No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday Part 6

"I must remember that," said Matthew.

At the end of the cla.s.s Joan gave her rallying speech.

"So people, hopefully you have now had a chance to think about what is going to happen during labour and how you will make the most of this glorious experience as you prepare to welcome your new baby into the world. Remember millions of people have gone through this before, but your birth will be totally unique and should be treasured and cherished as one of the most important experiences of your life. Think about it like that and not something to be blocked out at all costs by artificial means. You ladies are blessed, truly blessed to have a body that has performed the miracle of conceiving a child, don't doubt your body now. Don't doubt that it can't complete this phenomenon. You can do it on your own if you really want to; I have absolute faith in all of you. Now any last questions before we leave?"

"So if the first epidural doesn't block out all the pain, will they give me another one?" asked Charlene.

Joan stared at Charlene for a few seconds before saying, with a sigh, "They will give you whatever you and the doctor think is necessary and good for you and the baby. OK guys that's enough for today. Can you just stack the chairs on your way out and we will see you next week."

"I so want to have a natural birth but I'm scared that I won't be able to, then I'll feel like I've really let these two down," said Alison to Katy, almost in tears as they shuffled towards the door.

Katy looked at her for the first time as just another woman, petrified at the thought of giving birth, rather than Matthew's wife who needed to be avoided at all costs.

"You'll be OK. It's twins after all. You'll be a hero however they come out," Katy found herself saying.

"Do you think so? You sound just like my friend Karen. She's always telling me not to be so stupid whilst being really nice at the same time," said Alison.

"I guess you must be missing your friends at the moment," Katy said before realising that she was entering into conversation with the one who should not be spoken to.

"Desperately," said Alison as a tear slid down her left cheek. "I thought moving up here was going to be perfect. I've planned it so carefully because you have to don't you, when you have a family to think about. But it's hard without friends and family around you. And Matthew works really long hours now he's a partner so I spend a lot of time on my own." Another tear leaked out of her left eye.

"Please don't cry," said Katy, panicking for the second time that evening. "You've only just moved. You'll make new friends once the babies have arrived, that's what everyone says always happens," said Katy, now desperate to stop the substantial leakage down Alison's cheeks.

"You're right; I know you're right. Sorry to be such a cry baby. Look I know I don't know you but Matthew told me that he remembered you went to school together so you know him, though not very well he said. Why don't you and Ben come round for dinner this weekend? I think I'll scream if I don't get some adult conversation with someone other than Matthew and the midwife," said Alison.

The invitation hung in the air as Katy stared at Alison in horror. How had this happened? How was she standing here being invited to dinner by the wife of the man who may have made her pregnant?

It was then that she saw something move very fast in the corner of her eye as someone or something came hurtling towards them. She turned and saw that it was actually Matthew, who appeared to be going for the record in sprinting across a hospital room.

He arrived at where Alison and Katy were standing narrowly avoiding the embarra.s.sment of stopping via a skid.

"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" asked Matthew, just a little bit out of breath.

"Oh it's just me being silly darling," said Alison. "I was just telling Katy that she reminds me of Karen and then I started missing her and I just couldn't help it. Stupid I know. Anyway tell Katy that she and Ben must come to dinner on Sat.u.r.day to stop me going out of my mind with boredom. You can reminisce about old times and Katy can tell me all your secrets about what you were really like at school. I bet he was good looking wasn't he?"

"Well they must already have plans," said Matthew, blind panic written on his face. "You can't just expect them to drop everything to entertain us."

"No a no plans," came a voice from behind them. "We'd love to come. You can show me that signed cup programme you were bragging about earlier," said Ben.

"Perfect, that's settled then," said Alison getting a pre-printed address card out of her bag and handing it to Katy. "We'll see you at 7.30pm."

And with that she whisked off down the corridor, dragging Matthew behind her, leakage miraculously cured and a pleased smile on her face.

Chapter 10.

"We'll have to get a move on, Rick and Braindead will be waiting," said Ben as soon as they were outside.

"What?" asked Katy, barely listening after the turn of events in the last five minutes.

"Remember? We're going for a beer with them so we can organise Rick's stag-do," said Ben.

"Oh G.o.d I'd completely forgotten. Don't you want to go on your own? You don't need me there do you?" asked Katy.

"Of course we do. If you're not there we'll never get it sorted. We got p.i.s.sed last time and couldn't remember a thing we decided," said Ben. "Besides we said we were going to the Red Lion in Otley. The guys are really looking forward to it."

"I bet they are," said Katy with a sigh. Her determination not to let the pregnancy affect their social life had been fully welcomed by Ben and his mates who suddenly found themselves with a free taxi service. However lately to her dismay she had found herself longing to be tucked up in bed by 9 o'clock, rather than having a night with the boys, even if it was usually highly entertaining.

"Let's go then," she said, fumbling for her keys.

"You're a star," said Ben. "After the baby arrives I'll drive you all the time, I promise. Braindead's even offered his babysitting services to us. He says he loves kids apparently."

"Ben, I like Braindead, you know I do, but I doubt he even knows where babies come from never mind being able to look after one."

"Are you implying that my very good friend Braindead is a virgin?" asked Ben. "April 3rd 2001, Nicola Sherwin at precisely 11.56pm in a bus shelter in Headingly."

"How did he know it was 11.56pm?" Katy barely dared ask.

"Because the bus stop had one of those electronic sign thingies," explained Ben. "He said as he was givin' it some when he saw the sign flash up that his bus would be arriving at 11.57pm. He didn't want to miss it so he put his foot down and just managed it with one minute to spare. Don't think Nicola was impressed though. He got on the bus and just left her standing there. Braindead idiot."

They reached the car and Ben leant over and gave Katy a quick squeeze around her shoulders.

"Come on love, a dose of insanity will do you good. You need to relax. This pregnancy malarkey is getting you all stressed out, I can tell," said Ben giving her a sympathetic smile.

You have no idea, she thought as she got into the car. Still, maybe he was right. Perhaps a night out with Ben and his mates would take her mind off what the h.e.l.l she was going to do about Alison's invitation to dinner.

They picked the boys up outside Whitelocks pub in the city centre.

"Alright."

"Alright."

"Alright."

"Katy, when G.o.d made you, he took a star out of the sky and gave it a heart," declared Rick.

"Then he chopped the moon in half and gave her the most glorious t.i.ts," muttered Braindead.

"I heard that," said Katy. "Are you both drunk already?"

"Soz Katy," said Braindead. "But you do have glorious t.i.ts now you are pregnant and everything. I was just stating a fact," he slurred slightly.

"So what about my t.i.ts before I was pregnant?" asked Katy indignantly.

"Well I can't say they were in my top five or anything. They were more like your kind of average everyday t.i.ts then. But yesterday I put you in my top five."

"Yesterday? You mean you were thinking about my t.i.ts yesterday?"

"Err yeah."

"But I didn't see you yesterday?" asked a confused Katy.

"So?"

"You mean you think about my t.i.ts when I am not there?"

"Well I am hardly likely to think about them when you are there am I? That would be, like, a bit weird wouldn't it?" said Braindead in genuine amazement.

"No. It's weird that you think about my t.i.ts at all!"

"Ah well it was only fleeting if that makes you feel any better. I was in the shop at the end of my road and Mrs. Ras.h.i.+d served me as usual. Now she has always been in my top five as sort of like a mystery guest. Mystery because she wears one of those Indian costume things so I can't actually do a full a.s.sessment, but I liked the idea of having someone in my top five who could surprise me. Anyway yesterday she looked somehow lacking in the appropriate potential, so I thought I'd be ruthless and ditch the mystery guest and put you in instead as a dead cert."

"Dead cert for what?" asked Katy.

"Dead cert that you have glorious t.i.ts. Could never be sure with a mystery guest you see," replied Braindead.

Katy glanced over her shoulder at a contented looking Braindead slumped across the back of her car wearing his usual crumpled, just got out of bed look. She actually really liked the way Ben's mates only ever talked about stuff that really mattered in life which somehow seemed to make the stuff that really, really mattered, not matter quite so much.

"Well Braindead thank you so much for that little lesson on how not to treat your designated pregnant driver," said Ben. "Tell Katy you're very sorry and you promise to take her out of your top five, never think of her glorious t.i.ts again, and buy her copious amounts of J2O all night."

"Right, I see what you mean," agreed Braindead reluctantly. "Offending the driver not good. Sorry Katy. Your glorious t.i.ts are forever banished from my mind. But I am begging you please don't make me ask for that illuminous muck at a beer festival."

"Beer festival! What beer festival? I thought we were going to that pub in Otley?" exclaimed Katy.

"We are, we are," said Ben quickly. "When Braindead says beer festival he doesn't mean beer festival, he means they've just got this special week with a few guest ales that's all. Nothing major."

OTLEY BEER FESTIVAL was written on the huge banner across the main street as they drove into the small market town.

"Well I never," said Ben. "They put a few extra beers on and they think they're hosting a blinking Oktoberfest. Look Katy, I am really sorry, I honestly thought it would be really low key. We don't have to stay long. Something to tell the little-un eh? First beer festival at the age of minus four weeks."

"I suppose so, but you owe me big time," said Katy, pulling into the pub car park.

"You got it. Come on junior, let's go taste some ale," said Ben, addressing Katy's b.u.mp.

When Katy crossed the threshold into the pub however her heart thudded to the floor. It was heaving with sweaty, overweight, middle-aged men mumbling and gurning over warm beer. There was the odd woman. Odd woman being the operative phrase. All the females present had long shapeless hair, wore men's s.h.i.+rts and a determinedly grim look on their faces that said there was no way their husbands were having a night out with the lads without them, even if they didn't enjoy it themselves.

The most upsetting thing about the chosen hostelry however was that there was nowhere for her to sit down and give some relief to her swollen ankles. Ben saw the look of panic cross Katy's face and seized his chance to get them all a coveted seat in the packed public house.

"Lady with a baby. Lady with a baby coming through," he bellowed to Katy's absolute mortification. She could feel the heat rise to her cheeks immediately as the stares of the drinking ma.s.ses bore into her swollen belly.

"Would you mind if we took this table gentlemen," Ben asked two solid Yorks.h.i.+re men sitting in the perfect spot under a window. "My girlfriend is due any day now and her back is killing her."

"Of course, please, be our guest," they replied getting up hurriedly and scattering to the far side of the pub as if she might give birth there and then and they could get caught in the afterbirth.

"Katy, please take a seat," he said, very pleased with himself.

Katy sat down and leant back, banging her head against something. She looked around sharply only to come face to face with a beady eyed, stuffed Puffin staring at her from the windowsill.

"What is this place?" she asked staring around her and noticing for the first time that there was an entire collection of stuffed animals and birds lining the walls.

"Someone gave the landlord a six-foot stuffed iguana years ago and he's been collecting ever since. Cool eh?" said Rick.

"Mmmm maybe. Bit more of a minimalist myself," replied Katy, thinking longingly of the clean, crisp c.o.c.ktail bars she had frequented in her previous life.

"Naah, all that white and chrome everywhere, you could be drinking in a public toilet. Beer normally tastes like p.i.s.s too," chuckled Rick. Rick was undoubtedly the most image conscious of the three, indulging heavily in the type of branded clothing that was popular on the football stands; however he was still a northern lad at heart.

"We have to come here every so often to visit Braindead's bird," added Ben.

"He's got a girlfriend?" exclaimed Katy. "Where is she?" she asked, scanning the pub for suitable candidates.

"Right behind you," laughed Ben. "Meet Gloria. The Puffin. Braindead took a s.h.i.+ne to her years ago when she fell off the windowsill and landed head first right in his lap."

"And he sat there, looked down and said," continued Rick now struggling to speak he was laughing so much. "He said without even a pause, Katy, *Now that's my kind of bird.'"

Ben and Rick collapsed; enjoying the story for what was probably the hundredth time. Katy couldn't help but join in with their infectious laughter. It was these moments with Ben and his old school buddies that she loved. When the banter and the stories were flying around in the way it only ever does between true friends. It almost made up for the fact that the time when she would have sat and had conversations like that with her old friends had somehow gone.

"I've bought Gloria some crisps," announced Braindead arriving back with the drinks. "And for us, I thought we'd start with Black Gold all the way from Scotland. And for you my darling Katy, not one, but two J2O's to apologise again, for my previous poor behaviour."

"Thank you Braindead, you are forgiven," said Katy. "What flavour crisps did you get?" she asked, suddenly realising she was famished.

"Prawn c.o.c.ktail of course. Gloria only eats fish," replied Braindead.

"Of course," smiled Katy, grabbing one of the bags before Braindead could commandeer it for his feathered friend.

They all sipped and crunched for a moment in silence.

"Aye well," said Braindead eventually. "I guess that makes up for losing my mystery guest and replacement in my top five."

"So moving swiftly on," said Ben kicking Braindead under the table. "Our spectacular lack of organisation leaves us with just two weeks to get Rick's send-off sorted. So first things first a how many are coming Rick?"

"There's you two. Then I reckon four from work. Barry, Dave and Jacko from footie and Danny and Chris from college. So I make that twelve including me," stated Rick, counting them off on his fingers.

"Good, now home or away?" asked Ben.

"Well, I heard about this stripper boat in Prague you can hire for the afternoon. It's really efficient because you can get p.i.s.sed with your own private bar and do the stripper thing all before you go out at night. What do you reckon?" asked Rick, looking eagerly between Ben and Braindead.

"Boats make me a bit queasy," grumbled Braindead, clutching his stomach.

"I really think the combination of private bar and stripper should allow you to overcome any minor ailment," said Rick impatiently.

"I know, but what if the stripper came on and I was really sick, just as she's doing the whole baby lotion over the b.r.e.a.s.t.s thing whilst gyrating on my knee. It doesn't bear thinking about," said Braindead, shaking his head.

"Thanks Braindead. There is no way that I can now picture a stripper on a boat without her being covered in your puke," said Ben, leaning his elbows on the table and covering his eyes.