Friends Or Lovers Part 8

"George, George, come on hun, get it back in me, come on....."

I saw his face slowly turn to beetroot as the resentment rose in him. As it did, so it rose in me too. I turned away, got up and shot an irritated glance at him as I walked to the bathroom.

"Well, I suppose it was good while it lasted!" I added sarcastically.

His face turned red. Then he bellowed.

"I am not a piece of meat!"

He started to put on his clothes. As soon as I realised he was going to leave the rage boiled over in me too.

"You b.a.s.t.a.r.d. Youre a f.u.c.king c.r.a.p kisser, your tongue is like a dish mop and you f.u.c.k like a pneumatic drill! Go on. p.i.s.s off out of here."

He dressed quickly and did not bother to b.u.t.ton up his s.h.i.+rt or jacket before he made for the door. As he left the room, he turned around and with a cruel sneer made a parting remark that Ill never forget.

"And you, you old slapper, are never 25."

I picked up a gla.s.s of water by the bed and threw it at him, but he closed the door and it smashed.

"f.u.c.k off out of here....!" I shouted at the top of my voice but he was already out of the front door before Id finished saying it.

I sat back on the bed and curled up. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with distress and an emotion that Id not felt for years. It grew inside me slowly, swelling like a wave and rolling slowly into sh.o.r.e. As I felt it get closer, the wave started to break, my emotions started to erupt, engulfing me and cras.h.i.+ng frenetically throughout my body. I felt my mouth twitch and my eyes grow moist. What am I doing? Im a grown woman picking up a teenager for s.e.x. What am I doing? Suddenly, I was being swept away on a huge wave of feeling. My pitifully shallow life crushed me. With my eyes dripping, I curled up into a ball and started to howl like a baby. My insides convulsed in pain, as if I had been run through with a wooden stake. Never in my life had I felt such pain and I wept for the first time in 11 years, the first time since I kicked out my university boyfriend after hed cheated on me with my best friend. And as I wept, I thought of only one thing. John. I wanted to be with John, to feel his arms around me, to weep as I lay on his chest. I thought of nothing else but to be with John.

Chapter 14.

I cried for an hour as thoughts bounced around my mind like a powerball inside a hollow steel container. I was all over the place, pulled this way, then that. Who am I? What is this life I have created? Why am I so afraid? Why do men treat me like s.h.i.+t? Why do I treat them like s.h.i.+t? As much as I hated George for saying it, I had treated him like a piece of meat, a succulent Sunday roast to devour and then throw away the carca.s.s. I never sought a relations.h.i.+p, certainly nothing that would last. Why not? What was I doing wasting my life?

Im not young any more. Okay, so I can pull the guys. But there is something missing that I cant understand. Ive lived like this, on and off, for ten years, never settling with anyone, never letting anyone settle with me. If they get too close, I push them away. If they run away, I get mad and grab onto someone else to ease the pain. There must be more. There must be something beyond pa.s.sion and s.e.x.

And, am I really happy at work? I tell everyone that I am, but I dont know any more. Every year that pa.s.ses, I earn more brownie points but feel less enthusiasm. The greater the responsibility, the less I seem to feel for people. In the past, I used to like the staff I recruited, to enjoy nurturing them and watching them grow. But now, it is a ch.o.r.e. Yet another person leaves and I have to shuffle everyone around, fill out more paper work, update more systems. Sometimes I wish people would just stay still.

I get up and go to the bathroom. My face is stained and I look ugly. I feel ugly. Who have I ever made happy? Ive done so much, but achieved so little. Same old, same old, week after week, month after month. I pull my hair back and begin to dab my face to remove some of the stains while the tears start to flow again. What is the point? As I throw myself on the bed, I look at the clock and the mobile phone next to it. Without a moments thought, I pick it up and type 'John and press 'Dial. It rings. And rings. Come on John, be there, pick it up. Pick it up.

"Urrm. Hawww... Whos th... What time is it? f.u.c.k! What? Errm. Who is there?" he finally says.

I try to talk but all I can do is sob.

"h.e.l.lo?" he asks. "I can hear you crying. Who is it?"

Amongst the whimpers, I finally manage to say my name.

"Penny? What is it? Whats happened?"

In the background, I can make out a womans voice saying "who is it, darling?" and he responds that it is me. I can faintly hear another question...."wh....she .....this...ime....of....giht". It sounds like the line is breaking up, but then his voice comes across strongly.

"Penny? You still there? What happened, love?"

I have no idea why, but the moment he said the word 'love I started to feel safer. I calmed down enough to get a sentence out.

"Im such a fool. Such a fool. Ive really f.u.c.ked up." I knew I was not making much sense but at least some feelings were coming out.

"Just take your time. No hurry. Just tell me what happened."

I paused. I really did not know what to say.

"Oh, John," I said. "Just hearing a friendly voice helps."

"Good. Good. But whats happened?" he asked again.

"I feel so stupid. It is so stupid. I dont even understand why Im upset or why Ive called you. Please forgive me for waking you up, I just wanted to talk to someone."

I knew that he would not be able to make head or tail of this, but as I talked I was trying to work out in my head exactly what it was that I was upset about. Why exactly was I crying?

"I just had a bad night," I continued.

"Have you been attacked?" he said kindly.

"No. No. Its not that. Its just that....its just....you know I just dont know what it is. Im not even sure. Maybe it is the drink."

I stopped for a moment and he spoke with a strong voice.

"Penny. Can you do something for me?"

"Ill try," I replied.

"Can you get a pen and paper and write down what you are feeling now. Right now. Write out what you are feeling. Dont think too hard, just get a pen and paper and write."

"Why?" I said with a puzzled tone.

"Tomorrow Ill come round and well read it together."

And that was all he needed to say. To know that I was going to see him made such a difference that I felt my tears and distress subside. Normality returned.

"Thank you. Thank you, John. Ill call again in the morning."

I could hear a womans voice again asking "wher...uck....goin....morrow?" and then Johns voice explain that it was me on the phone and that I was seriously distressed by something. Then another faint question: "why....ling you?". He said he didnt know but that hed find out tomorrow. Before he signed off I heard her say in a less concerned, and much friendlier voice "come...ack...t....ed, superman.". Then he spoke to me again.

"I have to go now, Penny. Find that pen and paper. Start writing for me."

I said that I would.

I got a pen and paper and started to think. I did so for over 30 minutes trying to form thoughts in my mind and get them down on paper. By the time I heard a key in the lock I had written only two words.

Im lonely.

Chapter 15.

Carole looked after me. Chris slept in the spare bed while little 'sis slept with me. I couldnt tell her what happened - I just couldnt - and luckily she did not press me. Im sure she must think that I was raped or a.s.saulted, but I just cant tell her that the man Id seduced had realised, mid-s.h.a.g, that I was fantasising about another man. How do you tell that to anyone, let alone your sister?

I had another session sobbing my eyes out at the breakfast table. Carole and Chris had no idea how to stop me. They just sat there quietly, Chris on one side, with his hand on my back, Carole holding my hand.

"Um....Do you....dyou....want to..."

"No," I said quickly. "Its too painful."

"What about the police?" Chris asked. I could tell theyd been talking to each other.

"G.o.d, no!" I said with a start. "You mustnt do that!"

"But...."

I had to tell them something. I had to tell them enough of the truth for them to understand and not blame anyone.

"He walked out on me. We got back here, started having s.e.x and then he just got up and walked out on me."

"What a b.a.s.t.a.r.d!" said Carole.

"Ill punch his face in next time I see him," threatened Chris.

"No. No. You must not blame him."

"Why not?" they said together. Then Carole took my arm and spoke more softly.

"What happened, 'sis, you can tell us. We just want to help."

"I....I....He...."

What could I say? I did not want to lie, but I could not tell them what happened. What could I say?

"I dont want to tell you," I started but suddenly the words started to come out. "Something happened that upset the evening. It is no-ones fault you must not blame him - but when this 'something happened we got angry with each other. Thats all I can say."

"But why all the tears, sis" said Chris.

"Oh! Carole. It just all came down on me. My life looks great on the outside but inside it is a heap of s.h.i.+t. I look at you and Chris and wonder what Im doing with my life. I know I look all confident and happy, but Id trade places with you if I could."

Caroles mouth dropped open. Clearly she could not believe what she was hearing. Then her mouth closed, she took my hand and indicated I should stand up. As soon as I was on my feet she held her arms open and I fell into them.

"Welcome to the real world, sis," she whispered.

"No fairy tales. No happy endings?" I asked.

"Dont be such a cynic," she said pulling away and looking me in the face.

"Why not?"

"I found my prince charming. So will you," and she cast a glance at Chris the like of which Id never noticed before. I was so used to her moaning about his habits that Id not noticed that she really admired him.

Chris smiled back then put his arms around both of us.

"Family cuddle," he said, and for reasons I could not understand another wave of emotion engulfed me and the tears started to flow again. Carole spoke softly while Chris hugged us both.

"Thats right. Go on. Let it out. Get it out."

I suddenly realised that my little sister had done more growing up than I had. She had taken on the responsibility of a partner and baby. What had I done? Yeah, I had my career but how did that compare to the responsibility of loving another person? I hadnt done that. Id never been ready to do that. And I was still not sure if I was ready to do it now.

"By the way," Carole suddenly interjected, "John called. He said h.e.l.l pick you up at 12pm."

"John? Oh G.o.d, yes!" I remembered and was amazed. He was going to keep his word.

Carole smiled at me.

"He sounded nice."

"Dont!" was my first response. "Ive had all the romance I can take for one weekend."

"Romance?" laughed Chris.

"Oh, shut up," I said, but the smile that was creeping back into my demeanour communicated to him that I did not really mean it.

Chris smiled back at me. Id never noticed before what a kind smile he had. I wondered if, perhaps, I had misjudged him. It was already 10.30; John was coming at mid-day so I had to stir myself to start getting ready. I went over to the dresser and combed my hair.

"Now girl," said Carole. "Dont dress up for him. Just put on something real casual and be yourself."

My hand rose to my forehead as I gave her a salute.

"Dont try to impress him. Just let the day unfold and run with it, however it goes."

I knew she was trying to help, but it always annoyed me when she gave advice like this. I took it on the chin, however; it was good advice after all.