Bardisms Part 4

How to use it: If you don't know, you need more than a book on Shakespeare quotations. If you don't know, you need more than a book on Shakespeare quotations.

Some details: Those will remain private, thank you very much.

SHAKESPEARE ON GETTING ENGAGED We are betrothed. Nay more, our marriage hour...

Determined of.

-VALENTINE, The Two Gentlemen of Verona The Two Gentlemen of Verona, 2.4.17274 Betrothals in Renaissance England were largely contractual matters, arranged by parents, announced publicly in special church services, and accompanied by elaborate financial negotiations. Thus it can be tricky to find a good Shakespearean version of those four earth-shattering words, "Will you marry me?" Fortunately, early modern lovers-although not necessarily those intending to marry-shared with their counterparts in our era an affection for a certain special token of mutual love: the ring. And it's in the rhetoric of ring giving and ring taking that our search for Shakespeare for the Occasion of the Marriage Proposal yields results.

PLEASE HAVE THIS RING All right, so this particular ring presentation is from a homicidal maniac to the vehemently opposed, still-grieving widow of one of his victims. So what? Your lover needn't know the dramatic circ.u.mstances. The sentiment is what counts.

Look how my ring encompa.s.seth thy finger;Even so thy breast encloseth my poor heart.Wear both of them, for both of them are thine.-GLOUCESTER, Richard III Richard III, 1.2.19193 In other words: Look how my ring wraps around your finger. In just that same way, your body wraps around my heart. Have both my heart and my ring. They're yours.

How to say it: Technically, this isn't really Shakespeare for "Will you marry me?" because the text makes sense only Technically, this isn't really Shakespeare for "Will you marry me?" because the text makes sense only after after the ring has been slipped onto your sweetie's finger. If for any reason you don't get that far, bail out of this speech and look for Shakespeare for Drowning Your Sorrows in Booze, to be included in the sequel to this volume! the ring has been slipped onto your sweetie's finger. If for any reason you don't get that far, bail out of this speech and look for Shakespeare for Drowning Your Sorrows in Booze, to be included in the sequel to this volume! Richard, Duke of Gloucester, is nothing if not a capable wordsmith. One of his favorite tools is ant.i.thesis ("Now is the Richard, Duke of Gloucester, is nothing if not a capable wordsmith. One of his favorite tools is ant.i.thesis ("Now is the winter winter of our discontent / Made glorious of our discontent / Made glorious summer summer by this son of York"), and he puts it to good use here. Lines 1 and 2 are all ant.i.thesis: by this son of York"), and he puts it to good use here. Lines 1 and 2 are all ant.i.thesis: Look how Look how versus versus even so even so; my ring my ring versus versus thy breast thy breast; encompa.s.seth encompa.s.seth versus versus encloseth encloseth; and thy finger thy finger versus versus my heart my heart. Rely on those contrasts to help you, but be sure to let each line flow smoothly. Don't let individual ant.i.theses become more important than the larger idea you're trying to express.

Some details: The image of Richard's heart beating in Lady Anne's chest has Shakespeare all over it. This trope-call it cardiac swap-appears a few times in the plays and gets developed at length in a handful of the sonnets. What's marvelous about it is that at the same time as being ravis.h.i.+ngly romantic, it's also quite grotesque. My heart is in your chest? Then what's keeping me alive? And what's happened to your heart? And how did this transplant happen? Did some Elizabethan Dr. Jarvik come along and hack you open while you weren't looking? It must have been painful. It must have been b.l.o.o.d.y. Richard's facility with bizarre and surprising images like this one is part of his charm, and is central to his audacity and inexhaustible self-confidence. Shakespeare's facility with such images is what makes him so hair-raisingly brilliant and so thoroughly indelible.

SHAKESPEARE ON WEDDINGS As the ox hath his bow, sir, the horse his curb, and the falcon her bells, so man hath his desires; and as pigeons bill, so wedlock would be nibbling.-TOUCHSTONE, As You Like It As You Like It, 3.3.6668 If there's one occasion for which Shakespeare is truly well suited, it's a wedding. Nearly a third of his plays include one, or at least end with the coming together of a couple or two who will soon be headed for one. Here are three pieces of Shakespeare all eminently suitable for reading during the marriage ceremony, or for accompanying a raised gla.s.s at the reception, plus one excerpt to ensure the party is a properly raucous affair.*

A WEDDING TOAST The standard Bardism for a wedding is this well-known poem that confers a lush and romantic blessing on the couple exchanging vows by exalting their love as true, devoted, and everlasting.

Let me not to the marriage of true mindsAdmit impediments. Love is not loveWhich alters when it alteration finds,Or bends with the remover to remove:O no! it is an ever-fixed mark 5That looks on tempests and is never shaken;It is the star to every wandering bark,Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeksWithin his bending sickle's compa.s.s come: 10Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,But bears it out even to the edge of doom.If this be error and upon me proved,I never writ, nor no man ever loved.-SONNET 116 116 In other words: I don't want to consider even for a moment that anything whatsoever might somehow block the union of two true-minded people. Love isn't really love if it changes when circ.u.mstances change, or if it yields to some attractive temptation. No way!

Love is a permanent beacon, a lighthouse erected forever, that withstands storms without suffering any damage. Love is the North Star that helps every lost little boat navigate its way. (We might be able to determine precisely where in the sky that star is located, but we can't begin to measure its value or the full force of its astrological influence.)*

Love's not susceptible to time's ravages, although Father Time can indeed undo a person's youthful beauty. Love isn't changed by such little things as hours and weeks; love endures until doomsday itself.

If I'm wrong about all this and you can prove it, then I'm no writer, and no person has ever truly been in love.

How to say it: The presence of the word The presence of the word marriage marriage in this sonnet's first line is not the only reason it's so frequently read at weddings. Another is its opening idea, in this sonnet's first line is not the only reason it's so frequently read at weddings. Another is its opening idea, Let me not...admit impediments Let me not...admit impediments. Many commentators note that this is a direct reference to the part of the marriage service when the officiant asks, in that line so familiar from a million movies, if anyone present knows any reason why this couple should not be joined in matrimony. The speaker of this sonnet answers by saying, "May I never even acknowledge the possibility possibility that two such well-matched people might have some reason not to be married!" Keep that in mind when you speak this Bardism. Imagine that the minister or rabbi or justice of the peace has just this minute asked that familiar question. You know this couple well, and you think that the notion of an impediment to this marriage is simply outrageous. This couple's minds are too true and their love is too deep to be affected by any obstacle. After all, you know something not only about these two people, but about love itself. You're a writer-a poet, to be exact-and you've been around. You've traveled (specifically, by boat), you've lived a while, you've observed others in love, and you've loved, too. You therefore know that true love is constant. And you believe this so firmly that you're willing to announce it to the entire world. that two such well-matched people might have some reason not to be married!" Keep that in mind when you speak this Bardism. Imagine that the minister or rabbi or justice of the peace has just this minute asked that familiar question. You know this couple well, and you think that the notion of an impediment to this marriage is simply outrageous. This couple's minds are too true and their love is too deep to be affected by any obstacle. After all, you know something not only about these two people, but about love itself. You're a writer-a poet, to be exact-and you've been around. You've traveled (specifically, by boat), you've lived a while, you've observed others in love, and you've loved, too. You therefore know that true love is constant. And you believe this so firmly that you're willing to announce it to the entire world. The verbs, as always, are crucial. The verbs, as always, are crucial. Let, admit, alters, finds, bends, remove, fixed, looks, shaken, wand'ring, taken, come, alters, bears, proved, writ, loved Let, admit, alters, finds, bends, remove, fixed, looks, shaken, wand'ring, taken, come, alters, bears, proved, writ, loved, and, of course, many occurrences of is is. Try the sonnet one time through, concentrating in particular on the expressive power of these vivid words. Next, take a look at the words that come at the end of each line. Read them aloud: Next, take a look at the words that come at the end of each line. Read them aloud: minds, love, finds, remove, mark, shaken, bark, taken, cheeks, come, weeks, doom, proved, loved minds, love, finds, remove, mark, shaken, bark, taken, cheeks, come, weeks, doom, proved, loved. Now read the sonnet again, emphasizing this list. You'll find that the sense of the sonnet starts to emerge much more clearly, because, as a general rule, the energy of each line of Shakespearean verse drives toward the idea at its end. What's more, you'll now hear very clearly that there's a rhyme scheme in this sonnet. The first and third lines of each quatrain, or set of four lines, rhyme with each other, as do the second and fourth lines of each quatrain, and the sonnet ends with a rhyming couplet. (Each of Shakespeare's sonnets follows this scheme.) Try to let your audience hear the rhymes, but don't hit them so hard that the sense of the words disappears. (The sonnet has two almost-but-not-quite rhymes: What's more, you'll now hear very clearly that there's a rhyme scheme in this sonnet. The first and third lines of each quatrain, or set of four lines, rhyme with each other, as do the second and fourth lines of each quatrain, and the sonnet ends with a rhyming couplet. (Each of Shakespeare's sonnets follows this scheme.) Try to let your audience hear the rhymes, but don't hit them so hard that the sense of the words disappears. (The sonnet has two almost-but-not-quite rhymes: love love and and remove remove, and come come and and doom doom. These are called near rhymes near rhymes. Don't worry about forcing them to rhyme perfectly; just say them as they naturally sound.) Remember to stress the contrasting terms: Remember to stress the contrasting terms: alters alters versus versus bends bends; finds finds versus versus remove remove; worth worth versus versus height height; Love's Love's versus versus time's time's; alters alters versus versus bears bears; I never writ I never writ versus versus no man ever loved no man ever loved; and, in line 2, oddly enough, Love Love versus versus love love! Finally, really dig into some of the sounds of the words themselves: Finally, really dig into some of the sounds of the words themselves: Impediments is, with its four consonant-filled syllables, a long and hefty word. Make each syllable count, letting the weight of the word help infuse it with a sense of irony: as forbidding and formidable as they may sound, is, with its four consonant-filled syllables, a long and hefty word. Make each syllable count, letting the weight of the word help infuse it with a sense of irony: as forbidding and formidable as they may sound, im-ped-i-ments im-ped-i-ments have no standing in the face of this glorious union of true minds. have no standing in the face of this glorious union of true minds.

Let the rich and soothing -ar -ar sounds in sounds in mark mark, star star, and bark bark be nice and luxurious, suggesting how rea.s.suring and permanent love is, particularly in contrast with the skimpy and tumultuous sounds of be nice and luxurious, suggesting how rea.s.suring and permanent love is, particularly in contrast with the skimpy and tumultuous sounds of tempests tempests and and worth's unknown worth's unknown.

Allow those s s sounds in sounds in rosy lips rosy lips, cheeks cheeks, sickle's compa.s.s sickle's compa.s.s, hours hours, and weeks weeks, which so vividly describe the sharp swipe of time's cutting scythe, to contrast as fully as possible with the long, melodic vowels of bears bears, out out, doom doom, and of course, love love.

Finish strong by giving each word in line 14, most of which are monosyllables, as much weight as you can: I. Never. Writ. Nor. No. Man. Ever. Loved. I. Never. Writ. Nor. No. Man. Ever. Loved.

This sonnet works just fine spoken on its own. But if you want to give it a bit of context or make a few brief introductory remarks, here are some approaches: This sonnet works just fine spoken on its own. But if you want to give it a bit of context or make a few brief introductory remarks, here are some approaches: You might comment on how your friends are ideally matched, and in that sense are indeed a "marriage of true minds," and on how you're certain that theirs will be an everlasting love.

You could talk about how every marriage is like an ocean voyage. There are thrills and also challenges, exciting times as well as routine ones, many ups and plenty of downs. But when true love is the star by which the s.h.i.+p navigates, then the challenges, doldrums, and difficulties are far less significant.

You could present yourself as an expert on love who's been asked to comment on today's marriage, and you could joke that these are some of your jottings on the matter.

ANOTHER WEDDING TOAST Sonnet 116, above, works great prior to or during the marriage service, and is best spoken by one person. This Bardism is better suited to the reception, after the marriage has been consecrated, and it's a good one for a couple to say together to the newlyweds.

JUNO Honor, riches, marriage-blessing, Honor, riches, marriage-blessing,Long continuance and increasing,Hourly joys be still upon you!Juno sings her blessings on you.CERES Earth's increase, and foison plenty, 5 Earth's increase, and foison plenty, 5Barns and garners never empty,Vines and cl.u.s.t'ring bunches growing,Plants with goodly burthen bowing;Spring come to you at the farthest,In the very end of harvest. 10Scarcity and want shall shun you,Ceres' blessing so is on you.-The Tempest, 4.1.10617 In other words: JUNO May you have honor, wealth, marriage blessings, long lives, and a growing family. Hour by hour, may you always have happiness! Juno, queen of all the G.o.ds, sings her blessings to you. May you have honor, wealth, marriage blessings, long lives, and a growing family. Hour by hour, may you always have happiness! Juno, queen of all the G.o.ds, sings her blessings to you.CERES May you have the bounty of all that grows on earth, and may you have every abundance. May your barns and granaries never be empty; may your vines sprout bunches of rich, ripe grapes; may all your crops bend with the weight of the good fruits growing on them. May spring always come immediately after autumn, so that your years never suffer winter's chill. Poverty and need will have nothing to do with you. With all this, Ceres, G.o.ddess of agriculture, blesses you. May you have the bounty of all that grows on earth, and may you have every abundance. May your barns and granaries never be empty; may your vines sprout bunches of rich, ripe grapes; may all your crops bend with the weight of the good fruits growing on them. May spring always come immediately after autumn, so that your years never suffer winter's chill. Poverty and need will have nothing to do with you. With all this, Ceres, G.o.ddess of agriculture, blesses you.

How to say it: First, even though in First, even though in The Tempest The Tempest the G.o.ddesses sing these lines, you should feel free simply to speak them! the G.o.ddesses sing these lines, you should feel free simply to speak them! Two speakers can work together (one as Juno, the other as Ceres), or one person can combine the speeches together into one presentation. In either case, you may wish to omit the G.o.ddesses' names and subst.i.tute slight rewrites that allow you to speak on behalf of all the wedding guests as you bless the newlyweds. The lines could go like this: Two speakers can work together (one as Juno, the other as Ceres), or one person can combine the speeches together into one presentation. In either case, you may wish to omit the G.o.ddesses' names and subst.i.tute slight rewrites that allow you to speak on behalf of all the wedding guests as you bless the newlyweds. The lines could go like this: Line 4: We all sing our blessings on you.

Line 12: All our blessings so are on you.

While you've got your red pencil out, you may even consider subst.i.tuting "produce" or "portions" for line 5's archaic and obscure foison. foison. (You wouldn't want anyone to think you're wis.h.i.+ng "poison" on the newlyweds!) (You wouldn't want anyone to think you're wis.h.i.+ng "poison" on the newlyweds!) Whether or not you make these minor changes in the text, keep in mind that in offering this Bardism you're giving a priestly benediction. Be as generous of spirit and genuine of heart as you can be. All the wishes you express are positive, happy, hopeful, and warm. Let your real affection for the couple you're addressing infuse the way you speak. The language will be filled with emotion, and your remarks will be moving and quite memorable. Whether or not you make these minor changes in the text, keep in mind that in offering this Bardism you're giving a priestly benediction. Be as generous of spirit and genuine of heart as you can be. All the wishes you express are positive, happy, hopeful, and warm. Let your real affection for the couple you're addressing infuse the way you speak. The language will be filled with emotion, and your remarks will be moving and quite memorable. Lines 1, 2, and 3 comprise a long list of things Juno wishes for the marrying couple, and each new item in the list is somehow bigger or grander or more forceful than the one before. That is, the list builds in intensity as it continues, starting with Lines 1, 2, and 3 comprise a long list of things Juno wishes for the marrying couple, and each new item in the list is somehow bigger or grander or more forceful than the one before. That is, the list builds in intensity as it continues, starting with honor honor and climaxing with and climaxing with hourly joys hourly joys, a phrase so emphatic it's even marked with an exclamation point. (A build build is precisely what a theater artist would call these lines; a musician would call them a is precisely what a theater artist would call these lines; a musician would call them a crescendo crescendo.) A good trick to help find the build is to think the phrase "and not only that but also" between each idea: Honor (and not only that but also) riches, (and not only that but also) marriage-blessing marriage-blessing, (and not only that but also) long continuance long continuance ( (and not only that but also) AND INCREASING AND INCREASING, (and not only that but also) HOURLY JOYS BE STILL UPON YOU! HOURLY JOYS BE STILL UPON YOU! Ceres also gives a list with a build, though it develops more slowly than Juno's. Try the "not only this but also" trick at the end of each line of verse and you'll get a sense of how it works. Ceres also gives a list with a build, though it develops more slowly than Juno's. Try the "not only this but also" trick at the end of each line of verse and you'll get a sense of how it works. Among the many expressive words in these lines, Among the many expressive words in these lines, blessing blessing is of course the most important. Give it real weight every time you say it. is of course the most important. Give it real weight every time you say it. Still Still (meaning "always") in line 3, (meaning "always") in line 3, never empty never empty in line 6, and in line 6, and shall shun you shall shun you in line 11 are also crucial ideas. in line 11 are also crucial ideas.

AND ANOTHER WEDDING TOAST In Chapter One, we heard Hermione ask the G.o.ds to pour their graces on her daughter's head, and we discussed Shakespeare's obsession with the notion of heavenly precipitation falling on us mortals below. Here's another instance. These three simple and gracious lines will provide a nice finis.h.i.+ng touch at the end of the ceremony or reception. (They'll also serve nicely as a toast to a long-married couple, as I know well from saying this Bardism to my parents on their golden anniversary.) The benediction of these covering heavensFall on their heads like dew, for they are worthyTo inlay heaven with stars.-BELARIUS, Cymbeline Cymbeline, 5.5.35153 THEY'RE MARRIED; LET'S START THE PARTY!

Part of what makes Shakespeare so apt for serving at weddings is that his material on the subject strikes the right balance between joy and solemnity. Just like the occasion itself, the pa.s.sages above combine a good measure of uplift, a dollop of sentimentality, plenty of wit to keep the whole souffle from collapsing outright, and, sprinkled atop it all tableside, a healthy pinch of wistfulness.

It's the expert deployment of this last ingredient that's so impressive to anyone who's ever experienced the singular emotional complexion of the wedding ceremony. If things get too serious, the whole day melts down faster than the ice sculpture adorning the buffet table. But without some sense of the gravity of the commitment being sworn by bride and groom, the thing starts to feel phony, saccharine, and cloying. Casting a shadow over the altar with such phrases as Sonnet 116's the edge of doom the edge of doom and and no man ever loved no man ever loved, Shakespeare reminds us that "till death do us part" means business. He provides the literary equivalent of the smashed gla.s.s that ends every Jewish wedding, the symbolic acknowledgment that loss and endings are no less a part of lives lived in partners.h.i.+p than ecstasy and new creation.

But lest sobering reality do too much damage, Shakespeare comes in again with language that turns us back around. Like the traditional Yiddish shout of Mazel tov! Mazel tov! ("Good luck!") that banishes from the synagogue the ominous sound of shattering crystal, these lines snap us back from the brink, swing us into happiness, and get us ready for the big celebration still to come. ("Good luck!") that banishes from the synagogue the ominous sound of shattering crystal, these lines snap us back from the brink, swing us into happiness, and get us ready for the big celebration still to come.

Meantime, forget this new-fallen dignityAnd fall into our rustic revelry.Play, music, and you brides and bridegrooms all,With measure heap'd in joy to th' measures fall.-DUKE S SENIOR, As You Like It As You Like It, 5.4.16568 In other words: Meanwhile, let's get rid of this sudden seriousness, and dive into some good old-fas.h.i.+oned partying! Strike up the band! And all you brides and bridegrooms, pile on the happiness, and start dancing!

How to say it: The father of the bride can use this Bardism to help make the transition from the de rigueur remarks about "all those whom we wish were still with us to celebrate this day" to the first rousing chorus of "Hava Nagila." Alternatively, the DJ, bandleader, or best man can use it as a way of getting all the guests up on their feet and boogeying. The father of the bride can use this Bardism to help make the transition from the de rigueur remarks about "all those whom we wish were still with us to celebrate this day" to the first rousing chorus of "Hava Nagila." Alternatively, the DJ, bandleader, or best man can use it as a way of getting all the guests up on their feet and boogeying. Whoever says these lines must remember that they demand real energy in order to work. Circle the words at the end of each line-two rhyming pairs-and drive through toward them as powerfully as possible. Here's a hint of how it should sound: "Cel-e-brate good times, COME ON!" Whoever says these lines must remember that they demand real energy in order to work. Circle the words at the end of each line-two rhyming pairs-and drive through toward them as powerfully as possible. Here's a hint of how it should sound: "Cel-e-brate good times, COME ON!" Ant.i.theses: Ant.i.theses: forget forget versus versus fall fall, new-fallen new-fallen versus versus rustic rustic, dignity dignity versus versus revelry revelry, brides brides versus versus bridegrooms bridegrooms. Forget Forget and and fall fall are also verbs, and they call for some heavy juice. are also verbs, and they call for some heavy juice.

SHAKESPEARE ON WEDDING VOWS My heart unto yours is knit So that but one heart we can make of it; Two bosoms interchained with an oath; So then two bosoms and a single troth.

-LYSANDER, A Midsummer Night's Dream A Midsummer Night's Dream, 2.2. 5356 It's hard to think of a single wedding I've attended in which the vows taken by bride and groom conformed to the standard formula of "to have and to hold until death do us part." Most couples whose unions I've been fortunate to witness have preferred to depart from the tried and true and have incorporated into their vows music, poetry, their own writings and observations, and in one memorable case interpretive dance.

As always, Shakespeare's at the ready with a rich vein of material for the most special moment of your most special day.

WITH THIS RING, I THEE WED Here's a simple Shakespearean statement for bride and groom to repeat to each other at the big moment when the gold bands make their appearance.

When this ring / Parts from this finger, then parts life from hence.-Ba.s.sANIO, The Merchant of Venice The Merchant of Venice, 3.2.18384 Some details: Should anyone at your wedding be churlish enough to mention that this line in The Merchant of Venice The Merchant of Venice foreshadows the horrible moment when Portia's ring does indeed part from Ba.s.sanio's finger, precipitating one of the nastiest spats between any couple in Shakespeare, simply remind them that (a) it works out fine in the end, and (b) n.o.body likes a smarty-pants. foreshadows the horrible moment when Portia's ring does indeed part from Ba.s.sanio's finger, precipitating one of the nastiest spats between any couple in Shakespeare, simply remind them that (a) it works out fine in the end, and (b) n.o.body likes a smarty-pants.

FROM THIS TIME FORTH AND FOREVERMORE Two of my friends offered this Bardism to each other at their gorgeous wedding in a small chapel in the woods of Martha's Vineyard. I include it here in tribute to their long and happy marriage.

To you I give myself, for I am yours.-ROSALIND, ORLANDO, As You Like It As You Like It, 5.4.106 How to say it: Some editions of Some editions of As You Like It As You Like It separate separate myself myself into two words: into two words: my self my self. Though a little pedantic for my taste, this choice at least points to the wonderful doubleness of so much Shakespearean poetry. Rosalind and Orlando give themselves themselves to each other-that is, all of what they have, everything they are-but they also give their to each other-that is, all of what they have, everything they are-but they also give their selves selves-their inmost parts, their secret hearts, the essences that make them who they are. Either way you say the line, it expresses the magnificent idea that takes both Rosalind and Orlando five acts of Shakespeare and all sorts of extraordinary challenges to learn: that love is above all an act of profound generosity, unparalleled self-revelation, and trusting surrender.

ENDLESS LOVE Here is a Bardism I consider one of Shakespeare's finest hyperbolic hours, a perfect image of wedding-day love, a love so great it's infinite.

My bounty is as boundless as the sea,My love as deep. The more I give to theeThe more I have, for both are infinite.-JULIET, Romeo and Juliet Romeo and Juliet, 2.2.17577 How to say it: Try to wring all you can out of the important ant.i.thesis between Try to wring all you can out of the important ant.i.thesis between give give and and have have. This speech shows how Shakespeare uses the sound of his language to help communicate meaning. First, the vowels. Listen to the echoing This speech shows how Shakespeare uses the sound of his language to help communicate meaning. First, the vowels. Listen to the echoing ow ow sounds in sounds in boundless boundless and and bounty bounty, the repeated ee ee in in bounty bounty, sea sea, deep deep, and thee thee, and the recurring diphthong eye eye in in my my, my my, I I, and I I. Next, the consonants. Watch how the v v bounces from bounces from love love to to give give to to have have and how the and how the b b migrates from migrates from bounty bounty to to boundless boundless to to both both. Finally, the alternation between mono- and polysyllables. The final line employs one of Shakespeare's favorite rhythmic tricks: a monosyllabic line with a polysyllabic word at the end. The. More. I. Have. For. Both. Are. The. More. I. Have. For. Both. Are. go along slowly and emphatically, until go along slowly and emphatically, until Infinite Infinite springs into the ether, made special not only by its placement at the end of the line, but also by the bold relief that pops out its cl.u.s.ter of three syllables from what comes before. This is Shakespeare at his Mozartian best, a composer of word music as virtuosic as any set out in notes and staves. springs into the ether, made special not only by its placement at the end of the line, but also by the bold relief that pops out its cl.u.s.ter of three syllables from what comes before. This is Shakespeare at his Mozartian best, a composer of word music as virtuosic as any set out in notes and staves.

Some details: A crucial aspect of this speech is that it's built on paradox. Juliet feels a love that's not only infinite but also continues to grow: the more she gives away, the more she has. Shakespeare loves stuff like this. He's addicted to riddles. You can't get through a dozen lines in Macbeth Macbeth without finding weather that's "both foul and fair," or a prediction that "cannot be ill, cannot be good"; Troilus puzzles at his girlfriend's behavior and concludes that she simultaneously "is and is not Cressid"; Hamlet and Ophelia engage in a long debate about the paradoxical relations.h.i.+p of beauty and honesty; and all those cross-dressing heroines can't take so much as a step in pants without someone making a crack about hermaphrodism. These are just the tip of the iceberg of Shakespeare's obsession with impossibility, indeterminacy, simultaneity, and oxymoron. without finding weather that's "both foul and fair," or a prediction that "cannot be ill, cannot be good"; Troilus puzzles at his girlfriend's behavior and concludes that she simultaneously "is and is not Cressid"; Hamlet and Ophelia engage in a long debate about the paradoxical relations.h.i.+p of beauty and honesty; and all those cross-dressing heroines can't take so much as a step in pants without someone making a crack about hermaphrodism. These are just the tip of the iceberg of Shakespeare's obsession with impossibility, indeterminacy, simultaneity, and oxymoron.

He wasn't alone in loving such dizzying intellectual puzzles. Shakespeare's period, for all its social upheavals, political and religious turmoil, and military crises, was distinguished by its great capacity for giddy awe and a real sense of wonder. It's not called the English Renaissance for nothing; the pace of innovation in science, economics, geographical discovery, and art was extraordinary, and as each new idea arrived in Britain, it met with its share of curiosity, amus.e.m.e.nt, or astonishment. Early modern Englishmen were addicted to optical illusions, astronomical prodigies, and biological oddities, and Shakespeare writes about them all. Twelfth Night Twelfth Night dwells at length on the distorting effects of mirrors and lenses; dwells at length on the distorting effects of mirrors and lenses; Henry VI, Part I Henry VI, Part I opens with a comet, and meteor storms break out at least a half dozen times in the tragedies; there are no fewer than three sets of identical twins in Shakespeare's canon, and the mysteries of birth are a constant preoccupation. opens with a comet, and meteor storms break out at least a half dozen times in the tragedies; there are no fewer than three sets of identical twins in Shakespeare's canon, and the mysteries of birth are a constant preoccupation.

Indeed, Shakespeare's contribution to the English attraction to paradox is so prolific that it's hard to know if he was reflecting public taste or shaping it. What's clear is that he brings something new to the table, which we see in the Juliet speech above. Shakespeare finds paradox in human situations human situations, in relations.h.i.+ps between people, in emotions. After all, he seems to ask, what's more of a curiosity: a newly discovered species of snake that often, when it eats, devours its own tail, or a person whose own appet.i.tes prove his horrible undoing? The latter, of course. That's Shakespeare's subject: the wonders, both joyous and terrifying, of being human. And love, the most wondrous of all human experiences, is the ultimate puzzle, the most dizzying trick of the light, and the greatest paradox of all.

BOTTOMLESS LOVE Juliet's reference to oceanic love isn't the only deep-water moment in Shakespeare. Here's another, perhaps even better suited to the wedding vow.

My affection hath an unknown bottom, like the Bay of Portugal.-ROSALIND, As You Like It As You Like It, 4.1.17778 How to use it: This nuptial Bardism helped establish my reputation among my circle of friends as the go-to guy for occasion-appropriate Bardophilic quotations. I offered it at the warm and splendid Beverly Hills wedding of my dear friends Karen and Ben, who asked some of their closest pals to read pa.s.sages on certain themes during their marriage ceremony. My a.s.signed topic was love, so I knew Shakespeare would figure in somehow. This nuptial Bardism helped establish my reputation among my circle of friends as the go-to guy for occasion-appropriate Bardophilic quotations. I offered it at the warm and splendid Beverly Hills wedding of my dear friends Karen and Ben, who asked some of their closest pals to read pa.s.sages on certain themes during their marriage ceremony. My a.s.signed topic was love, so I knew Shakespeare would figure in somehow.

The Bay of Portugal was the body of water believed in Shakespeare's day to be the deepest on earth. Bridegroom Ben had just published a novel whose hero was a records verifier for a Guinness Book of World Records Guinness Book of World Recordstype volume, so I thought he'd appreciate a way to think about married love in terms of what is (to my knowledge) the only world record in the Bard's canon. Introducing the line, I explained that a modern paraphrase might read, "My love is as deep as the Marianas Trench," the location off j.a.pan now known to be the deepest in any ocean, but that the Bay of Portugal the Bay of Portugal sounded much more romantic and exotic, and besides, sounded much more romantic and exotic, and besides, bottomless bottomless is a far more mysterious and enticing description of love than "36,201 feet deep." I went on to talk about how surprising and specific details like this one are what make Shakespeare's writing so unique, and, similarly, how the idiosyncratic, day-to-day details we learn about each other are what make us love as deeply as we do. The a.s.sembled crowd, and Ben and Karen, were moved. Feel free to borrow my introductory gambit if you decide to use the line in describing a marrying couple, or explain the line in retrospect at a toast during the reception if you incorporate it into your vows. is a far more mysterious and enticing description of love than "36,201 feet deep." I went on to talk about how surprising and specific details like this one are what make Shakespeare's writing so unique, and, similarly, how the idiosyncratic, day-to-day details we learn about each other are what make us love as deeply as we do. The a.s.sembled crowd, and Ben and Karen, were moved. Feel free to borrow my introductory gambit if you decide to use the line in describing a marrying couple, or explain the line in retrospect at a toast during the reception if you incorporate it into your vows.

Some details: One of the ways of studying Shakespeare I find most rewarding is what literary critics call his canonicity, the aspects of his writing that allow us to draw together his many individual efforts into a single, unified body of work. Approaching the canon as a whole, you begin to see echoes and correspondences you can't see when you look at any individual work in isolation. You can watch Shakespeare's craft develop over time. You can identify a set of his core interests running through every work and getting teased out and tried again and again. You can see early false starts and failed ideas developed further and solved better as the canon evolves. The canon has a life of its own-a beginning, a middle, and an end.

Juliet's my love is as deep as the ocean my love is as deep as the ocean and Rosalind's and Rosalind's my love is like the Bay of Portugal my love is like the Bay of Portugal provide one interesting example of the insights into Shakespeare that can be found through his canonicity. Both lines employ an identical simile comparing love with the sea. Juliet's use of it is simpler and more general; love is compared to no specific body of water, and the sea is just plain provide one interesting example of the insights into Shakespeare that can be found through his canonicity. Both lines employ an identical simile comparing love with the sea. Juliet's use of it is simpler and more general; love is compared to no specific body of water, and the sea is just plain deep deep. Rosalind is more detailed in both nautical location-the waters off Lisbon-and measurement: bottomless bottomless, although not a finite number, is a more evocative adjective. Now consider both these lines in the context of Shakespeare's entire output. Romeo and Juliet Romeo and Juliet dates from around 1594, and dates from around 1594, and As You Like It As You Like It from about 1599. Watching Shakespeare develop this single image from generality to specificity over that five-year period provides a glimpse into his growth as an imaginative artist, illuminates his method as a writer, and perhaps even opens a door onto him rereading and responding to his own previous work. To consider any products of Shakespeare's mind within the context of all the products of his mind is to glean more than can be gathered from any single line on its own. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. That's what canonicity is all about. from about 1599. Watching Shakespeare develop this single image from generality to specificity over that five-year period provides a glimpse into his growth as an imaginative artist, illuminates his method as a writer, and perhaps even opens a door onto him rereading and responding to his own previous work. To consider any products of Shakespeare's mind within the context of all the products of his mind is to glean more than can be gathered from any single line on its own. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. That's what canonicity is all about.

SHAKESPEARE ON RELATIONs.h.i.+P TROUBLES Men are April when they woo, December when they wed. Maids are May when they are maids, but the sky changes when they are wives.-ROSALIND, As You Like It As You Like It, 4.1.12426 "Sweet are the uses of adversity," Duke Senior counsels in As You Like It As You Like It, but the advice might be aimed at the lovers in all the plays who travel b.u.mpy roads toward eventual bliss. Love in Shakespeare meets with crises of every kind: misapprehensions, misunderstandings, slanders, jealousies, and betrayals. And when they're swept away in the delirium of yet another Act 5 series of unlikely reversals, uncanny revelations, and lessons learned, these adversities do indeed serve to render the happiness all the more sweet in comparison.

Yet while Shakespeare knows that shadows make brightness seem even brighter, he also knows that the darkness itself stays dark. The pain is real while it lasts, and it lingers on in the memory. And, of course, sometimes the happy ending never comes. When love founders on life's jagged rocks, it hurts. Truly and deeply, it hurts. Here's a Shakespearean sampler for those Occasions When Love Goes Wrong.

LOVIN' AIN'T EASY This famous observation is either a balm to those convinced that their own redemptive Act 5 is just around the corner or a confirmation that what's hard is hard, and nothing's going to change it.

Ay me, for aught that I could ever read,Could ever hear by tale or history,The course of true love never did run smooth.-LYSANDER, A Midsummer Night's Dream A Midsummer Night's Dream, 1.1.13234 JEALOUSY IS POWERFUL Shakespeare's lovers pursue their amours beneath a whole constellation of ill stars. Cranky fathers-in-law abound, and social strictures impose frequently on love's free will, be they based on differences of cla.s.s, race, or religion. The weather separates lovers in a couple of plays, and villainous lotharios driven by l.u.s.t or greed or both do their share of damage. In a handful of plays, war stamps its violent boot on Cupid's gossamer wings. Still, no outside force in Shakespeare wreaks more havoc on love than a destructive gale that roars through Oth.e.l.lo Oth.e.l.lo, The Winter's Tale The Winter's Tale, Cymbeline Cymbeline, and King Lear King Lear, and that percolates hot beneath the surface of Much Ado About Nothing Much Ado About Nothing, All's Well That Ends Well All's Well That Ends Well, The Comedy of Errors The Comedy of Errors, The Tempest The Tempest, The Two Gentlemen of Verona The Two Gentlemen of Verona, and Troilus and Cressida Troilus and Cressida. That devastating storm: jealousy.

Iago, who seems to know everything there is to know on the subject ("Trifles light as air / Are to the jealous confirmations strong / As proofs of holy writ"), describes it in an image whose vivid originality always shocks.

O, beware, my lord, of jealousy.It is the green-eyed monster which doth mockThe meat it feeds on.-IAGO, Oth.e.l.lo Oth.e.l.lo, 3.3.16971 How to use it: Keep this excerpt handy the next time a friend, or your lover, veers into that terrible territory of suspicion, insecurity, and mistrust. One friend swears that a girlfriend who'd grown exhausted with his constant quizzes about her comings and goings once went to the trouble of buying a stuffed monster from a toy store, painting its eyes green, and setting it at the kitchen table with a half-eaten burger in front of it. I've never been able to confirm the story, but I like it a lot. Keep this excerpt handy the next time a friend, or your lover, veers into that terrible territory of suspicion, insecurity, and mistrust. One friend swears that a girlfriend who'd grown exhausted with his constant quizzes about her comings and goings once went to the trouble of buying a stuffed monster from a toy store, painting its eyes green, and setting it at the kitchen table with a half-eaten burger in front of it. I've never been able to confirm the story, but I like it a lot. Change Change my lord my lord to to my lady my lady if the girl's the jealous one in your relations.h.i.+p. if the girl's the jealous one in your relations.h.i.+p.

Some details: Like the primrose path, the dead doornail, and the milk of human kindness, the green-eyed monster is one of those Shakespearean phrases that's seeped into the lexicon of everyday English. At some time or another, we've all heard it or said it, whether or not we were aware that the Bard wrote it. This strikes me as curious, because unlike Ophelia's path, Pistol's doornail, and Lady Macbeth's milk, Iago's monster isn't exactly the easiest image to understand. Why, for example, are its eyes green? And what exactly does it do when it mocks the meat it eats? Does it sneer, "HA-ha! What a stupid steak you you are"? are"?

One magnificent nineteenth-century edition of the play offer some answers. The Variorum Shakespeare Variorum Shakespeare was the brainchild of Philadelphia scholar Horace Howard Furness, and was completed after his death by his son of the same name. Father and son's mad project was to try to cram into a series of single volumes every conceivable textual variant, and zillions of other bits of arcane information, was the brainchild of Philadelphia scholar Horace Howard Furness, and was completed after his death by his son of the same name. Father and son's mad project was to try to cram into a series of single volumes every conceivable textual variant, and zillions of other bits of arcane information, that had ever been thought that had ever been thought about each of Shakespeare's plays. It was a scheme typical of the Victorian era, a time when thinkers on both sides of the Atlantic hatched schemes of gigantic ambition and unfaltering self-confidence, and often created achievements to match both. The about each of Shakespeare's plays. It was a scheme typical of the Victorian era, a time when thinkers on both sides of the Atlantic hatched schemes of gigantic ambition and unfaltering self-confidence, and often created achievements to match both. The Variorum Variorum is a treasure trove of information about Shakespeare-some stupendously valuable, some simply crackpot-and is an indispensable resource to any serious student of the Bard, in the study or on the stage. is a treasure trove of information about Shakespeare-some stupendously valuable, some simply crackpot-and is an indispensable resource to any serious student of the Bard, in the study or on the stage.

The Variorum Oth.e.l.lo Variorum Oth.e.l.lo includes no fewer than five full pages of commentary on the "green-eyed" pa.s.sage. Regarding jealousy's eyes: Shakespeare usually a.s.sociates jealousy with the color yellow, but the monster's green eyes get support from Portia, who, Furness reminds us, mentions them in includes no fewer than five full pages of commentary on the "green-eyed" pa.s.sage. Regarding jealousy's eyes: Shakespeare usually a.s.sociates jealousy with the color yellow, but the monster's green eyes get support from Portia, who, Furness reminds us, mentions them in The Merchant of Venice The Merchant of Venice. One scholar argues that by saying the the green-eyed monster instead of green-eyed monster instead of a a green-eyed monster, Iago refers to some specific creature widely known to have green eyes and to mock its victim. That monster? Why, "the tyger," of course. Another scholar concurs, but floats the idea that the mocking tiger's not green-eyed at all, but green-eyed monster, Iago refers to some specific creature widely known to have green eyes and to mock its victim. That monster? Why, "the tyger," of course. Another scholar concurs, but floats the idea that the mocking tiger's not green-eyed at all, but agreinied agreinied, an archaic word meaning "sportive" or "frolicsome." (That scholar is named Becket, and we'll return to him in a moment.) Regarding mock / The meat it feeds on mock / The meat it feeds on, most scholars agree that a serviceable paraphrase might be, "Jealousy feeds on love, a food it plays with like a child with its pureed veggies." Since Iago uses both the monster and its meat metaphorically, the line therefore really means, "Jealousy laughingly torments the soul of the person who suffers from it." That seems pretty right to me, although Furness recalls an explanation from Lewis Theobald that introduces a very different perspective. The granddaddy of all Shakespeare scholars conjectures that mock mock was a mistaken reading for was a mistaken reading for make make and that, corrected, the phrase means, "Jealous souls create their own suspicions, and these become a kind of sustaining nourishment for their own paranoia." This brings us back to our agreinied friend Professor Becket. He believes that neither and that, corrected, the phrase means, "Jealous souls create their own suspicions, and these become a kind of sustaining nourishment for their own paranoia." This brings us back to our agreinied friend Professor Becket. He believes that neither mock mock nor nor make make is correct, but that Shakespeare obviously wrote is correct, but that Shakespeare obviously wrote muck muck, meaning befoul befoul. A scholar named Jackson supports Becket but argues that if muck muck is correct, then the monster is not a tiger but a mouse, known colloquially as the "little monster." A mouse, Jackson delicately explains, "after it has glutted on a piece of nice meat, leaves as much defilement on the residue as it possibly can." is correct, then the monster is not a tiger but a mouse, known colloquially as the "little monster." A mouse, Jackson delicately explains, "after it has glutted on a piece of nice meat, leaves as much defilement on the residue as it possibly can."

Mouse droppings? In Shakespeare Shakespeare? Furness won't have it. "Some years ago I announced the exhaustion of my patience with Andrew Becket and Zachary Jackson," he snaps, then proclaims that by presenting to the world the self-evident absurdity of their mucking mouse, "my vindication is complete." His bile flowing, Furness moves on to the wonderfully named Lord Chedworth, who holds that Iago's green-eyed monster is "a sort of large dragon-fly, that voids a greenish foam from its mouth, and then gradually sucks it in again." For Furness, this is too much. He petulantly labels this "the last note that I will ever take" from Chedworth, "the sight of whose volume [of Shakespeare commentary] starts a shudder."

At his death, Furness left his books and papers to the University of Pennsylvania, where the Horace Howard Furness Shakespeare Library remains one of the great collections of its kind. I've never been there, but one day I will make a pilgrimage and pay my respects to the professor, whose inability to suffer fools makes him one of the most appealing of the giants in my field.

CHAPTER 4

Then a Soldier

SHAKESPEARE FOR THE OCCASIONS OF PROFESSIONAL LIFE Then a soldier, Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard, Jealous in honor, sudden and quick in quarrel, Seeking the bubble reputation Even in the cannon's mouth.

Jaques' Fourth Age of Man limns a figure recognizable enough to anyone who's ever seen a war movie or even a YouTube clip of steel-spined, high-and-tighted Jack Nicholson barking "You can't handle can't handle the truth!" straight into the straining solar plexus of the handsomely toothy, toothily earnest Tom Cruise. But while it may be fun to read the truth!" straight into the straining solar plexus of the handsomely toothy, toothily earnest Tom Cruise. But while it may be fun to read As You Like It As You Like It during a wee-hours rerun of during a wee-hours rerun of A Few Good Men A Few Good Men, you shouldn't push the comparison between the two too far. For one thing, if you did, a produce market's worth of apples and oranges would cascade out of your television; that is, As You Like It As You Like It is is As You Like It As You Like It, whereas A Few Good Men A Few Good Men is, well, is, well, A Few Good Men A Few Good Men. "Comparisons are odorous," as Dogberry says in Much Ado About Nothing Much Ado About Nothing. For another, the leatherneck whom Nicholson portrays with such barnstorming brio is of a different species-a different genus genus, really-than Jaques' aristocratic soldier. The type Jaques sketches, so familiar in the European Renaissance, indeed so standard in all European societies right up to the moment horses and swords yielded the battlefield to armored tanks and machine guns, is all but extinct in our era of all-volunteer armed forces and the military as the Great Leveler that suborns social status to military rank.

To Shakespeare's audience, an officer and a gentleman was every bit as much the latter as he was the former. Yes, Elizabethan armies had citizen-soldiers, too: the grunts who did the majority of the fighting and dying were recruited from the rank and file of the great unwashed. But Shakespeare's military men, from Coriola.n.u.s and Bertram and Bened.i.c.k and Don Pedro and Macduff to all the t.i.tled blue bloods in all the royal families who make war on one another in all the English history plays, are members of a distinct, exclusive, hereditary, and privileged military caste. The bearded, oath-swearing, honor-obsessed gentleman soldier of Shakespeare's plays is one of a handful of character types whose apparent similarities to types familiar in our culture serve paradoxically to render them less, not more, familiar.

To understand what Jaques is talking about-or, for that matter, to make sense of any of the Shakespearean character types transformed by time into quaint figures out of some historical diorama-we need to reconstruct a world that existed four centuries in the past. Traces of a culture long gone survive in Shakespeare's lines, and like clay shards in an archaeological dig, they provide clues about a life and a lifestyle nearly buried by time. Our job is to rea.s.semble these shards into a living whole. Parolles, a character in All's Well That Ends Well All's Well That Ends Well, is one such archaeological trace. This garrulous, obsessive, self-aggrandizing soldier is detail by detail the man described in Jaques' lines. Read the scenes he's in, and it's easy to suppose that Shakespeare kept a copy of the "All the world's a stage" speech open beside him as he wrote. More surviving shards: older plays, upon which Shakespeare drew as he a.s.sembled his indelible gallery of military personages. Plautus, the ancient Roman comic dramatist whom Shakespeare mentions in Hamlet Hamlet and rips off in and rips off in The Comedy of Errors The Comedy of Errors, wrote a play called Miles Gloriosus Miles Gloriosus ( (The Braggart Soldier) whose eponymous hero is a type as widely known in the cla.s.sical world as in the early modern: a hero exactly like the one Jaques anatomizes in his speech. And another shard: contemporary history. Robert Devereux, the Earl of Ess.e.x, famous for being the would-be/maybe-was paramour of Queen Elizabeth I and later infamous for leading a rebellion against her that cost him his life, wore a very distinctive beard. Long, thick, orange, and cut square, it set a trend in facial hair that wannabe soldiers imitated up and down England. That trend reached its apogee in 1599, the year Ess.e.x went from consort to convict, and the year in which Shakespeare wrote Jaques' famous lines.

A character in a play, an ancient literary form, a short-lived tonsorial fad. Neither revelatory nor particularly meaningful on their own, when taken together they unlock the fourth of Jaques' Seven Ages. The key is what Parolles, Miles Gloriosus, and the hirsute Earl of Ess.e.x share in common: they're laughable. Parolles is the comic relief in All's Well All's Well, the b.u.t.t of a practical joke whose climax is as prodigiously funny as any sequence in Shakespeare. Miles Gloriosus Miles Gloriosus is a knockabout farce whose t.i.tle character is an absolute and unregenerate buffoon. As for Ess.e.x's beard, check out a portrait of the earl and you'll see on his chin a barbigerous bulk that makes the poor fellow look like an Elizabethan cross between two Sams: Uncle and Yosemite. When we piece together these Renaissance shards, we see something otherwise invisible in the Support Our Troops culture we inhabit: the soldier as a subject of lampoon, not reflexive and solemn praise. His oaths make him sound like a madman. His beard makes him look like an idiot. And his wors.h.i.+p of honor and pursuit of renown lead him to where only a fool would go by choice-straight into the firing line. It turns out that for Jaques-for Shakespeare-the Fourth Age of Man is as ridiculous as the three that came before it. is a knockabout farce whose t.i.tle character is an absolute and unregenerate buffoon. As for Ess.e.x's beard, check out a portrait of the earl and you'll see on his chin a barbigerous bulk that makes the poor fellow look like an Elizabethan cross between two Sams: Uncle and Yosemite. When we piece together these Renaissance shards, we see something otherwise invisible in the Support Our Troops culture we inhabit: the soldier as a subject of lampoon, not reflexive and solemn praise. His oaths make him sound like a madman. His beard makes him look like an idiot. And his wors.h.i.+p of honor and pursuit of renown lead him to where only a fool would go by choice-straight into the firing line. It turns out that for Jaques-for Shakespeare-the Fourth Age of Man is as ridiculous as the three that came before it.

Exhuming the bones of a faded culture isn't the only way to sense Jaques' sardonic tone. The words he uses and the way he arranges them also hint at his perspective. The soldier's oaths are strange strange, an adjective that in Shakespeare almost always means "abnormal," "so unusual that it's astonis.h.i.+ng"; certainly his pardine chin-beard is all that, too. He's jealous jealous-excessively, even suspiciously, vigilant about or devoted to his code of honor. His anger is sudden sudden: shocking, surprising, perhaps even unmotivated, and there's a capriciousness in the sound of the alliterative qu qu's of quick in quarrel quick in quarrel. These details give us a noisy and eccentric firebrand-I see in my mind's eye a Napoleonic sort, a beribboned, bewhiskered bantamweight of a guy, all chin up and chest out, all hair-trigger and in your face-but it's the next details that tell us he's truly nuts. The fourth line in the image insists that what the soldier values above all is reputation reputation, which for Jaques is an attribute entirely devoid of value. It's but a bubble bubble, something trivial and empty, something fragile, temporary, and easily destroyed. And reputation reputation scans with five syllables here- scans with five syllables here-REP-you-TAY-sheeun-a fact that somehow puts the whole idea in quotation marks and lends it an affected, preposterous aspect. More absurd than the bubble itself is the precise location where the soldier seeks it, a place set up by a superbly provocative line ending after reputation reputation: Seeking the bubble reputation(Where?-Ready?-Really want to know?-Okay, then)Even in the cannon's mouth.

Who but a nincomp.o.o.p would willingly, recklessly look there?

The Third Age was about swoons and breathlessness, and the Fifth will comprise corpulence and pompous tedium. At least this Fourth Age, despite its fatuousness, is a time of energy and physical vigor. The Bardisms below, then, include not only Shakespeare on the Soldier's Occasions, those life events concerning combativeness, courage, victories, and losses, but they also glance at Shakespeare on the Occasions of Life's Vibrant Years, those times of productivity and achievement, professional conduct, and personal accomplishment.

SHAKESPEARE ON SOLDIERS To th' wars, my boy, to th' wars!

-PAROLLES, All's Well That Ends Well All's Well That Ends Well, 2.3.262 Most of Shakespeare's soldiers are cut from cloth different from the one Jaques talks about. Their cloth is not buffoonish, but is instead distinctly crimson in hue. In Henry V Henry V, for example, soldiers "nothing do but meditate on blood." In Richard II Richard II, they open "the purple testament of bleeding war." In Macbeth Macbeth, their weapons have "smoked with b.l.o.o.d.y execution." Usually, when Shakespeare thinks soldier soldier, he writes violence violence, blood blood, and death death.

Usually, but not always. Sprinkled throughout the canon are a small number of speeches that portray a third kind of soldier, a man who is neither a foolish braggart nor a killing machine. These speeches frame a figure of upstanding morals, das.h.i.+ng countenance, refined carriage, abundant bravery, and consummate charm. Shakespeare's model soldiers represent the best of the European aristocratic military tradition. They are exemplars of that tradition's highest values, which are summed up in a famous volume scholars know Shakespeare read: Balda.s.sare Castiglione's Renaissance cla.s.sic, The Book of the Courtier The Book of the Courtier.

Castiglione was an eminent Italian diplomat who began his career in the court of the Duke of Urbino, a scintillating place of unparalleled cultural, artistic, and intellectual sophistication. The Book of the Courtier The Book of the Courtier distills the essence of Urbino's charms, and spells out the qualities that make it the ideal Renaissance court. Chief among them is the presence of countless Renaissance gentlemen, perfect specimens who are, in short, everything you'd want your son to grow up to be. Their defining attribute, the most important ingredient of the ideal chivalric life, is something called in Italian distills the essence of Urbino's charms, and spells out the qualities that make it the ideal Renaissance court. Chief among them is the presence of countless Renaissance gentlemen, perfect specimens who are, in short, everything you'd want your son to grow up to be. Their defining attribute, the most important ingredient of the ideal chivalric life, is something called in Italian sprezzatura sprezzatura. The word is almost impossible to render in English, except by making reference to the defining characteristics of the Count of Monte Cristo, or James Bond, or, ironically, Shakespeare's own perfect soldiers. Sprezzatura Sprezzatura has to do with effortlessness, ease in all situations, the ability to make even the most arduous task seem casual, and a knack for seeming to do the most challenging things without devoting to them any preparation or even a moment's thought. Shakespeare's soldiers have has to do with effortlessness, ease in all situations, the ability to make even the most arduous task seem casual, and a knack for seeming to do the most challenging things without devoting to them any preparation or even a moment's thought. Shakespeare's soldiers have sprezzatura sprezzatura to spare, and when you have occasion to talk about anyone in the service, you can turn to them for the words you'll need. to spare, and when you have occasion to talk about anyone in the service, you can turn to them for the words you'll need.

HE DISTINGUISHED HIMSELF IN BATTLE Here's Shakespeare for the Occasion of the Honorable Discharge, or the Medal-Pinning Ceremony, or even the Admiring Salute.

He hath done good service, lady, in these wars.-MESSENGER, Much Ado About Nothing Much Ado About Nothing, 1.1.40 How to say it: If your sprezzaturish soldier is a woman, then start with If your sprezzaturish soldier is a woman, then start with She She, and if the person you're talking to is no lady, then subst.i.tute sirrah sirrah (SEER-ah) or (SEER-ah) or fellow fellow, or, to avoid gender altogether, try truly truly.

LET'S FURTHER THINK ON THIS...When journalistic panjandrum Ted Koppel watched American troops drive their tanks into Iraq at the start of Operation Iraqi Freedom, he quoted Henry V Henry V-or what he said was Henry V Henry V; it was actually Julius Caesar Julius Caesar, but Ted still gets an A for effort-when he turned to the camera and gravely said, "Wreak havoc and unleash the dogs of war." Okay, so the actual quote begins Cry havoc Cry havoc, not wreak wreak, and it's let slip let slip the dogs, not the dogs, not unleash unleash. Whatever. A hat tip to Ted for finding a Bardism for the most unlikely of occasions.

PLEASE DON'T LET MY BELOVED SOLDIER GET INJURED The folks back on the home front always worry sick about their brave sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, and mothers and fathers on the front lines. This Bardism is Shakespeare's expression of the prayer in their hearts, Shakespeare on the Occasion of a Loved One in Harm's Way: O you leaden messengersThat ride upon the violent speed of fire,Fly with false aim, cleave the still-piecing airThat sings with piercing, do not touch my lord.-HELENA, All's Well That Ends Well All's Well That Ends Well, 3.2.10811 In other words: Hear me, you bullets, you lead deliverymen that travel fast on a fiery explosion: miss yo