Jack And Jill: Dawn Of Forever Part 42

"Yeah, I knew."

Her head jutted forward. "You knew?"

He nodded. "I saw them kissing at a fundraiser our senior year of high school."

"And you didn't tell me?"

"I tried. The day you told me about the trip you planned with Claire I was going to tell you, but I decided to wait until you got back home, but then ..."

"But what? She died and I went insane? That doesn't explain never telling me."

"You built your dreams on them, their relations.h.i.+p, their marriage. At what point was I supposed to obliterate your dreams?"

"That's what is was ... all those years. You held something inside. I always knew you weren't telling me something. And the women ... I dreamed big, but my G.o.d ... you had no dreams at all. It was Mom. That's why you hated women so much."

"I didn't hate women."

"You f.u.c.ked Irene and then taught her piano lessons without a clue that your d.i.c.k had ever been in her."

"I didn't."

"You did. In a bar. That's my point." Jillian coughed, pressing her finger to her neck again.

"It's history. That's not what I want to tell you anyway. I no longer give a s.h.i.+t about the affair, their marriage, or any of it. They're dead. Knox is dead."

"You killed him?"

"I saw ..."

"What?"

"Nothing. Let me just say this, okay?"

She nodded once.

"Knox said Mom and Dad were murdered. They suspected Dad's cover had been compromised, but they couldn't prove it for sure."

"Yes ..."

"I had someone at G.A.I.L. pull all of Irene's phone records, emails, texts ... everything since she was released from the mental inst.i.tution. She started a rumor that went viral through not only G.A.I.L. but the DEA about threats being made against Dad. Several days after it started she texted Amanda and Robbie."

"Who are Amanda and Robbie?"

"They were the couple she sprung from the mental inst.i.tution. She sent them Mom and Dad's address and step-by-step instructions on breaking the security code. She also wired them fifty grand each from G.A.I.L. and hid it under travel expenses-miscellaneous trips, jet fuel, and pilots that were never actually purchased."

"She went back to working with G.A.I.L. after being locked up for five years?"

"No. But when the brains behind the intel and security leaves, she takes all the secrets with her. She could break into G.A.I.L.'s computer system with her eyes shut."

Jillian shook her head. "I don't understand why you're telling me all this. I don't understand the point."

Jackson sighed. She hated it because it sounded like a sympathy sigh.

"You do understand, you just don't want to hear it."

"No." Denial was the only thing she had left to hold on to.

"I'm sorry. We didn't know."

"We didn't know? Are you kidding me? You and Knox show up and ruin my whole f.u.c.king life. I leave everything, fake my death, watch the man I love mourn over my grave and you're sorry? I was in just as much danger leaving as I would have been staying. The only person coming after us knew who and where we were. Do you see how f.u.c.ked up this is? How could neither one of you have done your f.u.c.king research before destroying my life? You left nothing behind, but I did!" She coughed, a little blood coming up again.

"What's going on?" Luke asked, carrying a tray with water, ice, and something resembling a smoothie.

Jillian glared at Jackson. "Leave."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not ready for your apology ... for any of it." She didn't say AJ's name, but Jackson's mercy killing had not slipped her mind. It would never slip her mind.

"I died yesterday ... when you weren't breathing. I died. I may make mistakes and act impulsively, but I do it because I love you. When you had the fairytale in your head of Mom and Dad's aperfect' life, I had nothing but you. When you met Luke, I had nothing but you. But yesterday-in the ambulance-I simply had nothing. So hate me. I'll f.u.c.king take it every single day because it means you're alive. I don't need your love. I just ... I just need you."

Jillian clenched her teeth, blinking back her tears. In so many ways the greatest love story of her life was not with Luke or AJ ... it was with Jackson. He was the constant in her life. His love defined unconditional. Someday she would tell him ... someday.

Jackson left.

Chapter Thirty-Nine.

"When did she stop giving you IV fluids?"

Jillian heard Luke's voice, but it was still Jackson's words claiming her every thought.

"It had to have been days ago. They're going to keep you here for several days to replenish lost fluids and electrolytes. They're kind of important to keep your heart beating and kidneys working properly. Your hand and shoulder were infected too. They're treating it with antibiotics."

"K," she whispered.

"Did you hear anything I said?"

She stared at the water and smoothie he set on the tray in front of her.

"I'll take that as a no."

"Sorry." She met his eyes.

"Don't." He sat in the chair next to her bed. "I need you to promise me something."

It felt impossible to promise Luke anything. Their life together was nothing more than broken promises-shattered dreams.

"Don't ever apologize to me."

"Luke ..."

"I mean it."

She didn't respond. It was best left hanging in the air. It was an impossible request.

"I need you to do something for me," she said.

"Anything."

"I need you to go home."

The pain of her words reflected on his face, but she wouldn't apologize. He didn't want her to do that.

Luke shook his head. "I can't. You'll disappear. I can't lose you again."

She gave him a sad smile. "You haven't really found me yet."

His eyes searched hers. Only Luke would understand the complexity of her statement.

"I didn't have to leave. Last year? I. Didn't. Have. To. Leave. Irene was responsible for my parents' deaths. It wasn't related to my father's job."

Anger. Luke's features hardened. She understood.

She swiped the tears that fell to her cheeks. "But here's the thing ... I did leave. And a lifetime happened in that year. I don't have to be Jillian Knight anymore, but I don't feel like Jessica Day. I just feel lost and angry, and the pain is ... unbearable. AJ is dead and you're alive, right here, and yet ... I'm grieving the loss of both of you."

If she recognized one thing, it was when the man before her fought with the desire to be Luke and the need to be Dr. Jones.

Dr. Jones pulled Luke out of the chair. Luke blinked back his tears. Dr. Jones smiled and brushed the back of his hand against her cheek, catching her tears. Then the doctor and the man she'd love for a million lifetimes walked to the door.

"Jessica?" He didn't turn and for that she was grateful, because she was a breath away from begging him to stay even if it would eventually destroy them.

"Yes?"

"Are we over?"

She clenched her fist next to her heart and swallowed back a sob. "We'll never be over."

Three days.

They were the longest three days with nothing but her thoughts and grief. Jillian swallowed her stubborn pride and called Jackson to come get her from the hospital when her doctor gave her the OK to go home.

"You wearing that gown home or would you like some clothes." Jackson stood in the doorway holding up a bag.

She walked over to him, her bare a.s.s peeking out of her hospital gown. "I think my skin will reject clothes..." she grabbed the bag "...but I'll give it a go." Lifting on her toes, she planted a kiss on his cheek. "I know you don't need it, but my love ... you have it."

He returned a sad smile.

"Jujube, you were the first boy I ever loved."

His smile grew.

Jillian stepped into the bathroom to dress. "Where do we stand with G.A.I.L.?"

"We don't."

"What does that mean?"

"Our parents died and so did their killers. We don't work for the DEA or any other government agency ... h.e.l.l, we barely exist. They've acleaned up' the situation from the past couple of weeks. I said we wanted out."

"Cleaned up? I didn't want that place cleaned up."

"Don't worry. It's been burned to the ground. I requested a park be put in its spot."

"Did I mention I love you?"

"Yes."

"Though I still don't understand. n.o.body leaves G.A.I.L."

"We do. Knox is dead. Someone will fill his shoes, but we're out."

Jillian peeked around the corner. "You're serious?"

"Dead."

"So now what?"

"Now we decide who we want to be. Live within the law and ... I don't know."

"Can you live within the law?"

Jackson smirked. "I can manage."

"No killing."

"I know. I've checked everyone off my wish list anyway."

"You had a akilling' wish list?"