git enny ov the pin-feathers into yure lips.

Watermelons will suit ennyboddy who iz satisfied with half-sweetened drink; but the man who can eat strawberrys, besprinkled with crushed shuggar, and besmattered with sweet cream (at sumboddy else's expense), and not lay hiz hand on hiz stummuk, and thank the author ov strawberrys and stummuks, and the ph.e.l.low who pays for the strawberrys, iz a man with a worn-out conscience--a man whose mouth tastes like a hole in the ground, that don't care what goes down it.

Kokernuts grow up in the air, in a hot climate way over the ocean, about 80 feet from the ground--on the top ov a tree.

They are generally picked bi the monkeys in that naborhood, who throw them at the natives, in exchange for the stones that the natives heave at the monkeys.

They grow az a negro's head duz, with a good deal ov skull tew them.

A kokernut, after it haz bin scalpt, resembles an old ten pin ball, only a little more round one way than tuther.

On the end ov the nut toward you iz 2 eyes, fast asleep. The kokernut iz opened bi breaking the skull and this brings them tew their milk.

The milk in the kokernut haz never bin explained yet, and the reazon iz, becauze n.o.boddy has ever asked me tew do it.

Whenever the philosophers "giv it up," i shall reply tew the konundrum.

Az an artikle ov diet, the koker iz about on a level with the french raw turnip, and iz az hard tew digest az one ov Secretary Seward's letters ov State.

Biled koker might possibly be good, if it warnt a grate deal better when it waz raw; and raw kokernuts iz only good for children and young greyhounds tew eat, whose stummuks are like a nutmeg grater.

The only real good thing about this forrin nut iz its skull; they kan be cut into 2, and made into drinking kups, and i must konfess, they do look kind, when laid on a clean flatt stun in the side ov a meadow spring; but i kant drink out ov them myself, without thinking that if they hadn't been cut in 2, what a kapital thing they would be tew bild a young darkey to.

But this iz only a phoolish noshun ov mine, and probably it couldn't be did enny how.

It iz now about 8 or eleven years, since folks begun tew hanker after the Tomater. About that time, sum doktor ov pills, dissekted one ov theze vagrant vegetabels, and diskovered sum doktor stuff in them.

Az soon az folks found out they waz fisick, they begun tew be verry sweet on the tomater.

At that time they waz in the habit ov growing in sly places, whare they want afraid, over behind stone walls, amung broken jugs, ded kats, and old injun-rubber boots, for peopel wouldn't let them grow in gardins enny more than they would a kanaday thissell.

They were vagabond weeds, and even a woods hogg wouldn't eat one ov the berrys that grew on them, enny quicker than he would a bawl ov red stocking yarn.

But it waz decided that there waz sum pills in them, and they were putt tu nuss, in pots, and vases, and lived on the phatt ov the land, in hott houses, along side ov tiger lilys, and rozes ov Sharon.

It took most folks about 18 months ov perseverance and sea sickness, tew git the tomater to go quietly down, and now, from a vile weed, more smelly than a deseased klam, the tomatow haz actually got to be more honorabel than a bukwheat slapjack, or even a punkin pie.

This shows what love and affekshun will do.

I haven't enny doubt that if Professor Ratsbane would say profes.h.i.+onally, that wasps nests waz good to make a mustash grow black, half the men in the kuntry would git a wasp and go into the nest bizzness.

I don't beleave a tomater will keep a man enny more helthy than red clover will, but i am just like evry body else, i wanted tew git sum better than i waz, and i went to skool to the tomato, and have got learnt how tew eat them, if they are filled with salt and pepper, and soaked well in good sider vinegar.

I hav seen folks pick them oph from the vines in the gardin, and eat them right down alive; i would az soon undertake tew eat a handful ov putty.

But tomatoze hav worked themselfs up to a necessary, and i am the last man to injure their reputashun, for i beleave an innocent humbugg iz just az mutch right tew win, (if they kan) az any other man.

There iz one thing I do hope, and that iz that n.o.body will undertake tew make kastor ile one ov the luxurys until after i am dead, for kastor ile and bed buggs iz 2 things that i solemly sware i won't hav, if they git to be ever so fas.h.i.+nable.

XX.

JOSH REPLIZE TEW CORRESPONDENTS.

_Mastiff._--I kant tell yu the best kind ov a dogg tew buy; but for a man of limited means, i think the wodden dogg iz the most cheapest.

They are the less liabel tew git out ov repare, and ain't awl the time following folks oph. They kant wag their tales, but that kan be remydied by having them made without enny. They are not apt tew be noizy in the night; but if yu want one tew frighten away the robbers, awl yu hav got tew dew iz tew hav one made with the bark on.

_Walton._--Yu are right about it; the bull-head aint a game fish, although they die hard. I kant giv yu enny posatiff rule to be a game fisher. Pashunce iz a good thing tew hav. I would advise yu to practiss, for the fust year, in a tan vat, with a leather line, and a skillet handle for a fish hook; yu may not ketch mutch fish, but yu will learn how tew twitch butifully.

_Davenport._--I beleave in the doktrin ov spiritualism--that iz, i beleave it iz a smart doktrin. A man haz tew hav a United States juggler's license now before he kan beleave in the doktrin. I beleave in raps on the table, but when i hear them c.u.m pretty loud and fast i make up mi mind that sumboddy iz gitting badly eukered. I don't rekolekt ov but one communikashun between spirits that iz menshuned in the Bible, and that took place between Lazarus and another gentleman.

It iz pleasant to know that one ov these spirits waz a pure one, and that he had awl the advantage (ov the other gentleman) in the argument, and in the posishun.

_Eazell._--I kant tell yu who painted the Greek Slave; she aint on exhibishun. They are gitting the fine arts almost perf.e.c.k now-a-days.

One feller in Pittsburg haz painted a sorrell hors so perfekly that the hair awl c.u.m oph from the hors. And another fellar haz just _finished_ a Durham cow that he had _salted down_ last fall for family use. And another artiss haz got a Nufoundland pupp in hiz studio reddy--that he haz bin offered 10 dollars for bi the owner, and no questions asked.

_Parent._--I kant tell yu the best way tew bring up a boy; but, if i had one that didn't lie well enuff tew suit me, i think now i would set him tew tending a dri goods store. Probably, one ov the best ways to bring up a boy in the way he should go, iz tew travel that woy ourselfs, once in a while. Still thare aint no sure thing; I have seen them brought up az kerful az a lappdog, and then go tew the devil jist az soon az they could strike the right track. And then agin, i hav saw them c.u.m out ov sumboddy's gutter and wash up like a dimond. Raising boys iz a good deal like raising colts; if yu don't git more than one out ov ten that iz a fast one, yu are dewing fust rate. A grate menny men hanker for a boy tew transmit their reputashun to! i konsider this about az risky az the hen's egg bizzness; thare iz always sum chances agin it--one iz, that the eggs may be spilte before they start for market, and another iz, they may git busted in carrying.

XXI.

LIST OF HOUSEN TEW LET.

FURNISHED AND UNFURNISHED.

BI * * * * *.

_Real Estate Agent and Property Broker._

_Number One_--Gothick cottage, (with chimbleys, and windo blinds attached,) and water, (in the suller,) lokated for the present on the south-east angle ov Soap and Myrtle streets; house kontains a bay windo; would suit a lawyer or a blacksmith. Rent, for the summer months, (including the good will ov the naberhood,) $4,500. No children and doggs aloud on the premises. Cards, tew view the hous, kan be obtained ov the agent (admitting a gentleman and 2 ladys) for the trifling sum ov 5 dollars. N.B.--This hous waz taken yesterday, and customers are forbid tew bother the agent bi inquiring about it.

_Number Two_--Will be tew rent in a fu daze; the hous iz being put in perf.e.c.k order bi being whitewashed, and the floor sprinkled with sum sand. This hous is a cross ov the Ionian & Dorick style, waz built when lumber waz ska.r.s.e, and iz almitey hard finished throughout, rat-holes awl plugged up, and a bottle ov bed bugg pizen, neatly labeled, and hung up in each room. To a tenant who kan bring testimony, and a good pedigree, this hous would be leased for a term ov 30 or 40 years, for about 2,500 hundred dollars a year, the tenant tew pay the taxes, and remove the mortgages now on the premises, and put in the ga.s.s, and git the hous insured for 6,000 dollars, and a.s.sign the polisy tew the agent az collatteral security for the faithful performanse ov the kontrakt.

N.B.--If thare iz enny things else that i hav forgot tew menshun about the terms, the tenant kan hav them inserted, when the papers are drawed up, without extra charge.