A Sketch Of What You Mean To Me Part 13

She looked up, her mouth in a smile but her eyes telling a different story. The corners of her mouth quivered.

'I'm sorry.' She put her hands in front of her face. 'I'm really happy for you. There's nothing more I wish for anyone in our situation.'

I went towards her and wrapped her fragile body into an embrace.

'I wish the same for you too. You will get there.' I said definitely.

She nodded, with her lips pressed together. I rubbed her back in a circular movement a few times.

'What's on your agenda as a healthy man?' She asked.

'It actually won't be that different for now. I already decided that I'll still go to the kids at the hospital once a week. They give me so much with their reactions. And hanging out with you of course.'

The corners of her mouth turned upwards.

I went back to the counter to continue cooking.

'But really, it's great. I'm very happy for you.' She said.

I nodded and smiled. 'So, now it's your turn with a story.'

'Hm.' She thought. 'I never had a real relations.h.i.+p. I always wanted one but somehow I never found the right guy. But I always wished my relations.h.i.+ps to be somewhat like this.'

I gave her a crooked smile.

'I know you have a girlfriend and I don't want to intrude on anything here. But it's nice.' Her head made a bobbing movement as if she was nodding to herself. Then she looked at me. 'Doesn't Fiona get jealous?'

'She isn't a real girlfriend at the moment. But I don't want her to be jealous.' I wiped my nose and regretted it because there was some chilly on my fingers. 'We have such a limited way of communicating at the moment, I want to use it to move us forward and not create unnecessary problems.'

'She is a lucky girl.' Lucy smiled, her head propped onto her hands.

'It's all so fragile at the moment. I don't know where we are at. I don't think she'd consider her so lucky right now.'

'She will come around.' Lucy said with such an a.s.surance that I wanted to believe it.

Later that evening, when Lucy was back home, my mom demanded to know why I had sent her to the cinema with a friend.

'It's obvious that you needed the house to yourself but what did you have to hide?'

'I have nothing to hide. I was having dinner with Lucy.'

'Lucy, hm?' She raised one eyebrow. 'What does Fiona think about that?'

I rolled my eyes in annoyance. 'Fiona doesn't need to worry. I just need a friend and that's all she is.'

Spring break was when I finally got to see Fiona again. After these long intervals of never seeing her in person, it hit me even harder how beautiful she was. We went for a walk along the beach and I couldn't stop staring at how her long hair flowed over her back like a waterfall that glistered in the sunlight with every step we took. I, on the other hand, kept my hair in a crew cut and was wearing a baseball cap most of the time. I usually put it on backwards to at least appear a little cool. This time I was wearing the hat Fiona had brought back for me from her university.

'You look a lot better than at Christmas.' She said after we walked in silence for a while. 'Being a healthy man suits you.'

'Thanks for the compliment, I guess.'

'Have you thought about your future lately?' She asked.

'In what way?' We sat down on a bench on the boardwalk.

'Like, what do you want to do when you are back on track again?'

I chewed the inside of my cheek. 'I haven't dared to think about that yet.' I pondered for a moment. 'Well, right now I can't do anything too physical, so no interns.h.i.+p at the lumberyard or something. Neither can I go away to college because I surely would get sick with all the germs. Plus...' I wanted to ramble on but Fiona cut me off.

'Listen to yourself. You're so negative! Too long people have been telling you how sick you are and what you can't do to get better.' A little more quietly she added 'Or to survive. But now you are better. You're not dying, Kevin!' She squeezed my hands. 'You're not dying. So, please make an effort and try to live like you have a future.'

I studied her face.

'You're scared.' I stated.

'I can't lose you again.' She whispered.

'You won't. I honestly am much better. I do think about the future but the most important factor is that you are in it.' I softly stroke over her cheek but then moved away again because I still felt this barrier between us that I created by pus.h.i.+ng her away from me. It was only fair if I allowed her enough time now to be ready to come back to me. The fact that she came to see me the first minute she returned from Florida was a good sign though, wasn't it? 'Sometimes I worry that in the future I won't be enough for you.' I stared at the ground grinding my foot on some sand that had been blown onto the boardwalk.

'Why?' She looked at me in confusion.

'Because I can't come jogging with you every day and don't have any successes you can be proud on, whereas you still are your strong old self.'

She lightly touched my arm. 'Look at me.'

I turned my head to face her. 'Sport was one thing that connected us but it wasn't what made us such a good couple. It was other things. The way I could talk to you and how you made me feel like I was the most special person in this world. That's the connection I'm trying to find again and the letters surely help. Plus, your comics are great!' She exclaimed. 'I showed a few to my friends and now they want to see everything you send me. Maybe you could pursue the drawing a little further.'

'Like taking art cla.s.ses?'

'Yes, why not?'

I shrugged. 'I just see it as a hobby.'

'Keep thinking about it.'

I nodded. 'You wrote about your summer plans. You want to go to Europe for a whole month?' I asked.

'Yes. It's such a long flight. At least it will be worth it.' She smiled a smile that I interpreted as slightly apologetic. I profited from this moment and took her hand into mine. She didn't refuse.

'I wished I could come, too.' But the doctors strictly prohibited me to board a plane, which was basically a party place for bacteria.

'I also picture us traveling together in the future. But I feel like it will be good for me if I do this one on my own, with Amanda.'

'That was a bit contradictory.'

'With you, I always felt safe and I wasn't afraid of conquering the world. It would be nice to see that I can do it on my own as well.'

'You went to Florida on your own.' To me, she seemed like such a strong person.

'I just go to school there. It's also such a protected area.' Then she looked directly into my eyes and I tried to burn this image into my memory for the long time we would be apart again. 'But I promise, I'll write you from every place.' Then she added, 'Plus, I won't go to Paris.'

'Should that be something I should be happy about?' I asked in confusion.

'Well,' Fiona blushed, 'after all, it's supposed to be the city of love. It would be pointless to go there without you.' She bit her lower lip and looked at me. Suddenly, the air between us seemed to be charged with electricity.

I moved my face a little closer. We looked into each other's eyes for another few seconds until she also moved towards me and our lips met. It was a bittersweet kiss. Now I knew what that word meant. It was so good because it was all I had been dreaming of during the past months but it was sad because it didn't bring us any closer or made her suddenly trust me again.

She gave a short laugh when we drew apart.

'I hope there will be more of that in the future, too.' I said.

'I need more time. It's difficult with this distance.' She frowned and moved slightly away from me.

'I know.' I sighed. 'And this is ok.' I smiled. 'Shall we head back?'

She nodded.

'You do know that this kiss will encourage my fantasies about you during the next few months.' I said.

'Stop that, you'll make me blush.' She laughed.

'Just being honest here. Even with the distance, you need to know this, too.'

She let me take her hand again. Although it didn't come to another kiss during her remaining spring break time, the first stone of our new foundation had been laid. Now, time would tell how long it would take to rebuild our castle.

Chapter 18.

I further thought about what activity or study branch I could pick up in case my health was still improving the way it was now. It was difficult though, since everything that used to interest me; machines and sports related things, hadn't been part of any recent activities. Perhaps, Eric had an idea and so, during one of our calls, I asked him where he saw me in the future.

'I always thought you'd have your own construction company one day. So, I think something with construction or engineering would suit you.' He said.

'Yes, that's still interesting but now I think more that it should be something in an office. You never know how long you are fit and it's just easier to work in a chair at a desk. But I've never been exact enough to draw plans for buildings.'

'There must be many other jobs in that field. Go online and look! But speaking of drawing, these dog comics you come up with, I mean, you've got a real talent there. Have you ever contacted the local newspaper, whether they want to print them?'

I laughed. 'No, I haven't. It's okay if the kids at the hospital or my friends see them but they aren't really intended for other people.'

'Send some of them to the local Gazette! If you don't I will.' He fake threatened me.

'Okay, I will.'

'Of course you could take some art cla.s.ses. Or attend a narration cla.s.s, like I do. It helps with sorting your thoughts and making your storytelling better.'

'I never thought that I would say this but you suggesting something related to storytelling for me, actually creates this warm and fuzzy feeling of excitement inside me.'

'I always knew we were more alike than we thought and we weren't just friends because of living close to each other.' He laughed. 'Just wished you wouldn't have needed this blow of destiny to figure it out.'

'I'm not running around on stage in tights yet.' I retorted.

'I'm not doing this so much anymore either. I like directing better. Storytelling.' He underlined again. 'My first short production will be on stage in September. Perhaps you could come here for a weekend then.'

'I think that should be doable.'

'Great. Fiona still seems to have a good impact on you. You sound much more positive.'

'I think it's a mixture of her and Lucy. She understands exactly what it is like to eat more medicine for breakfast than others are taking throughout their whole life, not be able to do the sports you want or not to be able to go on vacations you want to take. It's good to have somebody to talk to who understands.'

'And you are spending a lot of time with her?'

'I see her almost every day. And I know what you think now but it's not like this. I miss Fiona and I long to hold her in my arms. Fiona is who I want but Lucy is who I need now.'

'Makes sense.' He said to my surprise. 'And I'm not judging anyway.'

'I think I learned what dishonesty can do to you.' I said.

'Yes, you don't need to vindicate yourself. I'm your friend. I want you to be happy. Plus, I'm kind of going out with somebody new as well. Antonia. Phew, it's different from what I had with Lea. I love it.'

'Hah, sounds good. Send me a picture sometime. I'm still happy to be a judge.' I laughed.

When we hung up I looked through my comic sketches. I picked out three and re-drew them on white paper. Once I was satisfied, I put them into an envelope and wrote a note about who I was and that I would be very happy if they wanted to print one of my comics once a week.

After a week they called me to let me know that they would be more than happy to print such 'refres.h.i.+ng comics from a local artist' as they put it. When the first newspaper with my comic appeared, I was so proud, that I cut out the page and taped it to my door. I also went to look for other newspapers and sent the page to Fiona and Eric. I still have Fiona's reply email because it was the first time since my diagnosis that I felt worthy of her again because I wasn't a complete loser.

Subject: Comic Hey my dear I'm so proud of you! That's a real achievement. Keep it up! I'm thinking about ordering the newspaper to be sent to Florida. Otherwise, there's nothing new here. Soon, I can start packing to come home and then on to Europe. Woohoo!

*hug*

Fiona Eric just told me that in case I became rich, I should remember that it was his idea in the first place and I should reward him appropriately for it.

My mom was happy as well.

'My son is a published artist! We need to celebrate!' She held up a bottle of sparkling wine.

'You know that alcohol is not going together well with my medicine.'

'One exception under my supervision won't hurt.' She winked at me and filled two gla.s.ses.

'Do you think I could take some cla.s.ses at the community college next semester?'

She placed the bottle back on the counter and looked at me. 'That would be a great idea. I didn't want to push you too much, given your condition. But if you feel strong enough again, I'll support you as much as I can.'

'I think it would be good for me.' I said.