Friends Or Lovers Part 10

"Of course I will," he said rea.s.suringly. "Ill try."

Chapter 17.

Over the next few hours we took in the views around Warwick, lunched in a tea shop, climbed a tower, laughed, joked, discussed politics, the meaning of life, travelled to deepest outer s.p.a.ce, and generally just chilled together. I was more relaxed with him than I had been with any man for over a decade, perhaps more relaxed with him than any man except my father. Our conversation never stopped all day. Wherever we were, whatever we did, we talked and exchanged thoughts constantly. The s.e.xual tension was always there. My attraction to him never completely left me, and the way his eyes fixed themselves on me sometimes, I could tell that he was sucking in my beauty so that he could savour and bathe in it.

His eyes were not l.u.s.tful, just filled with the admiration a person might feel looking at a beautiful portrait or marvelling at a moment of cinematic brilliance. He looked at me as if he was searching my soul, not ogling my body, and it filled me with a confidence that I could not explain. I admired him, but the desire to seduce him slowly ebbed away. I just wanted to be with him, occupy the same s.p.a.ce, hear his voice, and know that he was nearby.

By late afternoon, he suggested that we might like to eat at Pizza Hut again. I felt, however, that I should take him somewhere special to thank him for the day out. I chose my favourite Italian, a place tucked away in a cobbled side street that was quiet enough to have a hint of romance, but with a festive atmosphere.

"Hows that problem at work you had?" he asked, as we started on our desserts.

"Which problem is that?" I answered without looking up.

"You mean there are so many?"

"Can we utter a sentence without it being a question?" I asked.

"I dont know. Can we?" he said with his smile broadening all the time.

"What was your question again?" was my retort.

"My first, second or third question?" he said chuckling.

"Do you want to ask the first one?" I was not giving up first.

"The one about the problem you had at work."

"Gotcha. Fifteen love." I said with a victory salute.

His face told me that he was interested in more than the game, so I dropped the stupid stuff and regained my composure.

"Work. Yeah. Things have moved on a bit. Things dont seem to be quite right. The more I talk to the man, the more I sense that hes trying to be straight with me. The more I learn about the womans situation...... Well, he seems more on the level than I first thought, but hes hiding something from me, not just about the current incident but about a past relations.h.i.+p too. Shes a prude for sure, but I think she is holding back on an incident with somebody in the team. I get the feeling that some s.e.xual s.h.i.+t is going on that n.o.body wants to talk about. What about your friend?

"Ive only had one update, but I should get the full story soon well be working together on a project."

"So whats the story there?"

"Well, it has been difficult at home for him. The problem at work has made things worse at home."

"Whys that?"

"He thinks it will be okay, but hes very sensitive about what happened."

"Why?"

"To explain that Id have to go way back."

"Im in no rush," I said.

"Okay. Well he had a difficult period with his wife about....er...four years, yes, about four years ago. Hes a really sweet guy. One of his colleagues was having marital problems and she started talking to him about them eventually she admitted she was being abused by her husband."

"Not a situation you come across every day," I commented "Not something you hear about every day," he clarified. "Anyway, he gave her support but after a few weeks they had a real heart to heart and she said she wanted to get out."

"So what happened?"

"Well, that night he collected her from her home and took her to his. His wife was not pleased, but he convinced her that hed no choice. She became his lodger for several months while they waited for a vacancy at a refuge. He helped her furnish her room. Later he helped her find and move into a flat he even gave her the money for a deposit."

"I bet his wife did not like that!"

"Yeah. Right. Big problem. Big rows. His wife accused him of having an affair, and to this day he has always denied it. The money thing was too much for her and she threw him out. So he stayed with his woman friend as her lodger for a while. It took a few months but eventually his wife came around and let him come back home. She took him back but made him promise never to get involved with another woman again."

"So how does that have a bearing on his current problem?"

"From what I gather he started to help another woman at work who had been having problems at home. He didnt want to let her down, but he also didnt want her to get too close to him. So he backed off and upset her. He changed jobs and only told his wife afterwards."

I felt sorry for this guy. He sounded like he really cared for both his wife and his work colleagues and just wanted to help everybody. John was relaxed while we chatted and I could tell he cared about his friend. In fact, I got a feeling that John just cared about people. There didnt seem to be anyone in his life that he did not like.

"John. Ive enjoyed today."

It was one of those leading phrases, one that invites intimacy.

"Penny. Ive enjoyed today too," and he gave me that same warm smile that I remembered from our first meeting.

"Do you....." I stopped. This was risky. Did I have the courage to say it? "Do you...."

h.e.l.l, why was I so nervous? I hate my nerves.

"Do......ah!"

Then he did something that really startled me. He took my hands in his.

"Sometimes things dont need to be said."

Inside I could feel my heart pumping and my breathing quicken. I said it anyway.

"Do you....ever fantasise about me?" I asked.

Whatever he had expected, I dont think it was this because he immediately raised his eyebrows in astonishment. He took one hand away and squeezed his nose.

"Ill answer that question if you will tell me why youre asking it."

Why was I asking it? I was not sure.

"Deal." I said.

He hesitated, but only for a moment.

"The answer is 'Yes, but not when Im making love to my wife."

I felt a peculiar sensation; a deep pleasure that he thought of me s.e.xually, but disappointment that he mentioned his wife. Clearly he wanted me to know that I would not take her place.

"Your turn," he said, reminding me of the pact.

I hesitated. I shuddered because I realised why Id asked him this question. I wanted to tell him I fantasised about him. I wanted to tell him about the night before, about the way things had unfolded. I tensed, and he noticed immediately and took my hands again.

"Last night....." I stopped and looked down into my lap.

"Last night?" he queried.

I could feel the emotion rising in me again. I was not sure if I had the courage to say it. I closed my eyes and summoned my strength. Was this going to lead to disaster? I wanted to tell him. I wanted to share this, but I did not want him to reject me.

"I....," my hands started to shake.

"Penny, Penny. You dont need to say it."

I never trusted anyone so why did I want to trust him? What was I doing here with him? He was married and we were holding hands in a restaurant while his family was a hundred miles away. This was crazy. I wanted to share my humiliation with him, to tell him the part he had played in it. What if he was angry? What if I spoiled the whole day? What if it ruined our friends.h.i.+p?

"I....," but I stopped again.

"You dont need to say it," he repeated.

I made an attempt at a smile, but it was not a very convincing one.

I felt the tears fill my eyes again and I looked up at him. He gave my hands a little squeeze to keep me rea.s.sured. My whole body was rigid, tears were dripping down my face, and I shuffled awkwardly in my seat. I had never talked like this with anyone, not my sister, not my mother, not my father or any of my boyfriends. I looked up, letting the tears roll. I could not say the words. I just could not. John got up from his seat, came around to my side of the table and pulled up his chair. He put his right arm around my back, and stroked my cheek with his left hand. Through my sobs I suddenly heard the sound of my own voice.

"It was awful. ....as he was f.u.c.king me I started to think of you, and then I blurted out your name."

"s.h.i.+t! I bet that cooled his ardour," he said with a laugh.

I laughed, with relief mostly. I laughed and suddenly I felt it was okay to carry on.

"You bet it did. He got really mad at me. And then he left. And...and..."

His hand was rubbing my back and it felt lovely.

"...I felt so alone. Im so sorry I rang you. I cant believe Im telling you this. I should not be telling you this."

"Why?" he asked.

"Why?" I said with astonishment.

"Yes, why?" he asked again.

"Are you crazy? Youre married and Im pouring out these feelings to you. I shouldnt be saying this."

"So weve broken the rules. Big deal. Youre attracted to me. Im attracted to you. I like that its honest. People normally make each other miserable because they cant express or share the simplest feelings."

He paused.

"That took courage, didnt it?"

"More than youll ever know," I responded.

I was not sure where to go from here but it did not matter because he carried on talking.

"Somebody once said to me that there is no such thing as a non-s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p between a man and a woman. There are only s.e.xual relations.h.i.+ps where they agree not to have s.e.x."

There was a prolonged silence during which neither of us dared to ask the question that was on both our minds.

"I love it that you are attracted to me," he finally said.

"Why?" I asked with genuine curiosity.

"Because my fantasies will be much more exciting now!"

I laughed again. How did he make this happen? How did he take my troubles away at the very moment I felt more vulnerable than ever before?

"I cant believe how close I feel to you," I said.

He was quiet for a while and just rocked me in his arms. It was my turn to break the silence.

"I feel a bit better."

"Thank you," he said.

He was so strange. Why was he thanking me for sobbing all over him?

"What for?"

"For sharing this."

"You are really weird," I said.

"I tried Mr Normal," he interjected, "but I couldnt keep it up!"

I shook my head as my smile returned.

"And thank you," I said at last.

"Youre welcome," he responded.