The Ex-Boyfriend's Handbook Part 29

Wendy leans against the bar. 'Dan, something you quite evidently fail to understand is that it's not all about technique. Anyone can press the right b.u.t.tons. It's pressing them in the right order that's difficult. And especially with a new partner.'

'You've been going out with the wrong men, sweetheart.'

'I'm serious,' says Wendy. 'For women, it's never that good the first time, mainly because we're too anxious to really let ourselves go. Sure, the excitement of the initial meeting can be a good thing sometimes, but it's only further along in the relations.h.i.+p that you start to refine your skills together, and get really good at it.'

Dan puts his drink down on the bar. 'b.o.l.l.o.c.ks. Whenever I get a woman into bed, she's great. Really enthusiastic. Will do anything for me-and I mean anything. And do you know why I think that is?'

Wendy rolls her eyes. 'Please do educate us, O master.'

'Because she's trying to impress me. It's her one big chance to show me what she can do.'

'Kind of like an audition?' I suggest. 'To see if she can get the part, so to speak?'

Dan sn.i.g.g.e.rs. 'Oh, she gets the part all right. And it's a repeat performance.'

Wendy nudges me. 'For one night only.'

Dan shrugs. 'So? Why do you have such a problem with that?'

'Because real women have feelings. And they're easily hurt.'

Dan shakes his head. 'So what? That's not my fault. I mean, it's not as if I'm promising them anything, is it? I don't say to them "let's go out for a drink some time" intending it to mean we're now an item. If it came up in a court of law, I think you'd find it implied only the once. Anything more is just a bonus.'

Wendy sighs with exasperation. 'Dan, women don't think like that. Quite the opposite, in fact. You treat them as if it's a test drive, one quick go round the block, and then if you don't like it, you can just walk away. But by that time they've already got their hopes up.'

'How so?'

'Because most women don't see dates as one-nighters, unless you're paying them. If a woman agrees to go out with you, it's usually because she's decided that you might be boyfriend material, and because of that, she's watching you carefully for the whole night to decide if you can fulfill that role. Whereas because you're only going out with them for the one night, you spend the whole evening trying to get them into bed.'

'So why do they all sleep with me then?'

'G.o.d knows. Perhaps they're drunk. Or desperate. Or more likely, perhaps the impression you give is that you'll only consent to seeing them again if they go to bed with you.'

'Or,' says Dan, 'perhaps they fancy me, and want s.e.x as much as I do?'

I laugh. 'Dan, rabbits who've been fed oysters laced with v.i.a.g.r.a don't like s.e.x as much as you do.'

Dan folds his arms. 'All I'm saying is, it's not the Victorian times any more. Women are just as s.e.xual as us blokes, and if they're up for it, well, who am I to deny them a basic human urge?'

'"Up for it"?' says Wendy. 'You silver-tongued devil. Tell me exactly how it is you manage to talk them into bed again?'

'I don't talk them into bed. At least not straight away. I talk them onto the sofa. Or the kitchen table.'

I grimace. I've sat on Dan's sofa. And eaten at his kitchen table, come to think of it.

Wendy sighs. 'Sorry Dan, but you're wrong. a.s.suming that at least some of these women are the type who only want to sleep with you because you're on television...'

'And that's a bad thing?'

'...the majority of them sleep with you because they think it's the only way to move the relations.h.i.+p forward.'

Dan waves a finger at Wendy. 'But who wants to go out with a woman who'll sleep with you on the first date? Ea-sy!'

I shake my head. 'Dan, have you ever heard the phrase "double standards"?'

'Tell me something,' continues Wendy. 'How do you feel the next morning, when you've got rid of them?'

Dan pretends to ponder this one. 'Well, let me see. I've had a good night out, and then I've had s.e.x. How do I feel? Hmm. That's a tricky one.'

'Let me turn this around then. Do you know how my flatmate felt the morning after?'

Dan shrugs again. 'Tired but happy, hopefully.'

'I mean, when you didn't call her? Like you promised you would.'

Dan s.h.i.+fts uncomfortably on his stool. 'Part of a growing number?'

'And what are you going to do when you've slept with all the women in Brighton?'

'Move, probably,' he says, nudging me, and I can't help but smile. Wendy, however, fails to see the funny side.

'Don't you care about their feelings at all?' she asks, indignantly.

'Jesus, Wendy. If ever there was someone in need of a d.a.m.n good s.h.a.g it's you. Lighten up a little, please. It's only s.e.x.'

'It's only s.e.x to you. It's something more to us women. And it's obviously something more to Edward. Have you got no other goals in life apart from sleeping with as many women as possible?'

Dan thinks about this for a moment. 'Well, there's world peace, obviously. And I'd like to cure poverty. My own, that is.'

Wendy stares at Dan in disbelief. 'I'm wasting my time here, aren't I? You just don't realize the damage you're doing.'

'Wendy,' he says, picking up his wine gla.s.s and taking a sip, 'all I am doing, if you'll excuse my language, is f.u.c.king them.'

'No, Dan,' she replies, before heading off in disgust to collect some gla.s.ses. 'You're f.u.c.king with them. There's a big difference.'

Dan watches her go, then turns and peers accusingly at me, even though I've been staring quietly into my gla.s.s for the last few exchanges.

'Don't tell me you agree with her?'

I look up, awkwardly. 'Well, she maybe has the tiniest of points. I mean, you do seem to have rather a one-track mind.'

Dan puts his drink down on the bar, and switches into master-and-pupil mode. 'Tell me something, Edward. What is the fundamental difference between men and women?'

I look at him strangely. 'Well, there's the-' I make the international b.r.e.a.s.t.s sign with my hands-'physical characteristics, obviously.'

'Nope.'

'The fact that only women can bear children?'

'Wrong again.'

'Opposable thumbs? No, hang on, that's monkeys. Er...'

Dan sighs loudly. 'You have so much to learn, my child. I'm talking about the mating ritual. When they go out for the evening, for example.'

'They spend hours getting ready and then end up wearing the first outfit they tried on?'

'Nope. Although that is true. The fundamental difference between men and women is when women go out for the evening, they absolutely know they're guaranteed s.e.x if they want it. Most men, however, are totally reliant on the good grace and agreement of the female of the species for that particular outlet of pleasure.'

'Most men?'

'That's what I'm trying to tell you. I'm not most men,' he says, without a trace of arrogance. 'And if you'd been given a gift like this, you wouldn't want to chuck it away without utilizing it as much as possible.'

'So you're saying that the reason you behave like a tart...'

'...is the same reason that dogs lick their b.a.l.l.s. Because they...?'

I know this one. 'Can.'

'Exactly.' Dan looks at me mournfully. 'Do you think I enjoy this bachelor lifestyle? A new woman every weekend? Trawling the bars and clubs to find someone to keep me warm at night?'

I don't even need to think about my answer. 'Yes. I think you do, actually.'

Dan grins at me. 'True. But then, who wouldn't?'

'I wouldn't, Dan. I like being in a relations.h.i.+p. I like the companions.h.i.+p, the sameness of it all. I thought I was done with all this "battle of the s.e.xes" stuff, which, incidentally, I'm beginning to realize isn't a fair fight.'

'It's not even a fight for me,' says Dan. 'Just a standoff, until the other side lets down their guard. But I'm a realist,' he says, pointing to his face. 'This isn't going to last for ever. I'm like an athlete. I've only got a few years in my prime before I'm going to have to hang up my boots, and until that day comes, I'm going to b.l.o.o.d.y well have some fun.'

'Even if it's at the expense of other people's feelings?' I say. 'According to Wendy.'

Dan puts his head in his hands. 'How on earth did we get from flipping dance cla.s.ses to pick on Dan time?'

'But don't you worry that you'll be leaving it all too late. What if once you've found out that you've lost this "gift" you're not able to attract the sort of woman that you fancy?'

'Well, I suppose I'll just have to find a rich older woman who'll be so grateful to have me that she'll happily compensate me for my having to drive down the wrinkly highway. And anyway, this isn't about me, remember. It's about you. And your "problem".'

'Dan, for the last time. I don't have a problem.'

'You're sure? Don't want to get it independently verified?' he says, nodding at Wendy, who's slamming gla.s.ses noisily into the gla.s.s washer behind the bar. 'Maybe learn a few new tricks?'

'No!'

Dan sips his drink thoughtfully for a few moments. 'You could always go to, you know, a "professional".'

I can't believe what I'm hearing. 'Dan, forgetting for a moment the fact that it is in fact illegal, and I don't actually want to go to prison, are you seriously suggesting that I pay to sleep with a prost.i.tute so she can give me a few pointers on my between-the-sheets technique?'

He shrugs. 'Why not? You're paying that Sam girl to get you fit-why is this any different? All you're doing is sh.e.l.ling out for a professional service, so to speak.'

'Dan, how many times do I have to tell you, I'm not going to be unfaithful to Jane.'

'Going to a prost.i.tute isn't being unfaithful.'

'How on earth do you work that out?'

'Like I say, because you're paying for a service. There's no emotion involved.'

'Rubbish.'

Dan sighs. 'Okay. Say, for example, that Jane makes really nice cakes. Then one day, you find that a friend of hers makes cakes too. Unbeknown to Jane, her friend gives you one of her cakes and you eat it. And you like it. And you start wanting her cakes more than Jane's, despite Jane's cakes still being available, maybe sneaking off and eating them without Jane knowing.'

'That's being unfaithful.'

'Exactly. But, say Jane's gone away for a while, and you haven't had a cake for ages, so you go to the supermarket and buy a cake to eat. It's just a cake, someone else you don't know has made it, and you don't plan to go back and keep buying cakes from the supermarket. In fact, once Jane comes back, you'll be quite happy to eat Jane's cakes again. Is that still being unfaithful?'

I stare at him. 'Where do you get this stuff from?'

Dan grins. 'I make most of it up.'

'And it shows.'

'But seriously,' he continues, 'it wouldn't hurt for you to think of a way to liven things up a bit in the bedroom. You know, introduce something new. Before she introduces someone new.'

'Such as?'

'Well, did the two of you ever talk about your fantasies? Dressing up, and the like?'

'I'm a bit straighter than that. I like normal s.e.x. And I think Jane's the same.'

'Did you ever ask her?'

'Not in so many words. But she never intimated that she might like to do anything slightly...'

'Risque?'

'Exactly. Unlike you, it doesn't have to be pervy for most people to enjoy it.'

Dan looks a little offended. 'I'm not being pervy. It's just that I like a bit of variety.'

'Dan, you sleep with a different woman every time. You can't get much more varied than that.'

'Exactly my point. You don't. So I can't believe that after ten years there's nothing you'd like to try.'

'Well there isn't.'

'No?'

'No.'