The Works of Henry Fielding Part 32

_Mrs M_. Ah! filthy beast, come not near me.

_May_. But I will, though; I am for liberty and property; I'll vote for no courtiers, wife.

_Mrs M_. Indeed, but you shall, sir.

_Miss M_. I hope you won't vote for a nasty stinking Tory, papa.

_May_. What a pox! are you for the courtiers too?

_Miss M_. Yes, I hope I am a friend to my country; I am not for bringing in the pope.

_May_. No, nor I an't for a standing army.

_Mrs M_. But I am for a standing army, sir; a standing army is a good thing: you pretend to be afraid of your liberties and your properties--you are afraid of your wives and daughters: I love to see soldiers in the town; and you may say what you will, I know the town loses nothing by 'em.

_May_. The women don't, I believe.

_Mrs M_. And I'll have you know, the women's wants shall be considered, as well as yours. I think my lord and the colonel do you too much honour in offering to represent such a set of clownish, dirty, beggarly animals--Ah! I wish we women were to choose.

_May_. Ay, we should have a fine set of members then, indeed.

_Mrs M_. Yes, sir, you would have none but pretty gentlemen--there should not be one man in the House of Commons without a laced coat.

_Miss M_. O la! what a delicate, fine, charming sight that would be! Well, I like a laced coat; and if ever I am taken into keeping, it shall be by a man in a laced coat.

_May_. What's that you say, minx? What's that you say?

_Mrs M_. What's that to you, sir?

_May_. Why, madam, must not I speak to my own daughter?

_Mrs M_. You have the greater obligation to me, sir, if she is: I am sure, if I had thought you would have endeavoured to ruin your family, I would have seen you hanged before you should have had any by me.

_May_. I ruin my family!

_Mrs M_. Yes, I have been making your fortune for you with my lord; I have got a place for you, but you won't accept on't.

_Miss M_. You shall accept on't.

_Mrs M_. You shall vote for my lord and the colonel.

_Miss M_. They are the finest men--

_Mrs M_. The prettiest men--

_Miss M_. The sweetest men--

_Mrs M_. And you shall vote for them.

_May_. I won't be bribed.

_Mrs M_. A place is no bribe--ask the parson of the parish if a place is a bribe.

_May_. What is the place?

_Mrs M_. I don't know what the place is, nor my lord does not know what it is, but it is a great swingeing place.

_May_. I will have the place first. I won't take a bribe, I will have the place first; liberty and property! I'll have the place first. [_Exit_.

_Mrs M_. Come, my dear, follow me; I'll see whether he shall vote according to his conscience or mine.

I'll teach mankind, while policy they boast, They bear the name of power, we rule the roast.

_Trap_. There ends act the second. [_Exeunt_ Mrs _and_ Miss Mayoress.] Mr Fustian, I inculcate a particular moral at the end of every act; and therefore, might have put a particular motto before every one, as the author of Caesar in Egypt has done: thus, sir, my first act sweetly sings, Bribe all; bribe all; and the second gives you to Understand that we are all under petticoat-government; and my third will--but you shall see. Enter my lord Place, colonel Promise, and several voters. My lord, you begin the third act.

_Enter_ Lord PLACE, Col. PROMISE, and _several_ Voters.

_Place_. Gentlemen, be a.s.sured I will take care of you all; you shall all be provided for as fast as possible; the customs and the excise afford a great number of places.

1 _Voter_. Could not your lords.h.i.+p provide for me at court?

_Place_. Nothing easier: what sort of a place would you like?

1 _Voter_. Is not there a sort of employment, sir, called--beef-eating?--If your lords.h.i.+p please to make me a beef-eater--I would have a place fitted for my capacity.

_Place_. Sir, I will be sure to remember you.

2 _Voter_. My lord, I should like a place at court too; I don't much care what it is, provided I wear fine cloaths, and have something to do in the kitchen or the cellar; I own I should like the cellar, for I am a devilish lover of sack.

_Place_. Sack, say you? Odso, you shall be poet-laureat.

2 _Voter_. Poet! no, my lord, I am no poet, I can't make verses.

_Place_. No matter for that--you'll be able to make odes.

2 _Voter_. Odes, my lord! what are those?

_Place_. Faith, sir, I can't tell well what they are; but I know you may be qualified for the place without being a poet.

_Trap_. Now, my lord, do you file off, and talk apart with your people; and let the colonel advance.

_Fust_. Ay, faith, I think it is high time for the colonel to be heard.

_Col_. Depend upon it, sir; I'll serve you.

_Fust_. Upon my word the colonel begins very well; but has not that been said already?