The Clothes Have No Emperor Part 7

"I am ready to be President of the United States."

--Former Vice President Walter (Fritz) Mondale announcing his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination 2/22/83.

Beleaguered by charges that the EPA has been sluggish in cleaning up hazardous waste sites, Anne Gorsuch who has gotten married over the weekend and is now Anne Burford announces that the government will buy out all homeowners and businesses in dioxin-tainted Times Beach, Missouri.

2/24/83.

Three Canadian doc.u.mentaries, including the Academy Award nominee If You Love This Planet If You Love This Planet, are cla.s.sified as "political propaganda" by the Justice Department.

2/25/83.

Playwright Tennessee Williams dies in New York after swallowing the cap of a small plastic bottle. New York newsman Storm Field calls him "Tennessee Ernie Williams."

2/27/83.

The Sunday supplement Parade Parade prints this query: "After Watergate, wasn't Richard M. Nixon secretly committed to a mental inst.i.tution run by Quakers and replaced by the CIA with a Hollywood double? Isn't this the real reason why his wife, Pat, refuses all interviews because she is afraid reporters will ask about the look-alike she is living with, and she will have to tell?" None of this, the reader is a.s.sured, is true. prints this query: "After Watergate, wasn't Richard M. Nixon secretly committed to a mental inst.i.tution run by Quakers and replaced by the CIA with a Hollywood double? Isn't this the real reason why his wife, Pat, refuses all interviews because she is afraid reporters will ask about the look-alike she is living with, and she will have to tell?" None of this, the reader is a.s.sured, is true.

MARCH 1983.

3/3/83.

Unhappy with TV news coverage of his administration, President Reagan proposes that the networks report only "good news" for a week. "If the ratings go down," he says, "they can go back to bad news." Responds NBC's Paul Greenberg, "We'll cover the news and let him run the country."

3/4/83.

Unemployed roofer Cecil Andrews calls a TV newsroom in Anniston, Alabama, urging that a crew be sent to the town square "to see somebody set himself on fire." Cameraman Ronald Simmons and sound man Gary Harris alert the police and head for the scene, where Andrews soaked in lighter fluid waits while they set up their equipment. They then roll 37 seconds of tape as he sets fire to his left thigh and, quickly changing his mind, screams for them to "put it out!" Harris tries but can't, and Andrews in flames runs across the square, where a volunteer fireman douses the fire. Andrews is hospitalized with second and third-degree burns over half his body. Says Simmons afterward, "My job is to record events as they happen."

3/5/83.

"There is today in the United States as much forest as there was when Was.h.i.+ngton was at Valley Forge."

--President Reagan revealing a little-known "fact" to Oregon lumbermen 3/6/83.

At Big Dan's Tavern in New Bedford, Ma.s.sachusetts, a young woman is gang-raped on a pool table while a crowd looks on appreciatively.

3/8/83.

President Reagan tells a national convention of evangelicals that the Soviet Union is "the focus of evil in the modern world ... an evil empire." Says historian Henry Steele Commager, "It was the worst presidential speech in American history, and I've read them all."

3/9/83.

President Reagan accepts Anne Burford's resignation, telling her she can leave the EPA with her "head held high."

3/11/83.

"I don't think they'll be happy until the White House looks like a bird's nest."

--President Reagan accusing Burford critics of "environmental extremism"

3/15/83.

Deputy national security adviser Thomas C. Reed resigns after it is reported that inside information enabled him to turn a $427,000 profit on a $3,125 investment.

3/19/83.

"Let me tell you a true story about a boy we'll call Charlie. He was only 14 and he was burned out on marijuana ... One day, when his little sister wouldn't steal some money for him to go and buy some more drugs, he brutally beat her. The real truth is there's no such thing as soft drugs or hard drugs. All drugs are dumb ... Don't end up another Charlie."

--Nancy Reagan image fully transformed from vapid society dame to concerned anti-drug crusader appearing as herself on NBC's Diff'rent Strokes Diff'rent Strokes 3/22/83.

"The President, in one of the rare times I have seen him really disgusted, threw his gla.s.ses down and said he's had it up to his keister with the banking industry."

--Sen. Bob Dole (R-KS) describing the activity at a GOP leaders.h.i.+p meeting 3/23/83.

The New York Times again explains that "keister" is a "slang term for rump." again explains that "keister" is a "slang term for rump."

3/23/83.

In what will become known as his "Star Wars" speech, President Reagan proposes a s.p.a.ce-based defense system to laser-blast incoming missiles out of the sky, just like in the movies. Just like one in particular: the 1940 film Murder In the Air Murder In the Air, whose hero, Secret Service Agent Bra.s.s Bancroft (played by Ronald Reagan), gets involved with "The Inertia Projector," a death ray that can shoot down planes.

3/24/83.

President Reagan meets with a group of GOP congresswomen who urge him to stay out of the debate if the Equal Rights Amendment is revived. "How would you like to trade?" he says. "I've got some amendments I'm very interested in, too. What about trading for making abortion illegal?" Says a witness, "You could hear people gasping all over the room."

3/28/83.

Chicagoan Willie Bradley, 34, is stabbed to death by his girlfriend Verona Berkley, 42, during a dispute over whether to watch a basketball game (his choice) or the mini-series The Thorn Birds The Thorn Birds.

APRIL 1983.

4/4/83.

After two and a half months of repair-related delays, the s.p.a.ce shuttle Challenger takes off on its first flight.

4/5/83.

James Watt who has said, "I think Americans now have the best Secretary of the Interior they've ever had" bans rock music from the upcoming Fourth of July celebration at the Was.h.i.+ngton Mall because it attracts "the wrong element." Though the words "Beach" or "Boys" do not pa.s.s his lips, the story somehow becomes that Watt has attacked the Beach Boys.

4/7/83.

In the face of support for the unmaligned Beach Boys from Vice President Bush and Nancy Reagan, James Watt rescinds his rock music ban. As a souvenir of his gaffe, President Reagan presents him with a plaster foot with a bullet hole.

4/14/83.

President Reagan is asked if his administration is trying to overthrow the Sandinistas in Nicaragua. "No," he says, "because that would be violating the law."

4/18/83.

17 Americans and 46 Lebanese are killed when a truck bomb plows into the US emba.s.sy in Beirut.

4/22/83.

The West German magazine Stern Stern announces "the journalistic scoop of the post-World War II period": the discovery of 62 volumes of Adolf Hitler's secret diaries reportedly hidden in a hayloft for 35 years that portray him as virtually unaware of the Holocaust. Says reporter Leo Pesch, "It was like reading notes left behind by a dull accountant." But, are they genuine? Hitler scholar Hugh Trevor-Roper verifies their authenticity, declaring, "I'm staking my reputation on it." announces "the journalistic scoop of the post-World War II period": the discovery of 62 volumes of Adolf Hitler's secret diaries reportedly hidden in a hayloft for 35 years that portray him as virtually unaware of the Holocaust. Says reporter Leo Pesch, "It was like reading notes left behind by a dull accountant." But, are they genuine? Hitler scholar Hugh Trevor-Roper verifies their authenticity, declaring, "I'm staking my reputation on it."

4/27/83.

President Reagan asks Congress for $600 million for his Central American policies, pointing out as if it had some relevance that this "is less than one-tenth of what Americans will spend this year on coin-operated video games."

MAY 1983.

5/1/83.

Nancy Reagan receives an honorary doctorate of law from California's Pepperdine University, which also gave one to her husband while he was governor. Asks Nancy, "Do you think we'll have to call each other doctor from now on?" Everyone laughs and laughs.

5/4/83.

"Don't you fellows have to vote?"

--President Reagan, unaware that the three Republican congressmen visiting him were defeated six months ago 5/4/83.

President Reagan lauds the Nicaraguan contras as "freedom fighters" and observes that nuclear weapons "can't help but have an effect on the population as a whole."

5/6/83.

The Hitler diaries are revealed to be a hoax. Among the discrepancies noted: the paper, glue, ink and parts of the covers were all made after the war. Handwriting expert Kenneth Rendell tells Newsweek Newsweek they "were not only forgeries, they were bad forgeries." they "were not only forgeries, they were bad forgeries." Stern Stern publisher Henri Nannen says, "We have some reason to be ashamed," and Hugh Trevor-Roper he of the vanis.h.i.+ng reputation says, "I'm extremely sorry." publisher Henri Nannen says, "We have some reason to be ashamed," and Hugh Trevor-Roper he of the vanis.h.i.+ng reputation says, "I'm extremely sorry."

5/11/83.

Deputy Commerce Secretary Guy W. Fiske resigns after it is disclosed that he was interviewing for a job as president of a communications satellite company at the same time he was involved in the decision to sell the government's weather satellites to private industry.

5/16/83.

Performing "Billie Jean" on NBC's Motown 25th Anniversary special, Michael Jackson suddenly begins dancing backward across the stage and, with this move, becomes the biggest star of the decade.

5/18/83.

During a speech to the White House News Photographers dinner, President Reagan sticks his thumbs in his ears and wiggles his fingers. Says the leader of the free world, "I've been waiting years to do this."

5/28/83.

"I put them aside and spent the evening with Julie Andrews."

--President Reagan telling aides that, rather than reading his briefing books, he spent the eve of the Williamsburg economic summit watching The Sound of Music The Sound of Music JUNE 1983.

6/7/83.

"It was really funny. I was sitting there so worried about throw weight, and Reagan suddenly asks us if we've seen WarGames WarGames."

--Unnamed congressman describing a White House meeting about arms control at which the President revealed that averting a movie nuclear catastrophe was far more interesting to him than the nuts and bolts of preventing a real-life one 6/9/83.

In his book, Gambling With History Gambling With History, Time Time correspondent Laurence Barrett reveals that Reagan campaign aides had "filched" the Carter camp's briefing papers to help prepare their candidate for the 1980 debate. The irrepressible David Stockman turns out to have been Barrett's source. correspondent Laurence Barrett reveals that Reagan campaign aides had "filched" the Carter camp's briefing papers to help prepare their candidate for the 1980 debate. The irrepressible David Stockman turns out to have been Barrett's source.

6/9/83.

Addressing a forum in Minnesota, President Reagan is asked how the Federal Government plans to respond to a report on education that he has "approved ... in its entirety." He is unable to provide anything more specific than that he is "going to have meetings," and finally turns to Education Secretary T. H. Bell for help. "Could you fill in what I left out?" the President asks Bell. "I won't be offended."

6/10/83.

"It embarra.s.ses all of us as Americans to have to point out that the President of the United States is not telling the truth ... I want to believe that he doesn't know any better. I want to believe that those who furnish him those spurious statistics are the culprits and that the President of the United States is innocently making these statements, not aware of their total untruth."

--House Majority Leader Jim Wright on President Reagan's claim that he has increased federal aid to education 6/16/83.

Ariela Gross, a 17-year-old New Jersey student, meets with President Reagan to present him with a pet.i.tion supporting a nuclear freeze. She reports that the President "expressed the belief that there must be something wrong with the freeze if the Soviets want it."

6/18/83.

The s.p.a.ce shuttle Challenger lifts off in one of the smoothest launches yet, carrying among its crew of five physicists Sally Ride, the first American woman in s.p.a.ce.

6/20/83.

"This time they'll be 'feet people' and not 'boat people.'"

--President Reagan warning that congressional rejection of his Central American policies could result in "a tidal wave of refugees ... swarming into our country"

6/24/83.

Dismissing the whole Carter briefing book affair as "much ado about nothing," President Reagan expresses doubt that "there ever was a briefing book as such." As to how his aides could have no memory of receiving the book if it did exist, he says, "Look, ask me what paper came to my desk last week and I couldn't tell you."

6/28/83.

At his 18th press conference, President Reagan: *Defends the ethics of his campaign's having accepted the Carter material "Well, my answer is that it probably wasn't too much different from the press rus.h.i.+ng into print with the Pentagon Papers"

*Supports William Casey's professed ignorance of its existence "I can understand his very well not having paid any attention. He wasn't going to wade through a stack of papers. They didn't come in a binder or a cover or anything"

*Observes, lest he be perceived as a bit morally lax, that "there shouldn't be unethical things in a campaign."

6/29/83.

President Reagan suggests that one cause of the decline in public education is the schools' efforts to comply with court-ordered desegregation.

6/29/83.

President Reagan appears on a TV tribute to James Bond, where he speaks about the fictional secret agent as if he was a real human. "James Bond is a man of honor," says the President, "a symbol of real value to the free world." Says Tip O'Neill aide Chris Matthews, "This is the kind of thing we all thought Reagan would be doing if he had lost lost the '80 election." the '80 election."

JULY 1983.

7/4/83.

Rev. Jerry Falwell says that AIDS which he calls a "gay plague" is G.o.d's way of "spanking" us.