Bardisms Part 2

Little is known about these brothers and sisters of the great man. Like the first Joan and her sister Margaret, Anne also died young, not in infancy but at age eight. Gilbert spent a few of his early adult years in London but returned to his native Stratford and became a successful businessman there. The only evidence of Richard is a record of his funeral, at age thirty-nine, in a Stratford parish register. The second Joan is remembered primarily because both her son and grandson achieved some fame as actors in London, in her brother William's plays. (Joan's grandson, Charles Hart, was the great Falstaff of the Restoration period.) Only in the case of Edmund, the youngest Shakespeare sibling, sixteen years William's junior, does enough evidence survive to allow us to speculate about what kind of brother the Bard might have been. Like Joan's descendants, Edmund also built a reputation as an actor in London, and also, like them, in William's plays. His nascent career was cut short by an outbreak of the plague in 1607, when he was twenty-seven, and it's from reports of his funeral that we can glean how William felt about him.

Held at St. Saviour's, Southwark, the parish church of the Globe Theatre, Edmund's funeral was a tremendously lavish affair. Unusually, it was conducted in the morning, most likely so that Edmund's fellow actors could pay their respects before having to go to work in the playhouses that afternoon. The church's largest bell tolled for him, also unusually, since smaller church bells customarily knelled deaths. Apparently the large bell rang out so loud and for so long that it was heard throughout the City of London, on the opposite side of the Thames. Edmund was interred in the church itself rather than outside in the churchyard, an honor that increased the cost of the funeral more than fivefold. A journeyman actor would not normally be memorialized by such a series of elaborate tributes, so the only explanation that makes sense of all the extravagant circ.u.mstances of Edmund's burial is the fact of his last name. Because in 1607 William Shakespeare was at the height of his fame, power, and wealth, it seems reasonable to suppose that he arranged and paid for his brother's funeral. And if this is so, then the lengths to which he went to honor his young sibling suggest that he was a man to whom brotherly love was a very meaningful concept.

Once again we must ask if this smidgen of biographical evidence can shed some light on the fraternal relations.h.i.+ps in Shakespeare's works. And once again we must answer yes if we believe that aspects of a writer's fictional creations somehow project his own unconscious into the world, but no if we regard him as a working professional cranking out product, his literary imagination completely compartmentalized from his private emotional life. Judge for yourself: below are some of Shakespeare's writings on the subject of brothers and sisters, and, whether or not they reflect his own feelings, they certainly describe the bond between siblings as one that's powerful, and, for the most part, positive.

SISTERS ARE CLOSE PALS One way Shakespeare employs the sibling relations.h.i.+p in his plays is by using it to describe close friends.h.i.+ps. If an army is compared to a band of brothers band of brothers, for example, then we infer that it comprises a group of men who share a deep affection and mutual regard for one another. We also learn the converse: that brothers are as tight as any besieged comrades in arms. The metaphor of brotherhood describes the army, and the army expands the resonance of the metaphor of brotherhood.

The female equivalent is a description of what is arguably the closest friends.h.i.+p between girls in the plays. In As You Like It As You Like It the courtier LeBeau tells Orlando that the cousins Rosalind and Celia are a pair "whose loves / Are dearer than the natural bond of sisters." Like the metaphorical connection between soldiers and brothers, this image tells us something about two friends, and also something about the sororal bond: that it must be very deep if it's as deep as this friends.h.i.+p, whose special closeness Celia details in this superb Bardism, Shakespeare for Sisters: the courtier LeBeau tells Orlando that the cousins Rosalind and Celia are a pair "whose loves / Are dearer than the natural bond of sisters." Like the metaphorical connection between soldiers and brothers, this image tells us something about two friends, and also something about the sororal bond: that it must be very deep if it's as deep as this friends.h.i.+p, whose special closeness Celia details in this superb Bardism, Shakespeare for Sisters: We still have slept together,Rose at an instant, learned, played, eat together,And wheresoe'er we went, like Juno's swansStill we went coupled and inseparable.-CELIA, As You Like It As You Like It, 1.3.6770 In other words: We've always slept together, and awakened at the same moment. We've studied, had fun, and eaten together. And wherever we went, we were joined at the hip, like the swans that draw the chariot of Juno, queen of the G.o.ds.*

How to use it: Because to Celia and Rosalind friends.h.i.+p is sisterhood, and sisterhood is friends.h.i.+p, this speech can be used to describe a relations.h.i.+p of either type. A simple introduction-"My relations.h.i.+p with Ashleigh is as close as a beautiful one in a Shakespeare play called Because to Celia and Rosalind friends.h.i.+p is sisterhood, and sisterhood is friends.h.i.+p, this speech can be used to describe a relations.h.i.+p of either type. A simple introduction-"My relations.h.i.+p with Ashleigh is as close as a beautiful one in a Shakespeare play called As You Like It As You Like It"-is all the setup you'll require. LeBeau's line can also be pressed into service to describe your favorite sisterly bond. Just start the line with their their instead of instead of whose whose.Eat at the end of line 2 is p.r.o.nounced at the end of line 2 is p.r.o.nounced et et (rhymes with (rhymes with bet bet), because it's the past tense of the verb to eat. to eat. Modern Americans would say Modern Americans would say ate ate, or because of the helper verb have have in this sentence, in this sentence, eaten eaten. But et et (spelled, confusingly, (spelled, confusingly, eat eat) is still in wide use in England, as anyone acquainted with a Britisher will know: "Oy, mate, would you like to 'ave some dinner?" "Cheers, no. I already et et."

BROTHERS ARE CLOSE PALS Two Bardisms from two very different plays articulate Shakespeare's understanding of brotherly affection. They capture that sense that brothers are intimate teammates, agents for the same secret organization, and co-conspirators on a mission only they are privy to and which can be achieved only through their joint efforts.

From this hourThe heart of brothers govern in our lovesAnd sway our great designs.-ANTONY, Antony and Cleopatra Antony and Cleopatra, 2.2.15456We came into the world like brother and brother,And now let's go hand in hand, not one before another.-DROMIO OF E EPHESUS, The Comedy of Errors The Comedy of Errors, 5.1.42627 How to use them: Both of these speeches can be used to wish auspiciousness to your brothers, or closest friends, as they embark on any undertaking that you feel must be characterized by a mutual respect and love in order to succeed. The opening of a business or the start of a vacation are two occasions that come to mind. The lines can also help patch up a falling-out between brothers or close friends. Dromio's speech in particular is a heartwarming expression of fraternal equality and warmth. Both of these speeches can be used to wish auspiciousness to your brothers, or closest friends, as they embark on any undertaking that you feel must be characterized by a mutual respect and love in order to succeed. The opening of a business or the start of a vacation are two occasions that come to mind. The lines can also help patch up a falling-out between brothers or close friends. Dromio's speech in particular is a heartwarming expression of fraternal equality and warmth. Dromio is one-half of a set of identical twins, so his first line is a literal reference to the moment of his and his brother's simultaneous birth. Dromio is one-half of a set of identical twins, so his first line is a literal reference to the moment of his and his brother's simultaneous birth. Antony is reaching out in friends.h.i.+p toward his rival, Octavius Caesar. His speech is a bit more comprehensible if you imagine a comma at the end of its first line, and the word Antony is reaching out in friends.h.i.+p toward his rival, Octavius Caesar. His speech is a bit more comprehensible if you imagine a comma at the end of its first line, and the word may may at the start of its second: "From this hour, at the start of its second: "From this hour, may may the heart of brothers..." That is, Antony is expressing his hope that brotherly hearts-hearts that are loving and intimately bound together-will influence, or the heart of brothers..." That is, Antony is expressing his hope that brotherly hearts-hearts that are loving and intimately bound together-will influence, or sway sway, the feelings between himself and Caesar, and will help them achieve great things together. In both Bardisms, replace In both Bardisms, replace brothers brothers and and brother brother with with sisters sisters and and sister sister to get the all-girl versions. to get the all-girl versions.

CHAPTER 2

Then the Schoolboy

SHAKESPEARE FOR THE OCCASIONS OF CHILDHOOD And then the whining schoolboy, with his satchel, And s.h.i.+ning morning face, creeping like snail Unwillingly to school.

A few years have pa.s.sed and the infant has grown up a bit. His mewling has modulated into less cacophonous but still hardly agreeable whining. His face is now puke-free, freshly scrubbed at the start of each day, and so clean that it s.h.i.+nes. No longer in his nurse's arms-and you can bet she's relieved and catching her breath-he's on his own for at least that part of the day it takes him to walk to his destination. It's his daily project to see just how protracted he can make the journey, because what awaits him when he arrives is a bastion of heinousness as forbidding as any torture chamber ever devised in the annals of depravity and tyranny: school school!

We can all remember taking that long, unwilling walk in the morning, and that's why Jaques' Second Age of Man always summons a smile of recognition. Yet every time I read these lines, even as memories cascade of my own slow, satchel-laden 8:00 a.m. stroll down Hopper Avenue toward Roosevelt Elementary, I'm fascinated that this is the image Shakespeare would choose as the defining emblem of childhood. What about all the fun of those years, the horsing around with friends and siblings, the play and laughter with parents, the thrill of discovery of countless new sights, sounds, sensations, and concepts? Shakespeare overlooks all that-call it the Highlights Highlights magazine stuff-and focuses instead on an image of complaint, misery, and reluctance. The Second Age of Man is the Age of Goofus, not Gallant. magazine stuff-and focuses instead on an image of complaint, misery, and reluctance. The Second Age of Man is the Age of Goofus, not Gallant.

And so a pattern begins to emerge. The baby pukes and screams, the boy whines and creeps. Next, the lover will write idiotic poetry and sigh himself into hyperventilation, then the soldier intemperately will risk life and limb for something as ephemeral as honor, and the Justice will bore everyone silly with his pontifications and p.r.o.nunciamentos, and on, and on. Life for Jaques, it seems, hasn't much to do with fun or discovery or even growth or progress. No, life for Jaques-for Shakespeare, for this moment in his writing, anyway-is a series of misadventures, pomposities, and follies. Each misstep is a station on a one-way trip to oblivion, toothlessness, blandness, and blindness.

But Shakespeare isn't Schopenhauer. The Bard isn't Beckett. Shakespeare-well, Jaques; well, both-finds a way to discuss despair with a rather beguiling humor. Jaques' images are unmistakably sharp-edged, but they're presented with a twinkle in the eye, coated in candy. That's the familiar Shakespearean manner. Confront terrible truths, say the hard things, but dip them in sprinkles to make it all go down smoother. The legendary impresario Joseph Papp once described Shakespeare to me as very like an Irish coffee. It's dark, bitter, strong, and spiked with a splash of spirit that gives it a kick, but before you get to any of that, you must first drink your way through a layer of sweet cream. The cream in Shakespeare's Irish coffee is his magical way with words, his transformation via language of something that unsettles into something that entices, charms, and wins. I love Papp's simile because it reminds me that even at his bleakest, Shakespeare remembers beauty, and even at his most scathing, he remembers to laugh.

The whining schoolboy is a perfect ill.u.s.tration of Shakespeare's habit of mixing light and dark. The magnetic force that repels boys from school appears elsewhere in the canon, as when Romeo recalls, "Love goes toward love as schoolboys from their books, / But love from love, toward school with heavy looks," or when Lord Hastings, having dismissed the soldiers he'd planned to deploy in battle against King Henry IV, observes the speed with which they flee the field in all directions and says that, "like a school broke up, / Each hurries toward his home." While these are vivid images delivered by two gifted speakers, neither evinces the detailed texture and rhetorical dazzle of the just-washed schoolboy of Jaques' fancy. Note, for example, how the chipper phrase schoolboy with his satchel schoolboy with his satchel introduces alliterative introduces alliterative s s sounds that continue into sounds that continue into face face, snail snail, and school school. Listen to the slight condescension jingling beneath the s.h.i.+ning morning face s.h.i.+ning morning face, and notice how much information it compresses into three words: They conjure an entire scene of a little boy squirming under washcloth, Ivory soap, and Brylcreem when he'd rather stay in his bedroom fortress playing with his toys and frogs and imaginary pals.

The image is as euphonious as it is artful: it turns the noun morning morning into an adjective modifying into an adjective modifying face face, whose -ing -ing resonates nicely alongside the participial adjective resonates nicely alongside the participial adjective s.h.i.+ning s.h.i.+ning even as it carries that suffix forward from the earlier even as it carries that suffix forward from the earlier puking puking and and mewling mewling into the later into the later creeping creeping and and unwillingly unwillingly. Look at how the placement of unwillingly unwillingly at the beginning of a new verse line gives special prominence to the adverb, by kicking off the line with the unexpectedly accented syllable at the beginning of a new verse line gives special prominence to the adverb, by kicking off the line with the unexpectedly accented syllable un un, and then by throttling back the boy's walk to sub-snail speed: he's not only creeping, he's creeping unwillingly unwillingly. And marvel at how effective school school is when it appears at the very end of these lines, as opposed to its earlier placement in Romeo's and Hastings' iterations of the image. As the word thuds out, the stabbing is when it appears at the very end of these lines, as opposed to its earlier placement in Romeo's and Hastings' iterations of the image. As the word thuds out, the stabbing sk sk sound that starts it scotches any lingering hope we might have had that the s.h.i.+ne on the boy's face was one of happiness. We understand that his arrival at homeroom, long in coming, will be but the beginning of a drudgingly long day of ruler-on-the-knuckles misery and repet.i.tive times-table tedium. sound that starts it scotches any lingering hope we might have had that the s.h.i.+ne on the boy's face was one of happiness. We understand that his arrival at homeroom, long in coming, will be but the beginning of a drudgingly long day of ruler-on-the-knuckles misery and repet.i.tive times-table tedium.

But even though to Jaques, the only way to get an education is to endure the awfulness of Miss Baxter's corporal punishment and droning lectures on verb conjugation, Shakespeare acknowledges elsewhere in the canon that there are other pedagogical methods. He knows that snail-slow walks to school are one kind of childhood fresh-air activity, but he's happy to explore and dramatize many others. One speech in As You Like It As You Like It may record the Second Age of Man as a time of misery, but plenty of pa.s.sages in the remaining three dozen Shakespeare plays show childhood's manifold brighter aspects. may record the Second Age of Man as a time of misery, but plenty of pa.s.sages in the remaining three dozen Shakespeare plays show childhood's manifold brighter aspects.

Below, then, Bardisms on all the Occasions of the Schoolboy's Life: fun and dull, for kids willing and not, to creep and also to race toward.

SHAKESPEARE ON CHILDREN 'Tis not good that children should know any wickedness.

-MISTRESS Q QUICKLY, The Merry Wives of Windsor The Merry Wives of Windsor, 2.2.115 Children appear onstage in many Shakespeare plays. In the comedies, their dramatic function is usually to serve as earnest foils for some pompous windbag who needs to be taken down a notch. Falstaff's page is the prime example. In the tragedies and histories, they are used as symbols of virtuous innocence whose ruination by some tyrannical megalomaniac is the turning point in that character's fortunes. The many murders committed by Macbeth and Richard III, for instance, don't seem truly inexcusable until children are their victims; the former's ma.s.sacre of the Macduff brood and the latter's execution of the two little princes at the tower are the events that carry each man across the Rubicon from criminal into evil despot. In the late plays, children are seen as icons of redemption, salvation, and the possibility that the future might just find a way to avoid the mistakes of the past. Perdita in The Winter's Tale The Winter's Tale and the baby Elizabeth born at the end of and the baby Elizabeth born at the end of Henry VIII Henry VIII are examples of this dramatic function. are examples of this dramatic function.

Whatever its dramaturgical purpose, Shakespeare composed material for and about children that displays all the insight, sensitivity, and eloquence we are accustomed to seeing from him on every subject under the sun.

THAT'S A WELL-BEHAVED KID Falstaff's relations.h.i.+p with his wiseacre boy companion is one of endless sniping-W. C. Fields' "Get away from me kid, ya bother me!" routine is widely thought to be patterned after the fat knight, a role Fields longed to essay but, alas, never did. Yet despite his rancor, we know that deep down Sir John loves the kid. He's not Shakespeare's only old man to have in his heart a soft spot for a tyke. In the opening scene of The Winter's Tale The Winter's Tale, a sage courtier speaks sweetly of Prince Mamillius, King Leontes' little boy.

It is a gallant child; one that, indeed, physics the subject, makes old hearts fresh. They that went on crutches ere he was born desire yet their life to see him a man.-CAMILLO, The Winter's Tale The Winter's Tale, 1.1.3235 In other words: He's an outstanding boy. He's like good medicine for all the citizens of the country. He makes old people feel young. Folks who were at death's door before he was born hope to live a bit longer just so that they can see what he'll be like when he grows up.

How to use it: This is a perfect bit of Shakespeare for a speech from Uncle Joe on confirmation day or Grandpa Moe on Bar Mitzvah morning. It could also serve as general compliment from anyone for any fine young man of whom they're proud. This is a perfect bit of Shakespeare for a speech from Uncle Joe on confirmation day or Grandpa Moe on Bar Mitzvah morning. It could also serve as general compliment from anyone for any fine young man of whom they're proud. Simply subst.i.tuting the female gender in the second sentence- Simply subst.i.tuting the female gender in the second sentence-she and and woman woman instead of instead of he he and and man man-will suit this comment to any wonderful young lady of your acquaintance. Emphasizing two ant.i.theses will help clarify this excerpt when it's spoken aloud: Emphasizing two ant.i.theses will help clarify this excerpt when it's spoken aloud: old old versus versus fresh fresh; and ere he was born ere he was born versus versus see him a man see him a man. The verbs The verbs is is, physics physics, and makes makes in the first sentence do much to communicate the rather complex sense of the thought. in the first sentence do much to communicate the rather complex sense of the thought.

THAT KID'S GOT BEHAVIOR ISSUES In the event that your ten-year-old isn't quite as inspiring as young Mamillius, don't worry, Shakespeare's got you covered, too. Grandma's priceless vase in smithereens at the foot of the mantel? Crayon on the living room wall? Play-Doh in your underwear drawer? Try this Bardism: Out, you mad-headed ape!A weasel hath not such a deal of spleenAs you are tossed with.-LADY P PERCY, Henry IV, Part I Henry IV, Part I, 2.3.6971 Some details: In context, Lady Percy is talking not to a wild toddler but to her husband, Hotspur, who's characteristically acting like one. Her speech is a lot of fun, filled as it is with vivid and unexpected language. The distance between it and a simple paraphrase of what it says shows just how colorful and energetic Shakespeare's English can be.

The basic sense is: "Enough, you crazy monkey! You're more ornery than a weasel." These ten words may communicate the same ideas as Shakespeare's eighteen, but they're nowhere near as terrific. Just consider how much texture and nuance Lady Percy manages to convey with her version of my dry prose. Out Out is an interjection similar in meaning to "fie." That is, she's not literally telling Hotspur to leave the room, but she is chastising him (compare the use of the contemporary phrase "Get outta here!" to mean "Stop that!"). is an interjection similar in meaning to "fie." That is, she's not literally telling Hotspur to leave the room, but she is chastising him (compare the use of the contemporary phrase "Get outta here!" to mean "Stop that!"). Spleen Spleen means anger or willfulness, because that organ was believed to be the seat of those emotions, an idea that survives in the adjective "splenetic," which describes someone irritable or hotheaded. The verb means anger or willfulness, because that organ was believed to be the seat of those emotions, an idea that survives in the adjective "splenetic," which describes someone irritable or hotheaded. The verb tossed tossed in this context means disturbed or, possibly, shaken. in this context means disturbed or, possibly, shaken. Weasels Weasels in Shakespeare are always splenetic troublemakers, who weasel their way into places they don't belong, often birds' nests, and-pop!-unleash all sorts of mayhem, usually by sucking the yolks out of eggs sitting there innocent and vulnerable. ("I can suck melancholy from a song," says Jaques rather deliciously in in Shakespeare are always splenetic troublemakers, who weasel their way into places they don't belong, often birds' nests, and-pop!-unleash all sorts of mayhem, usually by sucking the yolks out of eggs sitting there innocent and vulnerable. ("I can suck melancholy from a song," says Jaques rather deliciously in As You Like It As You Like It, "as a weasel sucks eggs.") Apes Apes, too, are for Shakespeare angry and frantic animals who generally do damage and cause chaos.

A side benefit of quoting these lines to your rampaging little one-and I've field-tested them with a wayward nephew-is that in addition to venting some of your own spleen, its surprise mentions of apes and weasels will stop the kid in his tracks. Alas, after a few seconds, if my test subject is predictive of the general course of things, he'll give you a quizzical look and go right back to tras.h.i.+ng the joint. But this Shakespeare on the Occasion of a Temper Tantrum will provide at least a momentary reprieve.

SHAKESPEARE ON SCHOOL 'Twere good he were schooled.

-PEDANT, The Taming of the Shrew The Taming of the Shrew, 4.4.9 A place we creep toward in the morning, run from in the afternoon, and hate being at for the hours in between hardly seems worth commenting on, let alone waxing poetic about, and indeed, Shakespeare doesn't say much about school itself beyond how loathsome it is. To be sure, he puts a couple of teachers in his plays and he even dramatizes a lesson or two, but these usually function as pretexts for some other dramatic action: a romantic hookup, say, or the relaying of a secret message...about a romantic hookup, say. School as civic inst.i.tution and education as a bedrock civic value just don't attract much attention in the plays.

Perhaps Shakespeare didn't feel it necessary to state what must have struck him as obvious about the value of schooling. After all, his own tremendous erudition proves that an education is a useful thing to have. Or, on the other hand, perhaps Shakespeare kept mum because he recognized something essentially disappointing about the inst.i.tutions of formal education, something we continue to wrestle with in our own society: inevitably, they fall short of the ideals we hold them to. The gap between the public good school is meant to confer and the rough-and-tumble reality of schooling as it's conducted in the day-today is enough to break the heart of even the most bright-eyed educational theorist, in our time as in the Renaissance.

The Bard's own life bears out a certain skepticism toward formal education. We know he did not attend university, yet much anecdotal evidence survives about Shakespeare the autodidact: he was an almost constant presence in the bookstores of London. It makes sense. Without what must have been nearly round-the-clock reading, he could have ama.s.sed neither the preternatural store of knowledge he displays in his works, nor his apparently exhaustive familiarity with the literature of his day and the centuries before. Clearly, he was an advocate of what we'd today call continuing education. He records his endors.e.m.e.nt of self-guided tutelage in The Taming of the Shrew The Taming of the Shrew, when Bianca tells two would-be tutors, I am no breeching scholar in the schools;I'll not be tied to hours nor 'pointed times,But learn my lessons as I please myself.

(File that Bardism under Shakespeare for the Occasion of Dropping Out of School!) Shakespeare's skepticism of formal education rarely gets more intense than Bianca's petulant dismissal, but when it does, it veers close to utter despair. There's no more d.a.m.ning indictment of learning than that delivered by Caliban in Act 1 of The Tempest The Tempest, arguably one of Shakespeare's most world-weary and fed-up of plays. A native on the island occupied by the exiled Milanese duke Prospero-who is, not incidentally, an obsessive reader-Caliban resists Prospero's efforts to "civilize" him through education. He denounces his overlord's patronizing att.i.tude in searing terms: You taught me language; and my profit on'tIs, I know how to curse. The red plague rid youFor learning me your language!

The only reason to learn language is so that you can curse. That's strong stuff. But even if Shakespeare meant it as he wrote it, he surely also knew that Caliban's sentences, with their alliterative r r's and l l's, sophisticated punning (red / / rid rid), and complex rhythmic structure, contradict the very thought they express. They show that while Shakespeare may not have liked school, he managed to find a way to abide schooling, or at least its results. It's a paradoxical stance that's typically Shakespearean.

STUDY WHAT YOU LOVE Here's a Bardism for that second-semester soph.o.m.ore who can't decide what major to declare.

Good master, while we do admireThis virtue and this moral discipline,Let's be no stoics nor no stocks, I pray,Or so devote to Aristotle's checksAs Ovid be an outcast quite abjured. 5Balk logic with acquaintance that you have,And practice rhetoric in your common talk.Music and poesy use to quicken you;The mathematics and the metaphysics,Fall to them as you find your stomach serves you. 10No profit grows where is no pleasure ta'en.In brief, sir, study what you most affect.-TRANIO, The Taming of the Shrew The Taming of the Shrew, 1.1.2940 In other words: Listen, boss. We all think highly of ethics and morality. But-please-let's not eliminate fun altogether, or turn ourselves into stuffed s.h.i.+rts. Let's not dedicate ourselves to a life of restraint and throw away pleasure altogether. (Let's not get all hung up with that stickler Aristotle about stuff like right and wrong, and throw Ovid's stories about people who get naked right out the window.) Work on your a.n.a.lytical skills by figuring out how to split the check. Use linguistic theory in your everyday chitchat. By all means listen to music and read poetry, but purely for your enjoyment. As for math and philosophy, get involved in that stuff only when you're really in the mood. You can't learn anything if you're miserable. Here's my point: as far as study goes, stick to the subjects you like.

How to say it: I wish I'd known this pa.s.sage when I overheard a college roommate on the phone with his parents, explaining to them why he'd decided to drop one of his required pre-med cla.s.ses in order to take African Drum Ensemble instead. "But Mom, Dad, I'm just following Shakespeare's advice!" I wish I'd known this pa.s.sage when I overheard a college roommate on the phone with his parents, explaining to them why he'd decided to drop one of his required pre-med cla.s.ses in order to take African Drum Ensemble instead. "But Mom, Dad, I'm just following Shakespeare's advice!" These lines of early-career Shakespeare flow easily and reveal their sense without requiring too much decoding. A few comments on the handful of terms that are a bit obscure should help get you past any b.u.mps: These lines of early-career Shakespeare flow easily and reveal their sense without requiring too much decoding. A few comments on the handful of terms that are a bit obscure should help get you past any b.u.mps: Stoics / / stocks stocks. This witty little ant.i.thesis puns on the ancient Stoic philosophy, a worldview that advocated austerity and repression, and welcomed suffering. Stocks Stocks are the awkward penal device that restrained a prisoner's legs between large blocks of wood. To compare a person to the stocks is to suggest that person is heavy, dull, and overly restrictive. are the awkward penal device that restrained a prisoner's legs between large blocks of wood. To compare a person to the stocks is to suggest that person is heavy, dull, and overly restrictive.

Aristotle is here lumped in with the Stoics because he argued that only the contemplative life was worth living, an a.s.sertion that earned him a reputation as an ascetic. His is here lumped in with the Stoics because he argued that only the contemplative life was worth living, an a.s.sertion that earned him a reputation as an ascetic. His checks checks are his principles of monk-like self-denial. are his principles of monk-like self-denial.

Ovid, apparently Shakespeare's favorite author, was renowned not only for the Metamorphoses Metamorphoses, his masterpiece about life, death, and transformation, but also for his erotic poetry, which was probably more widely read. His Ars Amatoria Ars Amatoria ( (The Art of Love) features a lot of nudity, by the way.

To balk logic balk logic is to banter about that subject; "trade quibbles" would be a decent paraphrase. is to banter about that subject; "trade quibbles" would be a decent paraphrase. Quicken Quicken means "enliven," and means "enliven," and stomach stomach here means "appet.i.te." here means "appet.i.te."

An important feature of this speech is the subtle way in which Tranio portrays all philosophy as a big, humorless drag. He manages to make Aristotle Aristotle and and Ovid Ovid into ant.i.thetical thinkers, the second a wild and crazy p.o.r.nographer, the first all heavy and dark. Your listener may not be aware of these aspects of these cla.s.sic authors' personas, so you must help them hear these qualities as you say the speech. into ant.i.thetical thinkers, the second a wild and crazy p.o.r.nographer, the first all heavy and dark. Your listener may not be aware of these aspects of these cla.s.sic authors' personas, so you must help them hear these qualities as you say the speech. Aristotle Aristotle is a pill, is a pill, Ovid Ovid a delight. a delight. Virtue Virtue and and moral philosophy moral philosophy, stoics stoics and and stocks stocks, are downers. On the other hand, acquaintance acquaintance, common talk common talk, quicken quicken, and stomach stomach are bright, attractive, warm, and fun. It's a question of how you color the words as you say them. If you are bright, attractive, warm, and fun. It's a question of how you color the words as you say them. If you think think "spry," "fun," and "gamesome" as you say "spry," "fun," and "gamesome" as you say quicken quicken, the word will come out of your mouth so inflected, and the argument you're making will roar to life.Good mistress rather than rather than good master good master aims the speech at a woman. aims the speech at a woman.

LET'S FURTHER THINK ON THIS...-CLAUDIUS, Hamlet Hamlet, 4.7.120Tranio's mentions of mathematics mathematics and and metaphysics metaphysics remind me of two great scholars in those fields who knew their Shakespeare. The prolific Isaac Asimov, writer of science fiction and interpreter to the layman of science's most arcane mysteries, was a devoted Bardophile. His giant remind me of two great scholars in those fields who knew their Shakespeare. The prolific Isaac Asimov, writer of science fiction and interpreter to the layman of science's most arcane mysteries, was a devoted Bardophile. His giant Asimov's Guide to Shakespeare, Asimov's Guide to Shakespeare, at fifteen hundred pages, almost as long as the collection of work it explicates, returns frequently to one aspect of Shakespeare that Asimov particularly admires: his intellect. Here's a description I love about the power of Shakespeare's brain to shape ours: at fifteen hundred pages, almost as long as the collection of work it explicates, returns frequently to one aspect of Shakespeare that Asimov particularly admires: his intellect. Here's a description I love about the power of Shakespeare's brain to shape ours: Shakespeare has said so many things so supremely well that we are forever finding ourselves thinking in his terms.

Another scientist, Thomas Edison, also found Shakespeare's mental prowess admirable. This is the light the Wizard of Menlo Park shed on the matter: Ah Shakespeare! He would have been an inventor, a wonderful inventor, if he had turned his mind to it. He seemed to see the inside of everything.

LIFE TEACHES THE MOST EFFECTIVE LESSONS The School of Hard Knocks is the one educational inst.i.tution in which Shakespeare believes without reservation. Those of his characters who are not SHK alumni teach there, or are otherwise on staff. The "h.e.l.l Gate" Porter from Macbeth Macbeth is the school's mascot ("Here's a knocking indeed!"); its fight song, "We must have knocks, ha! Must we not?" was written by King Richard III; and Regan from is the school's mascot ("Here's a knocking indeed!"); its fight song, "We must have knocks, ha! Must we not?" was written by King Richard III; and Regan from King Lear King Lear is headmistress. Here's her view of how life teaches some tough lessons: is headmistress. Here's her view of how life teaches some tough lessons: To willful men,The injuries that they themselves procureMust be their schoolmasters.-REGAN, King Lear King Lear, 2.4.29799 In other words: The only way stubborn people learn anything is from the bad situations they create for themselves.

How to use it: These are my standard words of wisdom for anyone who's painted himself into a corner. Use it to encourage some willful person you care about to learn from his or her mistakes. These are my standard words of wisdom for anyone who's painted himself into a corner. Use it to encourage some willful person you care about to learn from his or her mistakes.

Regan's advice may strike some as a tad harsh. If some occasion in your life calls out for a more sympathetic view of life's way of teaching lessons, try this Bardism from Antonio in Two Gents Two Gents.

Experience is by industry achieved,And perfected by the swift course of time.-ANTONIO, The Two Gentlemen of Verona The Two Gentlemen of Verona, 1.3.2223 In other words: It takes hard work to get good at anything, and the investment of a lot of time to get perfect at it.

How to use it: Produce these lines as an impressive subst.i.tute for "Practice makes perfect." When that same someone you know has once again painted himself into a corner, Shakespearize him with this gentle reminder that it takes work and time to become an a.s.sured painter. He'll appreciate it much more than Regan's observation that it's his own fault his life's so tough. Produce these lines as an impressive subst.i.tute for "Practice makes perfect." When that same someone you know has once again painted himself into a corner, Shakespearize him with this gentle reminder that it takes work and time to become an a.s.sured painter. He'll appreciate it much more than Regan's observation that it's his own fault his life's so tough.

Some details: Sometimes, in the name of fealty to Shakespeare's intentions, we are obliged to speak his lines in ways that sound crazy today. The Bardism from Two Gents Two Gents quoted here offer an example. quoted here offer an example.

According to Antonio, two things are true of experience: it's achieved achieved, and then it's perfected perfected. Modern English-speakers will p.r.o.nounce Antonio's second adjective with the accent on its second syllable: per-FECT-ed per-FECT-ed. But if you scan the line according to iambic pentameter, you'll find that that doesn't work and that the perfect p.r.o.nunciation is actually PER-fect-ed PER-fect-ed: and per fect ed by the swift course of time To be sure, choosing to read and work on Shakespeare in the first place requires a commitment to language that's four hundred years old and often odd-sounding as a result. If you're really interested in saying the words he wrote, sometimes you're going to have to say some strange stuff. But sometimes that strangeness can become a barrier between you and your listeners, and can prove confusing or, worse, downright off-putting. If you quote Antonio to your friend who's painted himself into a corner, and tell him that experience is "PER-fect-ed by the swift course of time," he'll look at you like you're dumber than he is. He'll understand your point much more clearly if you insist that experience is "per-FECT-ed." That rumbling you'll feel beneath your feet will be Shakespeare spinning in his grave, and any English teacher in the vicinity might well angrily splatter you with some of your pal's paint. But to insist on correctness at the expense of comprehensibility is a kind of arrogance. Shakespeare himself surely would mock it as misplaced pedantry. Better to violate the letter of his language in order to put across its spirit. Except in the case of flagrant violations, the Shakespeare SWAT team won't arrest you, and you might even win some new friends to the Bard's cause by helping him bridge a gap of four centuries and speak immediately and directly to our time.

SHAKESPEARE ON THE COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS Have more than thou showest, Speak less than thou knowest, Lend less than thou owest, Ride more than thou goest, Learn more than thou trowest, Set less than thou throwest.*

-FOOL, King Lear King Lear, 1.4.1016 The commencement address is the life occasion that shows in the Shakespeare quotation derby, losing to the wedding and the funeral, the win and place horses, by a nose. Commencement calls for wisdom, warmth, pith, and humor, delivered by eminences whose scars from the battles of life prove that they've earned the right to dispense advice about success, failure, and everything in between. The best of the graduation-day VIPs know that a good speech serves up its sagacity buffet-style, offering a wide menu of counsel that includes morsels helpful to the whole range of the a.s.sembled graduates. They understand that there's no better way to appeal to everyone than by reference to recognized authorities and canonical texts that lend their insights the imprimatur of the tried and true.

Recognized authority. Canonical text. Tried and true. Did someone say "Shakespeare"? A quick Lexis search confirms that lots of graduation speakers say his name indeed, and that Shakespeare looks pretty good in a cap and gown. Lexis further reveals that other frequently cited commencement-day doyens look positively haggard in comparison. Abraham Lincoln, Benjamin Franklin, Albert Einstein, Ronald Reagan, Mahatma Gandhi, the rabbis of the Talmud, Winston Churchill, Mark Twain, Bob Dylan, Yogi Berra, Warren Buffett, and, in at least one doc.u.mented case, Batman-these formidable thinkers may have some pointers for the average baccalaureate, but on those spring mornings when "Pomp and Circ.u.mstance" plays, they are but apprentices at the master's feet.

Two Bardisms are the standards on graduation day: the Fool's advice to Lear, above (stopping just before he counsels the old king not to drink too much and not to patronize prost.i.tutes-not because either piece of advice is bad, but because there may be more appropriate times than commencement to express them!), and the one below.

HERE'S SOME GOOD ADVICE Polonius' advice to his son, Laertes, is one of Shakespeare's most famous speeches. Its familiarity sometimes turns it into background noise and makes us take it for granted. But look at it closely and you'll find some quite sound recommendations from someone who's been around the block to someone just getting started on life's journey.

These few precepts in thy memorySee thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,Nor any unproportioned thought his act.Be thou familiar but by no means vulgar.Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, 5Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel,But do not dull thy palm with entertainmentOf each new-hatched unfledged comrade. BewareOf entrance to a quarrel, but being in,Bear't that th'opposed may beware of thee. 10Give every man thine ear but few thy voice.Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment.Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,But not expressed in fancy; rich not gaudy;For the apparel oft proclaims the man, 15And they in France of the best rank and stationAre of a most select and generous chief in that.Neither a borrower nor a lender be,For loan oft loses both itself and friend,And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. 20This above all-to thine own self be true,And it must follow, as the night the day,Thou canst not then be false to any man.-POLONIUS, Hamlet Hamlet, 1.3.5880 In other words: Make sure you carve this handful of principles into your mind. Don't say everything you're thinking, and never take any action before you've fully thought it through. Be friendly, but don't share intimacies with people you've only just met. The friends you already have, whose friends.h.i.+ps are tried and tested-hold on to them as tightly as you can. But don't get calluses from shaking hands with every Tom, d.i.c.k, or Harry who comes along. Try not to get into fights, but if you do, handle yourself in such a way that the other guy is scared of you. Listen to everyone, but don't talk to everyone. Hear every opinion, but decide things for yourself. Wear the most expensive clothes you can afford, but make sure they're not over the top. They should be elegant, not ostentatious, because your clothes tell people who you are. (The French upper cla.s.ses really get this, and understand how to display their rank through their fine garments.) Don't borrow money, and don't lend any. Loans go south and take friends.h.i.+ps with them, and relying on credit makes you spend too much. Here's the most important thing: be true to yourself. If you do that, then as sure as night follows day, there's no way you'll ever let anybody down.

How to say it: At twenty-four lines, this is a long and intimidating speech. A great way to tackle it is to break it down into smaller chunks, and then concentrate on communicating each one of these in detail, rather than feeling an obligation to put across the speech as a whole. You can arrange the speech's subunits (actors call them "beats") in a couple of ways. At twenty-four lines, this is a long and intimidating speech. A great way to tackle it is to break it down into smaller chunks, and then concentrate on communicating each one of these in detail, rather than feeling an obligation to put across the speech as a whole. You can arrange the speech's subunits (actors call them "beats") in a couple of ways.

By punctuation. Circle each period in the speech. Then, as you read through, force yourself to speak only one sentence at a time. Ten sentences will feel much easier to manage than twenty-five lines.

By concept. Polonius starts with an instruction to his son to remember what he says. Then he does a line and a half about thoughts, speech, and action. Next is a five-line section about how to handle friends.h.i.+p. Next are two short bits, the first about fighting and the second about opinions. Another five-line chunk discusses how best to dress, then three lines talk about money. Finally, Polonius spends three lines giving his most important piece of advice, about being true to yourself. The structure of the thoughts in the speech, then, might be outlined as follows: Advice for My Son- Intro- Thoughts / Speech / Action- Friends.h.i.+p (dwell on this)- Fighting- Opinions- Clothes (spend some time here; reference the French)- Money- True to self (most important of all!)Try making your way through the speech as though it were a bulleted list, and let its well-organized structure carry you from one thought to the next. Let ant.i.thesis help you as much as you can; it's everywhere in these lines. Let ant.i.thesis help you as much as you can; it's everywhere in these lines. Thoughts Thoughts versus versus tongue tongue; unproportioned thought unproportioned thought versus versus act act; familiar familiar versus versus vulgar vulgar; beware of entrance beware of entrance versus versus beware of thee beware of thee; every man every man versus versus few few; ear ear versus versus voice voice; take censure take censure versus versus reserve judgment reserve judgment; rich rich versus versus gaudy gaudy; apparel apparel versus versus man man; borrower borrower versus versus lender lender; loan loan versus versus borrowing borrowing; night night versus versus day day; thine own self thine own self versus versus any man any man; true true versus versus false false. Technically, line 2's Technically, line 2's character character is stressed on the second syllable: ka-RACK-ter. Try it, but don't worry if you'd rather let it slide. is stressed on the second syllable: ka-RACK-ter. Try it, but don't worry if you'd rather let it slide. Polonius is often played as a pompous windbag condescending to his son, who, in contemptuous response, spends the whole speech rolling his eyes with boredom and disgust. I don't buy it. First, Shakespeare puts this scene in the play in order to establish the bond of warmth and fondness between Laertes and his father that will help fuel Laertes' revenge when he discovers later that Polonius has been murdered. This dramatic function must fail if the two men make no connection here. Second, the speech's verbs hardly suggest that Polonius is distracted, distant, or careless about his son's welfare. Consider a list: Polonius is often played as a pompous windbag condescending to his son, who, in contemptuous response, spends the whole speech rolling his eyes with boredom and disgust. I don't buy it. First, Shakespeare puts this scene in the play in order to establish the bond of warmth and fondness between Laertes and his father that will help fuel Laertes' revenge when he discovers later that Polonius has been murdered. This dramatic function must fail if the two men make no connection here. Second, the speech's verbs hardly suggest that Polonius is distracted, distant, or careless about his son's welfare. Consider a list: character, give, be, grapple, dull, beware, bear, give, take, reserve, buy, proclaims, be, loses, dulls, be, follow, be character, give, be, grapple, dull, beware, bear, give, take, reserve, buy, proclaims, be, loses, dulls, be, follow, be. There's real vitality here. This isn't some bloviating dad wheeling out a bunch of tired old saws; this is an engaged parent doing everything he can to help his child make the most out of life. Take Polonius seriously, and as you say his words, or write them, or write about them, give yourself the chance to hear and appreciate them even as you generously and with thoughtfulness propose them to your younger charges. Feel free to cut the two lines about what great dressers the French are, unless, of course, you're giving the commencement address at the Sorbonne. Feel free to cut the two lines about what great dressers the French are, unless, of course, you're giving the commencement address at the Sorbonne.

IT'S GREAT TO USE YOUR IMAGINATION I've never been asked to give a commencement address, but if ever I am, I'll turn to a favorite Bardism that offer some life advice I truly value. (The line itself is a lot shorter than Polonius' speech, too, which I suspect my future listeners will appreciate.) Much virtue in "if."-TOUCHSTONE, As You Like It As You Like It, 5.4.92 Some details: This is one of those impossible-to-paraphrase Shakespearean snippets that say in four words what would take most of us a paragraph to communicate. I suppose "It's good to dream" will do as a quick translation into modern English, or perhaps "Fantasy is very important," or "Idealism can be useful," but these don't quite cover everything Touchstone means. John Lennon's song Imagine Imagine could be construed as a commentary on the line, as could every comic book ever written, movie ever made, or invention ever conjured from the recesses of some visionary's mind. The line is Shakespeare's great call to make the world a better place, to yearn for a better way. "If" makes anything possible: science, politics, love itself. A car that can get eighty miles per gallon of gasoline? "If." Want to marry that sparkly-eyed, raven-haired girl? "If." Middle East peace? "Your 'if' is the only peacemaker," says Touchstone. could be construed as a commentary on the line, as could every comic book ever written, movie ever made, or invention ever conjured from the recesses of some visionary's mind. The line is Shakespeare's great call to make the world a better place, to yearn for a better way. "If" makes anything possible: science, politics, love itself. A car that can get eighty miles per gallon of gasoline? "If." Want to marry that sparkly-eyed, raven-haired girl? "If." Middle East peace? "Your 'if' is the only peacemaker," says Touchstone.

"Much virtue in 'if'" is perfect Shakespeare for the Occasion of Commencement, because it's perfect Shakespeare for Inspiration, and ideal Shakespeare for the Occasion of the World Being Your Oyster.

SHAKESPEARE ON SPORTS AND EXERCISE I'll make sport with thee.

-LAFEU, All's Well That Ends Well All's Well That Ends Well, 5.3.319 A proud Shakespeare geek, I don't mind sharing tales of some of my geekiest Shakespeare moments. Most date from my years as a graduate student at Oxford, which is not surprising, not because one's years in grad school are geeky by definition (although they are), nor because I was living Shakespeare 24/7/365 at the time (although I was), but because that great university city's dreaming spires soar through air that flows into town from nearby Warwicks.h.i.+re, Shakespeare's home turf. It's hard not to become intoxicated by the fresh, crisp scent of the Cotswolds as it hits the nostrils. Allowing oneself that little nip of English countryside intoxicant is the first step down the slippery slope of unregenerate Shakespeare geekdom. To wit: There was the time while visiting Scotland that I drove from Birnam Wood to Dunsinane. I wanted to affix some branches to the car in fulfillment of the witches' prediction to Macbeth that the forest would march this route, but the friend I was traveling with nixed it. There was the time while visiting Scotland that I drove from Birnam Wood to Dunsinane. I wanted to affix some branches to the car in fulfillment of the witches' prediction to Macbeth that the forest would march this route, but the friend I was traveling with nixed it. There was the time late one night I snuck onto the darkened stage of the Royal Shakespeare Theatre in Stratford, yelled, "O for a muse of fire!" and fled into the wings before anyone could alert security. There was the time late one night I snuck onto the darkened stage of the Royal Shakespeare Theatre in Stratford, yelled, "O for a muse of fire!" and fled into the wings before anyone could alert security. And there was the time I sat on a country hillside and read aloud the wrestling scene from And there was the time I sat on a country hillside and read aloud the wrestling scene from As You Like It As You Like It to the only audience around on a Tuesday afternoon in spring: an indifferent flock of sheep. to the only audience around on a Tuesday afternoon in spring: an indifferent flock of sheep.

I flatter myself that recovering Shakespeare geeks and even non-initiates might have done more or less what I did in the first two situations. The third, perhaps, requires some explanation.

I gave my ovine command performance at a place called Dover's Hill, a bucolic escarpment that overlooks the picture-postcard-perfect Cotswold village of Chipping Camden, about ten miles south of Shakespeare's hometown of Stratford-upon-Avon. The hill's claim to fame is that its namesake, Shakespeare's contemporary Robert Dover, began in the early 1600s to hold an annual festival there designed to counter England's prevailing atmosphere of Puritanical restraint with a few days of fun. The festival featured food, drink, music, and dancing, of course, but the main attraction was a series of sporting compet.i.tions Dover called the "Cotswold Olimpicks." Events included cross-country races, horse racing, fencing, jumping, hammer throwing, and one sport that really should make an Olympic comeback: s.h.i.+n kicking. (The best way I can describe it is to point out that the Cotswold Olimpicks are today again an annual celebration on Dover's Hill, and the 2007 s.h.i.+n Kicking Champion is named-and you can Google it if you don't believe me-"Stupid Steve.") As entertaining as they were, however, all these events were mere prologue to the games' centerpiece: wrestling. Some say that it's these Cotswold Olimpick bouts that Shakespeare has in mind in the contest between Orlando and Charles the Wrestler in Act 1 of As You Like It As You Like It, and that's why I journeyed there to read the scene.

Wrestling may be the only sport that gets its own Shakespearean scene, but it's by no means the only one mentioned in the canon. Shakespeare talks about tennis, football, equestrianism, fencing, and even some sports he didn't even know he was talking about. Here, then, Shakespeare on the Occasion of the Many Games of the Olimpicks.

A DAILY CONSt.i.tUTIONAL IS GOOD FOR THE MIND Shakespeare was way ahead of the cadres of fitness gurus who preach the gospel of daily exercise and its benefits both physical and emotional. Here's the Bard's take: A turn or two I'll walk / To still my beating mind.-PROSPERO, The Tempest The Tempest, 4.1.16263 In other words: I'll take a little walk to decompress a bit.

I'M GOING FOR A RUN Rise early, pull on your Nikes, and, as you hit the road for your morning five miles, listen to this fun Shakespeare song on your iPod: Jog on, jog on, the footpath way,And merrily hent the stile-a.A merry heart goes all the day,Your sad tires in a mile-a.-AUTOLYCUS, The Winter's Tale The Winter's Tale, 4.2.11316 In other words: Go for a run, go for a run, along the country trail. When you come to a fence, be happy and grab the gate. A happy soul can run all day. A sad sack's exhausted after one mile.

LET'S FURTHER THINK ON THIS...Shaquille O'Neal spoke from his heart when the L.A. Lakers won the NBA Champions.h.i.+p in 2000, and his heart spoke the words of the Bard. At a rally attended by more than two hundred thousand giddy fans in downtown Los Angeles, he paraphrased Twelfth Night Twelfth Night as he rendered judgment on what he and his teammates had achieved. "Some men are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them," he told the crowd. Shaq didn't specify which of the three categories his Lakers brought to mind, but he did add a thought that would have sent chills through the starchy and reserved Malvolio, who says the famous line about greatness: "I love ya. Thank you for your support. I love you." A few days earlier, Shaq told reporters that he wanted to be known as "the Big Aristotle," and then quoted the philosopher at a press conference ("Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit"), but at the Champions.h.i.+p rally he amended that request. "I want to be 'the Big Shakespeare,'" he told his fans. He earned that moniker that afternoon, so by the power vested in me by Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, I hereby p.r.o.nounce the name change official. as he rendered judgment on what he and his teammates had achieved. "Some men are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them," he told the crowd. Shaq didn't specify which of the three categories his Lakers brought to mind, but he did add a thought that would have sent chills through the starchy and reserved Malvolio, who says the famous line about greatness: "I love ya. Thank you for your support. I love you." A few days earlier, Shaq told reporters that he wanted to be known as "the Big Aristotle," and then quoted the philosopher at a press conference ("Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit"), but at the Champions.h.i.+p rally he amended that request. "I want to be 'the Big Shakespeare,'" he told his fans. He earned that moniker that afternoon, so by the power vested in me by Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, I hereby p.r.o.nounce the name change official.

WE SWAM LIKE HECK This vivid description of swimmers making their way through a raging river is worthy of the best play-by-play announcer or the finest narration of some Michael Phelps gold medal triumph. Work all its verbs and verb forms and you'll hear in the very sound of the language itself the gargantuan physical effort it describes. Switch we we to to he he or or she she, and you've got the perfect Shakespeare to Describe Your Kid's High School Swim Meet.

The torrent roared, and we did buffet itWith l.u.s.ty sinews, throwing it aside,And stemming it with hearts of controversy.-Ca.s.sIUS, Julius Caesar Julius Caesar, 1.2.10911 In other words: The water thundered along, and we punched it, our muscles throbbing. We threw it out of our way, and fought it with struggle in our hearts.

THREE MODERN SPORTS Here's Shakespeare on the Occasion of a Line Drive to Center Field: A hit, a very palpable hit.-OSRIC, Hamlet Hamlet, 5.2.223 And Shakespeare for the Occasion of Rebuffng an Insult from Brett Favre: You base football player.-KENT, King Lear King Lear, 1.4.74 And when you finally grow sick of waking up stiff and feeling like your spine is as rigid as the steel in the Eiffel Tower, here's Shakespeare for the Occasion of Learning Vinyasa Yoga: ANTONIO I'll teach you how to flow. I'll teach you how to flow.SEBASTIAN Do so. To ebb Do so. To ebbHereditary sloth instructs me.-The Tempest, 2.1.21819 Hereditary sloth means "genetic laziness." Exactly the factor that keeps couch potatoes, Shakespearean or not, away from the yoga studio. means "genetic laziness." Exactly the factor that keeps couch potatoes, Shakespearean or not, away from the yoga studio.

LET'S FURTHER THINK ON THIS...Baseball color commentary is replete with memorably stirring lines-"Holy cow!" and "How 'bout 'bout that!" and "That ball's that!" and "That ball's outta outta here!"-but I know of no Al Michaels nor Mel Allen who could beat the late Ned Martin, longtime radio voice of the Boston Red Sox, for sheer literary aplomb. Martin used to quote from here!"-but I know of no Al Michaels nor Mel Allen who could beat the late Ned Martin, longtime radio voice of the Boston Red Sox, for sheer literary aplomb. Martin used to quote from Hamlet Hamlet whenever things started to go south for the boys in Fenway. He didn't choose an obvious line, like "Something's rotten in the state of Ma.s.sachusetts" or "O, what a rogue and peasant slave is this pitcher!" He turned instead to King Claudius, and quoted him verbatim: whenever things started to go south for the boys in Fenway. He didn't choose an obvious line, like "Something's rotten in the state of Ma.s.sachusetts" or "O, what a rogue and peasant slave is this pitcher!" He turned instead to King Claudius, and quoted him verbatim: O Gertrude, Gertrude,When sorrows come, they come not single spies,But in battalions.

Top that that, Phil Rizzuto!

SHAKESPEARE ON HOLIDAYS Now I am in a holiday humor.

-ROSALIND, As You Like It As You Like It, 4.1.59 Shakespeare celebrates a number of annual holidays in his works. Many are saints' days, the commemorations that organize the Christian calendar around the dates of the deaths of martyrs. St. Crispin's Day, St. David's Day, and St. George's Day receive special mention, and if Sts. David and Crispin can thank Shakespeare for a measure of their posthumous fame, only George, patron saint of England, can boast that his day marks not only his slaying of the dragon but also the birth of Shakespeare himself. Some, but not all, of the major Christian festivals merit mentions in the plays, and a few pagan and ancient Roman celebrations-Hey, gang, it's Lupercal!-get an airing, too.

The search for Shakespeare's favorite holiday ends in vain. He doesn't seem partial to any one celebration, and, indeed, in King John King John, he offer an appealingly New Age formula for making every day a special day: To solemnize this day, the glorious sunStays in his course and plays the alchemist,Turning with splendor of his precious eyeThe meagre cloddy earth to glittering gold.The yearly course that brings this day about 5Shall never see it but a holy day.-KING P PHILIP, King John King John, 3.1.38 What a beautiful thought: the sun in his...o...b..t is an alchemist, whose bright rays turn the thin, lumpy earth into magnificent gold; he makes this day special, solemn, and holy, and will do the same every year. These six lines fas.h.i.+on a one-size-fits-all Shakespeare on the Occasion of a Holiday, but on those days that call for something more specific, the list below will serve.

NEW YEAR'S Here is Shakespeare's great New Year's resolution to cast off the bad old ways and move into a future resplendent with newness and promise. Turn to it next New Year's Eve, and by the vernal equinox you'll be skinnier, happier, in better shape, and wealthier than you could ever have imagined. And if you aren't, so what? Iambic pentameter goes great with champagne.