The Lost Chapters Of HITCHHIKER'S Guide To The Galaxy Part 6

"Are we going to save the Universe or draw up a law suit against the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation?" Asked Ford.

"Right, troops," said Zaphod. "Let's keep a tight formation, Arthur, cover our backs, Ford, watch for snipers. Okay, wagons roll!"

"Excuse me, Zaphod," said Ford, as Zaphod stuck his chest out in preparation for a non-existent swell from an orchestra. "Don't you think we should have a plan?"

"Aw, belgium man," cried Zaphod. "You ruined a great moment."

"It was hardly MGM," pointed out Arthur, none too happy about covering the back, as the last man always got jumped by the Indians.

"Okay, okay, guys," said Zaphod, putting his heads together. "Let's do some brainstorming."

"We'd be lucky if you could muster a light drizzle, Zaphod." Ford felt quite proud of that one.

"Shush," said Zaphod, closing his eyes in a poor attempt to look like he was concentrating. "Ideas, guys, ideas. Arthur?"

"Well if we have to disable the computer," he started, unsure as to whether he would be able to finish. "When we reach the computer, couldn't we just pull the plug?"

"Come on, Arthur," sighed Ford. "We're not dealing with a 13 amp three pin here."

"Well you asked," said Arthur.

"We all make mistakes," said Zaphod. "Ford?"

"We could plug Marvin into it," offered Ford. "Get him to do his version of 'Reasons to be Miserable'. That would destroy anything."

"Possible back up but not spectacular enough," mused Zaphod. "How does this sound? We enter the ventilation system and crawl through the pipes until we reach the computer suite. Then we swoop! We swing down on ropes, screaming in from the sun, well, fluorescent lighting, then pow! Boom! Bang! Swoos.h.!.+ Kerrang! Bas.h.!.+ Smas.h.!.+ Crunch! A couple more pows and one final boom! Guns ablazing, we destroy the databanks, scorch the CPU and terminate the terminals. Now that's what I call debugging! Strategists will re-enact it for eons to come. 'Zaphod Computer Killer Kits' will be available from all good stockists. Kids will walk around wearing tee s.h.i.+rts emblazoned with 'Now that's what I call debugging' and 'Zaphod say debug, don't do it'. I'll make a fortune."

"Where do we get the ropes?" Asked Arthur. "I don't see any here."

"And if we did have them, where do we tie them to when we swoop?" Furthered Ford. "Do we say 'Excuse me, computer suite guards, could you just look the other way for five minutes while we tie our ropes up so we can do a surprise swooping attack?' Very plausible."

"Boom, pow, no mercy, death to the diodes, murder those microchips...." Zaphod paused, stopped swiping his fist into the palm of one of his other hands, looked at Ford and Arthur then dropped his heads. He lowered his voice to it's most disappointed level. "Okay, we'll use Marvin. Where is he?"

CHAPTER 54.

Marvin was wandering. Not a happy, joyful stroll, more a sort of morose meander. Nevertheless, he had a purpose. On the basis of the information he had gained from his limited conversation with Zaphod, Ford and Arthur, he decided to do an improbability sum. He knew where they had been due to a particle a.n.a.lysis test he ran on meeting them again to pa.s.s the time. He knew where he was, because he was that sort of robot. He linked his mind modem into Eddie on the Heart of Gold to a.s.sess the s.h.i.+p's speed, weight, improbability velocity, relative journey time in nanoseconds, molecular reabsorbtion during flight and the general mood the s.h.i.+p was in during the trip to Sirius. To this he added his knowledge of improbability physics, the s.p.a.ce vector correlation, wind factors, quasi-social and semi-structural effects data from previous flights and the general mood he was in. To this he subtracted 42, divided the remainder by the square root of -l and related his answer to the floor layout of the initiative test. He knew that the total opposite of calculated position was where he wanted to go.

The room to which Marvin was heading was locked from the outside, much to the annoyance of it's occupants. They had tried everything they could think of with the candle, box of matches and blank piece of paper they had been left. Lighting the candle with the matches only lit the candle and trying to push the key out with the matches to catch on the piece of paper pushed under the door had no effect. The key was a dud anyway. Trying to burn the door down showed desperation and was doomed from the start but supplied some excuse to vent anger. The same applied to trying to kick down the door.

"There must be a logical solution," said Fenchurch.

"Why?" Asked Bolo. "There's no logical explanation as to why we ended up here, is there?"

"Well it's all very improbable," sighed Trillian. "So I imagine the men had something to do with it as they were using the Heart of Gold tonight."

"Why don't we try burning the matches and writing a note on the paper with the burnt sticks, slip it under the door and perhaps someone will see it," said Fenchurch.

"It's worth a try," said Trillian.

"No it's not," said Marvin as the door slid open to a jovial 'happy service'.

"Marvin!" Cried Trillian. She flung her arms around him. "Are we glad to see you."

"No you're not," sulked Marvin.

"We are," said Fenchurch. "We thought we'd be stuck here for days."

"How did you open the door?" Asked Trillian.

"Simple," said Marvin. "I said 'Macaroni'."

"Is that logical?" Asked Fenchurch.

"Look," started Marvin, making it perfectly clear he didn't want to. "If you had held the paper over the candle lit by the matches, then the word 'Macaroni' would have appeared."

"I take it this is the Marvin you told me about," said Bolo.

"Well it sounds like him," said Trillian. "Marvin, I thought you were, er....."

"Yes, so did I," moaned Marvin. "Come on, we've got work to do."

CHAPTER 55.

Zaphod, Ford and Arthur were in a long hallway with a door at the end and one either side of them. Their search for Marvin had been fruitless.

"Where on Betelgeuse is that robot?" Asked Ford.

"Perhaps he's behind one of these doors," said Arthur in his best 'I'll offer a solution but someone else can follow it up type voice.

"Only one way to find out," said Zaphod as he raised his Neutron-Breaking Desolation Ray Gun. A roar reminiscent of a Disaster Area power chord overwhelmed Ford's cries of disagreement. The door at the end of the corridor wasn't any longer. However, making quite an impressive replacement for it was a Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast of Traal. Zaphod and Arthur felt considerably more threatened by that than they did by the door. Zaphod disappeared through the door to Ford's right, Arthur through the door on Ford's left.

"Don't run," yelled Ford to two slammed doors. He quickly threw his towel over his head, having read many years ago in the Guide that the Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast of Traal is so stupid, it a.s.sumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you. The beast brushed past Ford disappointed at losing its prey so quickly. Ford thanked his lucky stars and galaxies that for once the Guide wasn't hypocriful or wildly misleading.

Arthur found himself in a long thin corridor. Above him were four huge green girders and above these was an ominous void. Arthur held his gun firmly in his hand, or as firmly as his sweaty palms would allow. He looked up between two of the girders and to his horror saw rows of coloured creatures forming above him. In panic he took a pot shot at them and to his surprise he hit one. The creature disappeared, but there was another right on top of the recently created s.p.a.ce. Arthur's pot shot obviously angered the creatures because they all started scuttling to the right in unison and firing back. Arthur dived under a girder. Drawing a deep breath, he leapt between two girders and fired furiously at the creatures, watching for the counter fire. The creatures kept changing their direction and dropping closer to the girders. Arthur was so overjoyed at clearing a column, he didn't notice the lightening bolt until it was too late. He was sent flying. As soon as he scrambled to his feet, the creatures started firing again. Arthur noticed the bolts were eating into his protective girders and the creatures were getting lower. He decided to give up on the pa.s.sing s.p.a.ce s.h.i.+ps. He had hit one by mistake and all that happened was that the number 200 appeared in the void. Arthur didn't have the time to ponder the significance of this. He just kept on firing.

Zaphod, meanwhile, found himself in a zoo. At least that's what he thought it was. He was standing by a gla.s.s cage looking at four curious animals. They looked like mutated octopi, with short stubby tentacles that they used to move around on.

Zaphod looked around. "No other animals," he thought. "Shoddy zoo really." The rest of the area looked like a maze but an easy one because he could see no dead ends. There was a weird underfloor lighting system that had lights about every two feet.

"Definitely a zonko designer. And this awful music." Zaphod obviously touched someone's nerve, for the cage door sprang open and the animals streamed out after him. His legs reacted faster than his brain, having predicted the usual message.

Zaphod was right about the zonko designer. The underfloor lighting seemed to 'short' each time one of Zaphod's feet pounded nearby. He could only see two exits and headed for the nearest one, only to find that the entrance to one was the exit to the other. This was geometrically impossible as they were opposite to each other, but Zaphod didn't have time to let this concern him. The animals were closing in on him like market researchers in the high street.

Zaphod turned left at a T-junction by a wall only to find himself in a corner, with two animals coming at him from each direction. By the time he got his Heat-Seeking Davy Knife out, he was leapt upon by the animals, which proceeded to kick the proverbial out of him with their stubby tentacles until he pa.s.sed out.

When he came around, he was outside the cage. He stood up and rattled the animal's cage, which was enough for them to escape again. Zaphod's legs went into automatic.

Arthur was doing reasonably well. He had been hit again but gamely got up and had reduced the creatures down in numbers to two. These two had doubled their speed and were now skimming across the tops of the girders.

Arthur stood under what was left of one girder and waited. As they pa.s.sed he leapt out, blasted one and leapt back before the other one could fire back. Arthur now stood in the open. One on one seemed a lot fairer. He raised his gun slowly and pointed upwards. The creature zoomed above as Arthur's first shot disappeared into the void. The second shot didn't miss. The door at the end of the corridor swung open and light flooded in. Arthur blew away the imaginary smoke from the top of the gun and walked into the light.

Zaphod was doing a bit better. He had found some brighter lights that turned the animals blue with fear when he ran over them. He could squash the animals when they were blue, and took great pleasure in doing so. This in turn made him a bit c.o.c.ky, he stood still and teased the animals, running over a bright light just when they thought they had him. Pretty soon he had darkened the majority of the area and had even squashed some fruit some idiot had left in his path. He had one light to go and stood by it proudly as the animals homed in on him once more.

"Sorry, suckers," he gloated as he stomped on the light. The animals disappeared, as did the cage and the inner walls. All that was left was an open door.

Ford walked through the doorway that once contained a very ambitious door. This door had designs on becoming an MD's door and had even made a few tentative enquiries about oak panelling. However, a trigger-happy Zaphod had put paid to these aspirations and subjected the door to a lifetime career as sawdust, some of which stuck to Ford's feet as he scattered the nest of the Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast of Traal with a couple of hearty kicks. Although there was little logic to this as the stupid creature wouldn't be able to find it's way back, acting like a vandal paid off because a trap door was revealed. Ford opened the trap door and looked at the drop of about three metres. It was fairly dark but as there were no other visible exits, Ford threw down his towel to cus.h.i.+on the fall and jumped down.

He felt his way around the wall until he found a light switch.

As he threw the switch, a holographic recording of an old, grey-haired acquaintance started in the middle of the room.

"h.e.l.lo, prospective employee, I hope you're enjoying this initiative test," said the recording. "As you can see, you cannot return through the trap door because it is out of reach. However, you will be able to pa.s.s through the locked door behind you once you have said the pa.s.sword."

"Slartibartfast, what are you doing here?" Asked Ford.

"That's not the pa.s.sword," said Slartibartfast. The image flickered. "We were asked to build this planet and as I designed this section, and as I had experience at this sort of thing, I was asked to do some recording."

"How come you can answer me?" Asked Ford, puzzled.

"That's not the pa.s.sword." The image flickered again.

"Interactive holography. Many, many answers have been recorded and a computer selects an appropriate answer to any questions asked."

"That must have taken ages," said Ford, shaking his head.

"That's not the pa.s.sword." Flicker. "Weeks and weeks, but the repeat fees are very good."

"I suppose I ought to work out this pa.s.sword," sighed Ford.

"Let me pa.s.s?"

"That's not the pa.s.sword."

Arthur was in a large cavernous hall. It looked rather blocky and bland. Some of the blocks moved and fired at Arthur. He hid behind a column and looked around for anything useful. A pair of spectacles was hanging on the pillar. He picked them up and inspected them. They looked ordinary enough apart for some etching on the side. He looked closely and could just make out the inscription 3DFX. He put them on and the blocky hall smoothed out beautifully. The bland walls changed to realistically textured walls and the moving blocks became detailed Marvin lookalikes. Arthur was so stunned by the detail that he almost took a hit.

"h.e.l.lo, we are so delighted to meet you."

"What?" Yelled Arthur.

"It is our pleasure to serve you."

"You were trying to kill me!"

"Well, yes, but it would have been our pleasure to serve you prior to death."

"Do you have to kill me, serving me with pleasure sounds much better."

"That's the rub. We are programmed to serve with a happy disposition and cheery nature. However, the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation miscalculated the demand and have had to stockpile us. We have been asked to fill in here at the induction testing. Not really our forte. Service robots are not great killers. We at least like things to be fair. Three against one is hardly sporting, is it?"

"I may be able to help there," said Arthur.

"Rumplestiltskin," said Ford.

"That's not the pa.s.sword."

"Magrathea rules okay."

"That's not the pa.s.sword."

"Slartibartfast rules okay."

"That's not the pa.s.sword."

"Oh, why don't you get back to your Fjords, you senile old fool and open this door for me," yelled Ford.

"That's the pa.s.sword." And with that the hologram disappeared and the door opened.

Zaphod was walking along a corridor, poised and ready to run at the slightest sign of danger. There were doors leading off both sides of the corridor but Zaphod wasn't trying any. He had his gun held high, pointing towards the ceiling. This looked very impressive and that's what Zaphod wanted, even though he didn't have anything to back it up with.

Suddenly a door opened to his right. His body reacted immediately and he pa.s.sed out. Ford walked through the doorway and shook his head.

"So you will get the other two and bring them back here?"

"No problem, you just wait here and I will be back as soon as I can. How do I get out of here?"

"Down that slide over there. You will be back soon, won't you?"

"Oh yes," lied Arthur. "As soon as I find the others."

Arthur slipped into the slide, careered down a dark, winding tunnel and through a panel to land at the feed of Ford and Zaphod, who pa.s.sed out again.

CHAPTER 56.