The Works of Henry Fielding Part 34

_May_. But, my dear, I have some news for you; I have got a place for myself now.

_Mrs M_. O ho! then you will vote for my lord at last?

_May_. No, my dear; Sir Harry is to give me a place.

_Mrs M_. A place in his dog-kennel?

_May_. No, 'tis such a one as you never could have got me from my lord; I am to be made an emba.s.sador.

_Mrs M_. What, is Sir Harry going to change sides then, that he is to have all this interest?

_May_. No, but the sides are going to be changed; and Sir Harry is to be--I don't know what to call him, not I--some very great man; and as soon as he is a very great man I am to be made an emba.s.sador of.

_Mrs M_. Made an a.s.s of! Will you never learn of me that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?

_May_. Yes, but I can't find that you had the bird in hand; if that had been the case I don't know what I might have done; but I am sure any man's promise is as good as a courtier's.

_Mrs M_. Look'ye, Mr Emba.s.sador that is to be; will you vote as I would have you or no? I am weary of arguing with a fool any longer; so, sir, I tell you you must vote for my lord and the colonel, or I'll make the house too hot to hold you; I'll see whether my poor family is to be ruined because you have whims.

_Miss M_. I know he is a Jacobite in his heart.

_Mrs M_. What signifies what he is in his heart? have not a hundred, whom everybody knows to be as great Jacobites as he, acted like very good whigs? What has a man's heart to do with his lips? I don't trouble my head with what he thinks; I only desire him to vote.

_Miss M_. I am sure mama is a very reasonable woman.

_Mrs M_. Yes, I am too reasonable a woman, and have used gentle methods too long; but I'll try others.

[_Goes to a corner of the stage and takes a stick_.

_May_. Nay, then, liberty and property, and no excise!

[_Runs off_.

_Mrs M_. I'll excise you, you villain! [_Runs after him_.

_Miss M_. Hey ho! I wish somebody were here now. Would the man that I love best in the world were here, that I might use him like a dog!

_Fust_. Is not that a very odd wish, Mr Trapwit?

_Trap_. No, sir; don't all the young ladies in plays use all their lovers so? Should we not lose half the best scenes in our comedies else?

_Promp_. Pray, gentlemen, don't disturb the rehearsal so: where is this servant? [_Enter_ Servant.] Why don't you mind your cue?

_Serv_. Oh, ay, dog's my cue. Madam, here's Miss St.i.tch, the taylor's daughter, come to wait on you.

_Miss M_. Shew her in. What can the impertinent flirt want with me? She knows I hate her too for being of the other party: however, I'll be as civil to her as I can. [_Enter_ Miss St.i.tCH.] Dear miss! your servant; this is an unexpected favour.

_Miss S_. I am sure, madam, you have no reason to say so; for, though we are of different parties, I have always coveted your acquaintance. I can't see why people may not keep their principles to themselves.

[_Aside_.

_Miss M_. Pray, miss, sit down. Well, have you any news in town?

_Miss S_. I don't know, my dear, for I have not been out these three days; and I have been employed all that time in reading one of the "Craftsmen:" 'tis a very pretty one; I have almost got it by heart.

_Miss M_. [_Aside_.] Saucy flirt! she might have spared that to me when she knows that I hate the paper.

_Miss S_. But I ask your pardon, my dear; I know you never read it.

_Miss M_. No, madam, I have enough to do to read the "Daily Gazetteer." My father has six of 'em sent him every week for nothing: they are very pretty papers, and I wish you would read them, miss.

_Miss S_. Fie upon you! how can you read what's writ by an old woman?

_Miss M_. An old woman, miss?

_Miss S_. Yes, miss, by Mrs...o...b..rne. Nay, it is in vain to deny it to me.

_Miss M_. I desire, madam, we may discourse no longer on this subject; for we shall never agree on it.

_Miss S_. Well, then, pray let me ask you seriously--are you thoroughly satisfied with this peace?

_Miss M_. Yes, madam, and I think you ought to be so too.

_Miss S_. I should like it well enough if I were sure the queen of Spain was to be trusted.

_Miss M. [Rising.]_ Pray miss, none of your insinuations against the queen of Spain.

_Miss S_. Don't be in a pa.s.sion, madam.

_Miss M_. Yes, madam, but I will be in a pa.s.sion, when the interest of my country is at stake.

_Miss S. [Rising.]_ Perhaps, madam, I have a heart as warm in the interest of my country as you can have; though I pay money for the papers I read, and that's more than you can say.

_Miss M_. Miss, miss, my papers are paid for too by somebody, though I don't pay for them; I don't suppose the old woman, as you call her, sends 'em about at her own expence; but I'd have you to know, miss, I value my money as little as you in my country's cause; and rather than have no army, I would part with every farthing of these sixteen s.h.i.+llings to maintain it.

_Miss S_. And if my sweetheart was to vote for the colonel, though I like this fan of all the fans I ever saw in my life, I would tear it all to pieces, because it was his Valentine's gift to me. Oh, heavens! I have torn my fan; I would not have torn my fan for the world! Oh! my poor dear fan! I wish all parties were at the devil, for I am sure I shall never get a fan by them.

_Miss M_. Notwithstanding all you have said, madam, I should be a brute not to pity you under this calamity: comfort yourself, child, I have a fan the exact fellow to it; if you bring your sweetheart over to vote for the colonel you shall have it.

_Miss S_. And can I sell my country for a fan? What's my country to me? I shall never get a fan by it. And will you give it me for nothing?

_Miss M_. I'll make you a free present of it.

_Miss S_. I am ashamed of your conquest, but I'll take the fan.

_Miss M_. And now, my dear, we'll go and drink a dish of tea together.

And let all parties blame me if they can, Who're bribed by honours trifling as a fan.

[_Exeunt_ Misses.

_Trap_. There ends act the fourth. If you want to know the moral of this, the devil must be in you. Faith, this incident of the fan struck me so strongly that I was once going to call this comedy by the name of The Fan. But come, now for act the fifth.