Silver Metal Lover Part 30

"Do you?"

"I'm superst.i.tious. Most actors are. Yes, I believe in them. My theatre over on Star is supposed to be haunted. If you'd come and be my Hamlet there, you might see the haunt-"

"You give me a good idea," said Clovis. "We can hold a seance here."

Leo laughed. "Here? You're joking."

"Am I?"

Clovis produced the seance table and the gla.s.s and the plastic cards with letters and numbers up to ten.

"Well, it's supposed to be bad luck, isn't it?"

"Lucky for some," said Clovis.

He began to set out the cards.

"I think I'd rather go for a walk," said Leo.

"Fine. Jane and I will have the seance without you."

"Oh."

"Won't we, Jane?" Clovis didn't look at me. Part of me wanted to say: "Do your own dirty work," but it was less complicated to say, however listlessly, "All right."

"Jane doesn't like the idea either," said Leo.

"Yes she does. She adores the idea. Don't you, Jane?"

"Yes, Clovis."

"Doesn't sound like it."

"Dear me," said Clovis, "are you having a migraine attack in the ears, now?"

Clovis sat cross-legged on the rug. A little dull pain went through and through me. I thought of the seance with Austin directly after I had seen Silver for the very first time.

"Jane," said Clovis, "do come here and show Leo there's really nothing to be afraid of."

I got up and went over, and sat down. I looked at the cut-gla.s.s goblet. Leo had moved to the window.

Clovis said to me, extra quietly, "Don't ask me why, but push a bit, will you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I did say don't-"

"Oh, h.e.l.l," said Leo. "All right." He came over and sat down with us, running his hand over Clovis's hair as he did so, and I saw Clovis wince.

We all put one finger on the gla.s.s. Inside me, the pain swelled on a long slow chord. But I had no urge to do anything about it, for there was nothing to be done. My eyes unfocused. I seemed to retreat inside myself, somewhere distant. I ignored the tiny voice which cried: If only this were the first time again. If only I could go back.

"Jesus Christ," said Clovis, far away, but in a tone of abject awe, "it's moving."

No, I really couldn't stay with Clovis anymore. I really couldn't take any more of this sort of thing, this game. His dishonesty, this fear of his of being loved, of loving- The gla.s.s moved steadily and strongly.

"It's spelling something," said Leo.

You fool. It's spelling Leo, get lost.

"J.," said Leo, "A.-Jane it's for you-"

"Special delivery," said Clovis. His voice cracked. He was overdoing it.

"I.," said Leo. "I.? And N." There was a pause and then the gla.s.s moved again. "Same thing all over,"

said Leo. "J.A.I.N. A spirit that can't spell. d.a.m.n. It's getting stronger. There's something really here, Clovis."

"I know," Clovis said. He cleared his throat. "And it wants Jane. Jane? Wake up. You've got a caller.

There it is again. Jain. Who spells your name that way?"

I blinked. The room came back, hurtfully bright with rainy light and sharp with other lives.

"What? What do you mean?"

"Who spells Jane J.A.I.N.?"

"No one."

The gla.s.s moved.

"It's going somewhere else," said Leo, the faithful commentator, as though he were broadcasting for a performance where the visual had blacked out and everything must be described. "Y.O...U."

"You," said Clovis.

"I don't exactly-" said Leo.

"I do," said Clovis. "Jane says no one spells her name with an I., and it said: You do."

"Idon't," said Leo.

"Oh for G.o.d's sake," said Clovis. "Shedoes."

"This is turning into farce," said Leo.

"J.A.I.N." said Clovis. The gla.s.s flew. "T.H.E. S.O.U.N.D.O.F.R.A.I.N.F.A.L.L.I.N.G.S.I.L.K.E.N.

G.R.A.I.N.P.A.L.E.C.H.A.I.N.-this is gibberish-the sound of rain falling? Silk? Grain? Wholewheat b.l.o.o.d.y bread-"

The gla.s.s stopped under our fingers.

I shut my eyes.

"Clovis," I said, "when did you go through my things and read my ma.n.u.script?"

"With your writing, reading any ma.n.u.script of yours would be unlikely."

I opened my eyes and made myself look at him. His face was terribly white, unlike Leo's, which was flushed and excited.

"Clovis, why are you doing this? Is it spite? Or are you trying to help in some stupid tactless-"

The gla.s.s moved. I saw Clovis's face drain even whiter; he stared back at it as if it had loudly spoken to him.

"It isn't me," he said.

"It's you."

"It says," said Leo, "The idea is-the idea is for me-for me to-A.M.U.S.-"

"Amuse you," said Clovis, antic.i.p.ating.

The gla.s.s shot across the table.

"T.H.A.N.K.-Thanks," said Leo, disbelievingly. "Clovis, have you rigged this table?"

"Not recently," said Clovis. He took his hand away from the gla.s.s, and lay down full length on the rug.

"We know who it is. Don't we, Jane?"

"Jane, don't leave me alone with this thing," said Leo, as I moved my own hand away.

"You can take your hand off, too, Leo," I said. "It can go on moving without any help." I was angry. The first emotion I'd felt for centuries. "There's a magnet in the gla.s.s and wires in the table. And you can set up a program."

Clovis gave a croaking laugh.

"How would a program know when to say "Thank you" so sarcastically?" he said. "Jane, you think too much."

The gla.s.s spun under Leo's hand.

"C," he said, "O.-" and presently: "Cogito ergo-I think, therefore I am-no. What's this? Cogito ergooops !" Leo laughed. "How true." He lifted his hand gingerly from the gla.s.s. The gla.s.s raced around the table. Leo watched it admiringly. I watched with hard lumps of fury in my mind and heart.

"P.R.O.O.F.," said Leo. "Proof-for-Jain. S.O.N.G.Song ."

I turned away, and Leo read out to me painstakingly, letter by letter, and then word by word, and with pride: "Inside the pillar of white fire, "Staring G.o.d in the face, "Liking his courtesy and grace, "Afraid of his knowing eyes.

" 'Who told you I was unkind?'

"G.o.d, you're so very burning bright "I don't want to fight- "I'd be a fool to fight- " Then put the pistol down " 'And put up the sword.'

"I never said a word, "I did as I was told.

"And when the stars turned cold "He warmed me with his smile."

The gla.s.s stopped.

"Mmm," said Leo. "Do I know it?"

"No," I said. "n.o.body knows it. He-he knew it, I said it over to him. But I never wrote it down. I thought of it in Musicord-Ectrica, the night we came out and stood in the snow and the news visual about E.M. came on-I told him the words. He never forgot any lyric. He was programmed not to forget. But I forgot. Until now. I never wrote it down. Not in the ma.n.u.script. Not anywhere. Clovis, how did you know?"

"It isn't me, Jane," Clovis said, lying on the floor, his stone white face turned up to the ceiling.

The gla.s.s moved. I leaned toward it.

"Are you here?" I said. "How can you be here?"

JAIN, the gla.s.s said. I waited as it spelled out letters.

"I'm part of you," I said, what the gla.s.s had spelled for me. "But-" I said. "A ghost, a soul-"

Surprise, he said to me, through the gla.s.s.

"Where are you?" I said.

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Leo was sitting back, staring at me, then at Clovis.

"I don't want to live without you," I said. My voice was desolate and small. I didn't even know if I credited what was happening, but by now I couldn't stop myself. "Silver, I don't want to live here alone."

You'll see me again, the gla.s.s said.We've been together on several previous occasions. Must mean something .

"Silver-Silver-"

I care about leaving you, but there isn't much choice.

"When will I-when will I see you again?"

Oh, no, lady. You're trying to get me to predict your own death.

"But-"

I love you. You're beautiful. Stay beautiful and live my life for me.

"Don't go-"

It doesn't matter, Jain, Jaen, Jane. There's all of time, as you know it, as it really is. What's a lifetime to that?

"I shan't still believe this when you go."