Grass For His Pillow Part 10

Her back ached; when she was finally in bed she could not get comfortable, and sleep would not come. She had gone through the whole terrible day and she was still alive, but now that the house was quiet, the weeping and chanting stilled, a deep sense of dread came over her. Her father's words rang in her ears. His face and the faces of the dead men loomed before her eyes. She feared their ghosts would try to s.n.a.t.c.h Takeo's child from her. Finally she slept, her arms wrapped around her belly.

She dreamed her father was attacking her. He drew the dagger from his belt but instead of plunging it into his own belly he came close to her, put his hand on the back of her neck, and drove the dagger deep into her. An agonizing pain swept through her, making her wake with a cry. The pain surged again rhythmically. Her legs were already awash with blood.

Her father's funeral took place without her. The child slipped from her womb like an eel, and her life's blood followed. Then fever came, turning her vision red, setting her tongue babbling, tormenting her with hideous visions.

s.h.i.+zuka and Ayame brewed all the herbs known to them, then in despair burned incense and struck gongs to banish the evil spirits that possessed her, and called for priests and a spirit girl to drive them away.

After three days it seemed nothing would save her. Ai never left her side. Even Hana was beyond tears. Around the hour of the Goat, s.h.i.+zuka stepped outside to fetch fresh water, when one of the men at the guardhouse called to her.

"Visitors are coming. Men on horses and two palanquins. Lord Fujiwara, I think."

"He must not come in," she said. "There is pollution by blood as well as by death."

The bearers set the palanquins down outside the gate, and she dropped to her knees as Fujiwara looked out.

"Lord Fujiwara, forgive me. It is impossible for you to come in."

"I was told Lady Otori is gravely ill," he replied. "Let me talk to you in the garden."

She remained kneeling as he walked past her, then rose and followed him to the pavilion by the stream. He waved his servants away and turned to s.h.i.+zuka. "How serious is it?"

"I do not think she will live beyond tonight," s.h.i.+zuka replied in a low voice. "We have tried everything."

"I have brought my physician," Fujiwara said. "Show him where to go and then come back to me."

She bowed to him and went back to the gate where the physician, a small, middle-aged man with a kind, intelligent look about him, was emerging from the second palanquin. She took him to the room where Kaede lay, her heart sinking at the sight of her pale skin and unfocused eyes. Kaede's breathing was rapid and shallow, and every now and then she gave a sharp cry-whether of fear or pain, it was impossible to tell.

When she came back Lord Fujiwara was standing gazing toward the end of the garden, where the stream fell away over rocks. The air was beginning to chill, and the sound of the waterfall was bleak and lonely. s.h.i.+zuka knelt again and waited for him to speak. "Is.h.i.+da is very skilled," he said. "Don't give up hope yet."

"Lord Fujiwara's kindness is extreme," she murmured. She could only think of Kaede's pale face and wild eyes. She longed to return to her, but she could not leave without the n.o.bleman's permission.

"I am not a kind man," he replied. "I am motivated mainly by my own desires, by selfishness. It is my nature to be cruel." He glanced briefly at her and said, "How long have you served Lady s.h.i.+rakawa? You are not from this part of the country?"

"I was sent to her in the spring while she was still at Noguchi Castle."

"Sent by whom?"

"By Lord Arai."

"Indeed? And do you report back to him?"

"What can Lord Fujiwara mean?" s.h.i.+zuka said.

"There is something about you that is unusual in a servant. I wondered if you might be a spy."

"Lord Fujiwara has too high an opinion of my abilities," s.h.i.+zuka replied.

"I hope you never have cause to incite my cruelty."

She heard the threat behind his words and said nothing.

He went on as if talking to himself. "Her person, her life, touch me in a way I have never felt before. I thought myself long past experiencing any new emotion. I will not let anyone or anything-even death-take her from me."

"Everyone who sees her is bewitched by her," s.h.i.+zuka whispered, "but fate has been unusually harsh to her."

"I wish I knew her true life," he said. "I know she has many secrets. The recent tragedy of her fathers death is another, I suppose. I hope you will tell me one day, if she cannot." His voice broke. "The idea that such beauty might perish pierces my soul," he said. s.h.i.+zuka thought she heard artificiality in his voice, but his eyes were filled with tears. "If she lives I will marry her," he said. "That way I will have her with me always. You may go now. But will you tell her that?"

"Lord Fujiwara." s.h.i.+zuka touched her forehead to the ground and crept away backward.

If she lives...

6.

Matsue was a northern town, cold and austere. We arrived in the middle of autumn, when the wind from the mainland howled across a sea as dark as iron. Once the snows began, like Hagi, Matsue would be cut off from the rest of the country for three months. It was as good a place as any to learn what I had to learn.

For a week we had walked all day, following the coastal road. It did not rain, but the sky was often overcast and each day was shorter and colder than the last. We stopped at many villages and showed the children juggling, spinning tops, and games with string thatYuki and Keiko knew. At night we always found shelter with merchants who were part of the Tribe network. I lay awake till late listening to whispered conversations, my nostrils filled with the smells of the brewery or of soybean foodstuff. I dreamed of Kaede, and longed for her, and sometimes when I was alone I would take out s.h.i.+geru's letter and read his last words, in which he had charged me to avenge his death and to take care of Lady s.h.i.+rakawa. Consciously I had made the decision to go to the Tribe, but, even in those early days, just before sleep, unbidden images came to me of his uncles, unpunished in Hagi, and of his sword, Jato, sleeping at Terayama.

By the time we arrived at Matsue, Yuki and I were lovers. It happened with inevitability, yet not through my will. I was always aware of her on the road, my senses tuned to her voice, her scent. But I was too unsure of my future, my position in the group, too guarded and wary to make any move toward her. It was obvious that Akio also found her attractive. He was at ease with her as with no one else, seeking out her company, walking beside her on the road, sitting next to her at meals. I did not want to antagonize him further.

Yuki's position in the group was unclear. She deferred to Akio and always treated him with respect; yet, she seemed equal to him in status and, as I had reason to know, her skills were greater. Keiko was obviously lower down in the order, perhaps from a lesser family or a collateral branch. She continued to ignore me, but showed blind loyalty to Akio. As for the older man, Kazuo, everyone treated him as a mixture between a servant and an uncle. He had many practical skills, including thievery.

Akio was Kikuta through both father and mother. He was a second cousin to me and had the same hands shaped like mine. His physical skills were astounding-he had the fastest reflexes of anyone I've ever met, and could leap so high he seemed to be flying-but apart from his ability to perceive the use of invisibility and the second self, and his dexterity in juggling, none of the more unusual Kikuta gifts had come to him. Yuki told me this one day when we were walking some way ahead of the others.

"The masters fear the gifts are dying out. Every generation seems to have fewer." She gave me a sideways look and added, "That's why it's so important to us to keep you."

Her mother had said the same thing and I would have liked to have heard more, but Akio shouted at me that it was my turn to push the cart. I saw the jealousy in his face as I walked toward him. I understood it and his hostility to me all too well. He was fanatically loyal to the Tribe, having been raised in their teachings and way of life; I could not help but realize that my sudden appearance was likely to usurp many of his ambitions and hopes. But understanding his antipathy did not make it any easier to bear, nor did it make me like him. I said nothing as I took the handles of the cart from him. He ran forward to walk beside Yuki, whispering to her, forgetting, as he often did, that I could hear every word. He'd taken to calling me the Dog, and the nickname had enough truth in it to stick. As I've said before, I have an affinity with dogs: I can hear the things they hear, and I've known what it's like to be speechless.

"What were you saying to the Dog?" he asked her. "Teaching, teaching," she replied offhandedly. "There's so much he needs to learn."

But what she turned out to be best at teaching was the art of love.

Both Yuki and Keiko took on the role of prost.i.tutes on the road if they needed to. So did many of the Tribe, men and women, no one thinking any the worse of them for it. It was simply another role to a.s.sume, then discard. Of course, the clans had quite different ideas about the virginity of their brides and the fidelity of their wives. Men could do what they liked; women were expected to be chaste. The teachings I had grown up with were somewhere between the two: The Hidden are supposed to be pure in matters of physical desire, but in practice are forgiving of one another's lapses, as they are in all things.

On our fourth night we stayed in a large village with a wealthy family. Despite the scarcity in the whole area following the storms, they had stockpiles of supplies and they were generous hosts. The merchant offered us women, maids from his household, and Akio and Kazuo accepted. I made an excuse of some sort, which brought a storm of teasing, but the matter was not forced. Later, when the girls came to the room and lay down with the other men, I moved my mattress outside onto the veranda and s.h.i.+vered under the brittle ice points of the stars. Desire, longing for Kaede-to be honest, at that moment for any woman-tormented me. The door slid open, and one of the girls from the household, I thought, came out onto the veranda. As she closed the door behind her, I caught her fragrance and recognized her tread.

Yuki knelt beside me. I reached out for her and pulled her down next to me. Her girdle was already undone, her robe loose. I remember feeling the most immense grat.i.tude to her. She loosened my clothes, making it all so easy for me-too easy; I was too quick. She scolded me for my impatience, promising to teach me. And so she did.

The next morning Akio looked at me searchingly. "You changed your mmd last night?"

I wondered how he knew-if he had heard us through the flimsy screens or if he was just guessing.

"One of the girls came to me. It seemed impolite to turn her away," I replied.

He grunted and did not pursue the matter, but he watched Yuki and me carefully, even though we said nothing to each other, as though he knew something had changed between us. I thought about her constantly, swinging between elation and despair: elation because the act of love with her was indescribably wonderful; despair because she was not Kaede, and because what we did together bound me ever more closely to the Tribe.

I couldn't help remembering Ken) is comment as he left: It's a It's a good thing Yuki's going to be around to keep an eye on you. good thing Yuki's going to be around to keep an eye on you. He had known this would happen. Had he planned it with her, instructed her? Did Akio of course know, because he had been told? I was filled with misgivings, and I did not trust Yuki, but it didn't stop me from going to her every time I had the chance. She, so much wiser in these matters, made sure the chance arose often. And Akio's jealousy grew more apparent every day. He had known this would happen. Had he planned it with her, instructed her? Did Akio of course know, because he had been told? I was filled with misgivings, and I did not trust Yuki, but it didn't stop me from going to her every time I had the chance. She, so much wiser in these matters, made sure the chance arose often. And Akio's jealousy grew more apparent every day.

So our little group came to Matsue, outwardly united and in harmony, but in fact torn by intense emotions that, being true members of the Tribe, we concealed from outsiders and from one another.

We stayed at the Kikuta house, another merchant's place, smelling of fermenting soybeans, paste, and sauce. The owner, Gosaburo, was Kotaro's youngest brother, also first cousin to my father. There was little need for secrecy. We were now well beyond the Three Countries and Arai's reach, and in Matsue the local clan, the Yos.h.i.+da, had no quarrel with the Tribe, finding them equally useful for moneylending, spying, and a.s.sa.s.sination. Here we had news of Arai, who was busy subduing the East and the Middle Country, making alliances, fighting border skirmishes, and setting up his administration. We heard the first rumors of his campaign against the Tribe and his intention to clear his lands of them, rumors that were the source of much mirth and derision.

I will not set down the details of my training. Its aim was to harden my heart and instill in me ruthlessness. But even now, years later, the memory of its harshness and cruelty makes me flinch and want to turn my eyes away. They were cruel times: Maybe Heaven was angry, maybe men were taken over by devils, maybe when the powers of good weaken, the brutal, with its nose for rot, storms in. The Tribe, crudest of the cruel, flourished.

I was not the only Tribe member in training. There were several other boys, most of them much younger, all of them born Kikuta and raised in the family. The one closest to me in age was a solidly built, cheerful-faced young man with whom I was often paired. His name was Hajime, and though he did not exactly deflect Akio's rage toward me-to do so openly would be unthinkably disobedient-he often managed to draw some of it away. There was something about him I liked, though I would not go as far as to say I trusted him.

His fighting skills were far greater than mine. He was a wrestler, and also strong enough to pull the huge bows of the master archers, but in the skills that are given rather than learned, neither he nor any of the others came near what I could do. It was only now that I began to realize how exceptional these skills were. I could go invisible for minutes on end, even in the bare white-walled hall; sometimes not even Akio could see me. I could split myself while fighting and watch my opponent grapple with my second self from the other side of the room. I could move without sound while my own hearing became ever more acute, and the younger boys quickly learned never to look me directly in the eye. I had put all of them to sleep at one time or another. I was learning slowly to control this skill as I practiced on them. When I looked into their eyes I saw the weaknesses and fears that made them vulnerable to my gaze: sometimes their own inner fears, sometimes fear of me and the uncanny powers that had been given to me.

Every morning I did exercises with Akio to build up strength and speed. I was slower and weaker than he was in almost all areas, and he had gained nothing in patience. But to give him his due, he was determined to teach me some of his skills in leaping and flying, and he succeeded. Part of those skills were in me already-my stepfather, after all, used to call me a wild monkey-and Akio's brutal but skillful teaching drew them to the surface and showed me how to control them.

After only a few weeks I was aware of the difference in me, of how much I had hardened in mind and body.

We always finished with fighting barehanded-not that the Tribe used this art much, preferring a.s.sa.s.sination to actual combat-but we were all trained in it. Then we sat in silent meditation, a robe slung across our cooling bodies, keeping our body temperature up by force of will. My head was usually ringing from some blow or fall, and I did not empty my mind as I was supposed to but instead dwelt savagely on how I would like to see Akio suffer. I gave to him all of Jo-An's torment that he'd once described to me.

My training was designed to encourage cruelty, and I embraced it at the time wholeheartedly, glad for the skills it was giving me, delighted at how they enhanced those I had learned with the Otori warriors' sons back when s.h.i.+geru was still alive. My fathers Kikuta blood came to life in me. My mother's compa.s.sion drained away, along with all the teachings of my childhood. I no longer prayed; neither the Secret G.o.d, nor the Enlightened One, nor the old spirits meant anything to me. I did not believe in their existence and I saw no evidence that they favored those who did. Sometimes in the night I would wake suddenly and catch an unprotected glimpse of myself, and shudder at what I was becoming, and then I would rise silently and, if I could, go and find Yuki, lie down with her, and lose myself in her.

We never spent the whole night together. Our encounters were always short and usually silent. But one afternoon we found ourselves alone in the house, apart from the servants who were occupied in the shop. Akio and Hajime had taken the younger boys to the shrme for some dedication ceremony, and I had been told to copy some doc.u.ments for Gosaburo. I was grateful for the task. I rarely held a brush in my hands, and because I had learned to write so late, I was always afraid the characters would desert me. The merchant had a few books and, as s.h.i.+geru had instructed me, I read whenever I could, but I had lost my inkstone and brushes at Inuyama and had hardly written since.

I diligently copied the doc.u.ments-records from the shop, accounts of the amount of soybeans and rice purchased from local farmers-but my fingers were itching to draw. I was reminded of my first visit to Terayama, the brilliance of the summer day, the beauty of the paintings, the little mountain bird I had drawn and given to Kaede.

As always, when I was thinking of the past, my heart unguarded, she came to me and took possession of me all over again. I could feel her presence, smell the fragrance of her hair, hear her voice. So strongly was she with me, I had a moment of fear, as if her ghost had slipped into the room. Her ghost would be angry with me, filled with resentment and rage for abandoning her. Her words rang in my ears: I'm afraid of myself. I only feel safe with you. I'm afraid of myself. I only feel safe with you.

It was cold in the room and already growing dark, with all the threat of the winter to come. I s.h.i.+vered, full of remorse and regret. My hands were numb with cold.

I could hear Yuki's footsteps approaching from the back of the building. I started writing again. She crossed the courtyard and stepped out of her sandals onto the veranda of the records room. I could smell burning charcoal. She had brought a small brazier, which she placed on the floor next to me.

"You look cold," she said. "Shall I bring tea?"

"Later, maybe." I laid down the brush and held my hands out to the warmth. She took them and rubbed them between her own.

"I'll close the shutters," she said.

"Then you'll have to bring a lamp. I can't see to write."

She laughed quietly. The wooden shutters slid into place, one after another. The room went dim, lit only by the faint glow of the charcoal. When Yuki came back to me she had already loosened her robe. Soon we were both warm. But after the act of love, as wonderful as ever, my unease returned. Kaede's spirit had been in the room with me. Was I causing her anguish and arousing her jealousy and spite?

Curled against me, the heat radiating from her, Yuki said, "A message came from your cousin."

"Which cousin?" I had dozens of them now. "Muto s.h.i.+zuka."

I eased myself away from Yuki so she would not hear the quickened beating of my heart. "What did she say?"

"Lady s.h.i.+rakawa is dying. s.h.i.+zuka said she feared the end was very near." Yuki added in her indolent, sated voice, "Poor thing."

She was glowing with life and pleasure. But the only thing I was aware of in the room was Kaede, her frailty, her intensity, her supernatural beauty. I called out to her in my soul: You cannot die. I must see you again. I will come for you. Don't die before I see you again! You cannot die. I must see you again. I will come for you. Don't die before I see you again!

Her spirit gazed on me, her eyes dark with reproach and sorrow. Yuki turned and looked up at me, surprised by my silence. "s.h.i.+zuka thought you should know: Was there something between you? My father hinted as much, but he said it was just green love. He said everyone who saw her became infatuated with her."

I did not answer. Yuki sat up, pulling her robe around her. "It was more than that, wasn't it? You loved her." She seized my hands and turned me to face her. "You loved her," she repeated, the jealousy beginning to show in her voice, "Is it over?"

"It will never be over," I said. "Even if she dies I can never stop loving her." Now that it was too late to tell Kaede, I knew that it was true.

"That part of your life is finished," Yuki said quietly but fiercely.

"All of it. Forget her! You will never see her again." I could hear the anger and frustration in her voice.

"I would never have told you if you had not mentioned her." I pulled my hands away from her and dressed again. The warmth had gone from me as swiftly as it had come. The brazier was cooling.

"Bring some more charcoal," I told Yuki. "And lamps. I must finish the work."

"Takeo-" she began, and then broke off abruptly. "I'll send the maid," she said, getting to her feet. She touched the back of my neck as she left, but I made no response. Physically we had been deeply involved: Her hands had ma.s.saged me, and struck me in punishment. We had killed side by side; we had made love. But she had barely brushed the surface of my heart, and at that moment we both knew it.

I made no sign of my grief, but I wept inwardly for Kaede and for the life that we might have had together. No further word came from s.h.i.+zuka, though I never stopped listening for messengers. Yuki did not mention the subject again. I could not believe Kaede was dead, and in the daytime I clung to that belief, but the nights were different.

The last of the color faded as leaves fell from maple and willow. Strings of wild geese flew southward across the sullen sky. Messengers became less frequent as the town began to close down for winter. But they still came from time to time, bringing news of Tribe activities and of the fighting in the Three Countries, and, always, bringing new orders for our trade.

For that was how we described our work of spying and killing: trade, with human lives measured out as so many units. I copied records of these, too, often sitting till late into the night with Gos-aburo, the merchant, moving from the soybean harvest to the other, deadlier one. Both showed a fine profit, though the soybeans had been affected by the storms while the murders had not, though one candidate for a.s.sa.s.sination had drowned before the Tribe could get to him and there was an ongoing dispute about payment.

The Kikuta, being more ruthless, were supposed to be more skilled at a.s.sa.s.sination than the Muto, who were traditionally the most effective spies. These two families were the aristocracy of the Tribe; the other three, Kuroda, Kudo, and Imai, worked at more menial and humdrum tasks, being servants, petty thieves, informants, and so on. Because the traditional skills were so valued, there were many marriages between Muto and Kikuta, fewer between them and the other families, though the exceptions often threw up geniuses like the a.s.sa.s.sin s.h.i.+ntaro.

After dealing with the accounts, Kikuta Gosaburo would give me lessons in genealogy, explaining the intricate relations.h.i.+ps of the Tribe that spread like an autumn spider's web across the Three Countries, into the North and beyond. He was a fat man with a double chin like a woman's and a smooth, plump face, deceptively gentle-looking. The smell of fermentation clung to his clothes and skin. If he was in a good mood he would call for wine and move from genealogy into history-the Tribe history of my ancestors. Little had changed in hundreds of years. Warlords might rise and fall, clans flourish and disappear, but the trade of the Tribe in all the essentials of life went on forever. Except now Arai wanted to bring about change. All other powerful warlords worked with the Tribe. Only Arai wanted to destroy them.

Gosaburo's chins wobbled with laughter at the idea.

At first I was called on only as a spy, sent to overhear conversations in taverns and teahouses, ordered to climb over walls and roofs at night and listen to men confiding in their sons or their wives. I heard the townspeople's secrets and fears, the Yos.h.i.+da clan's strategies for spring, the concerns at the castle about Arai's intentions beyond the borders and about peasant uprisings close to home. I went into the mountain villages, listened to those peasants, and identified the ringleaders.

One night Gosaburo clicked his tongue in disapproval at a long-overdue account. Not only had no payments been made, more goods had been ordered. The man's name was Furoda, a low-ranking warrior who had turned to farming to support his large family and his liking for the good things in life. Beneath his name I read the symbols that indicated the rising level of intimidation already used against him: A barn had been set alight, one of his daughters abducted, a son beaten up, dogs and horses killed. Yet, he still sank ever more deeply into the Kikuta's debt.

"This could be one for the Dog," the merchant said to Akio, who had joined us for a gla.s.s of wine. Like everyone except Yuki, he used Akio's nickname for me.

Akio took the scroll and ran his eyes over Furoda's sad history. "He's had a lot of leeway."

"Well, he's a likable fellow. I've known him since we were boys. I can't go on making allowances for him, though."

"Uncle, if you don't deal with him, isn't everyone going to expect the same leniency?" Akio said.

"That's the trouble: No one's paying on time at the moment. They all think they can get away with it because Furoda has." Gosaburo sighed deeply, his eyes almost disappearing in the folds of his cheeks. "I'm too softhearted. That's my problem. My brothers are always telling me."

"The Dog is softhearted," Akio said. "But we're training him not to be. He can take care of Furoda for you. It will be good for him."

"If you kill him he can never pay his debts," I said.

"But everyone else will." Akio spoke as if pointing out an obvious truth to a simpleton.