The Works of Henry Fielding Part 33

_Trap_. Ay, and if I was to bring a hundred courtiers into my play, they should all say it--none of them do it.

3 _Voter_. An't please your honour, I have read in a book called Fog's Journal that your honour's men are to be made of wax; now, sir, I have served my time to a wax-work maker, and desire to make your honour's regiment.

_CoL_ Sir, you may depend on me.

3 _Voter_. Are your officers to be made of wax too, sir? because I would prepare a finer sort for them.

_CoL_ No, none but the chaplain.

3 _Voter_. O! I have a most delicate piece of black wax for him.

_Trap_. You see, sir, the colonel can speak when military affairs are on the carpet. Hitherto, Mr Fustian, the play has gone on in great tranquillity; now you shall see a scene of a more turbulent nature. Come, enter the mob of both sides, and cudgel one another off the stage. Colonel, as your business is not to fight at present, I beg you would go off before the battle comes on; you and your brother candidate come into the middle of the stage; you voters range yourselves under your several leaders. [_The mob attempt to break in_.] Pray, gentlemen, keep back; mind, the colonel's going off is the cue for the battle to enter. Now, my lord, and the colonel, you are at the head of your parties--but hold, hold, hold! you beef-eater, go you behind my lord, if you please; and you soldier-maker, come you behind the colonel: now, gentlemen, speak.

_Place_ and _Col_ Gentlemen, we'll serve you.

[_My lord and the colonel flle off at different doors, the parties following_.

_Enter mob on each side of the stage, crying out promiscuously_.

Down with the Rump! No courtiers! No Jacobites! Down with the pope!

No excise! A Place and a Promise! A Fox-chace and a Tankard! _At last they fall together by the ears, and cudgel one another off the stage_.

_Enter_ Sir HARRY, Squire TANKARD, _and_ Mayor.

_Sir H_. Bravely done, my boys, bravely done; faith, our party has got the day.

_May_. Ay, Sir Harry, at dry blows we always come off well; if we could but disband the army, I warrant we carried all our points. But faith, sir, I have fought a hard battle on your account; the other side have secured my wife; my lord has promised her a place, but I am not to be gulled in that manner: I may be taken like a fish in the water, by a bait; but not like the dog in the water, by a shadow.

_Sir H_. I know you are an honest man, and love your country.

_May_. Faith, that I do, Sir Harry, as well as any man; if my country will but let me live by it, that's all I desire.

_Fust_. Mr Mayor seems to have got himself sober very suddenly.

_Trap_. Yes, so would you too, I believe, if you had been scolded at by your wife as long as he has; but if you think that is not reason enough, he may be drunk still, for any reason I see to the contrary: pray, sir, act this scene as if you was drunk.

_Fust_. Nay, I must confess, I think it quite out of character the mayor to be once sober during the whole election.

_Tank_. [_drunk_.] A man that won't get drunk for his country is a rascal.

_May_. So he is, n.o.ble squire; there's no honesty in a man that won't be drunk--A man that won't drink is an enemy to the trade of the nation.

_Sir H_. Those were glorious days when honest English hospitality flourished; when a country gentleman could afford to make his neighbours drunk, before your d.a.m.ned French fas.h.i.+ons were brought over. Why, Mr Mayor, would you think it? there are many of these courtiers who have six starved footmen behind a coach, and not half a hogshead of wine in their house; why, how do you think all the money is spent?

_May_. Faith, I can't tell.

_Sir H_. Why, in houses, pictures, lace, embroidery, nick-nacks, Italian singers, and French tumblers; and those who vote for them will never get a dinner of them after the election is over.

_May_. But there is a thought comes often into my head, which is this; if these courtiers be turned out, who shall succeed them?

_Sir H_. Who? why, we!

_Tank_. Ay, we!

_Sir H_. And then we may provide for our friends. I love my country, but I don't know why I may not get something by it as well as another; at least to reimburse me.--And I do a.s.sure you, though I have not bribed a single vote, my election will stand me in a good five thousand pounds.

_Tank_. Ay, and so will mine me: but if ever we should get uppermost, Sir Harry, I insist upon immediately paying off the debts of the nation.

_Sir H_. Mr Tankard, that shall be done with all convenient speed.

_Tank_. I'll have no delay in it, sir.

_May_. There spoke the spirit of a true Englishman: ah! I love to hear the squire speak; he will be a great honour to his country in foreign parts.

_Sir H_. Our friends stay for us at the tavern; we'll go and talk more over a bottle.

_Tank_. With all my heart; but I will pay off the debts of the nation.

_May_. Come to the tavern then:-- There, while brisk wine improves our conversation, We at our pleasure will reform the nation.

_Trap_. There ends act the third.

[_Exeunt_ Sir HARRY, TANKARD, _and_ Mayor.

_Fust_. Pray, sir, what's the moral of this act?

_Trap_. And you really don't know?

_Fust_. No, really.

_Trap_. Then I really will not tell you; but come, sir, since you cannot find that out, I'll try whether you can find out the plot; for now it is just going to begin to open, it will require a very close attention, I a.s.sure you; and the devil take me if I give you any a.s.sistance.

_Fust_. Is not the fourth act a little too late to open the plot, Mr Trapwit?

_Trap_. Sir, 'tis an error on the right side: I have known a plot open in the first act, and the audience, and the poet too, forget it before the third was over: now, sir, I am not willing to burden either the audience's memory or my own; for they may forget all that is. .h.i.therto past, and know full as much of the plot as if they remembered it.

_Promp_. Call Mr Mayor, Mrs Mayoress, and Miss.

_Enter_ Mayor, Mrs _and_ Miss Mayoress.

_Mrs M_. Oh! have I found you at last, sir? I have been hunting for you this hour.

_May_. Faith, my dear, I wish you had found me sooner; I have been drinking to the good old cause with Sir Harry and the squire: you would have been heartily welcome to all the company.

_Mrs M_. Sir, I shall keep no such company; I shall converse with no clowns or country squires.

_Miss M_. My mama will converse with no Jacobites.