Doctor Who_ The Romans Part 2

PS. If you have not, then please disregard this letter. If you have not, then please disregard this letter.

DOc.u.mENT X.

Fourth Extract from The Doctor's Diary Another myth exploded! Not all roads lead to Rome by any means, and Vicki and I have had much ado to find the place: our false friend and guide, the centurion, having left the tavern whilst I was still busy with breakfast, without saying goodbye, and without, as I later discovered, troubling to settle his account with the management! Is this an example of the Stoical Roman Virtue one hears so highly praised? Another myth exploded! Not all roads lead to Rome by any means, and Vicki and I have had much ado to find the place: our false friend and guide, the centurion, having left the tavern whilst I was still busy with breakfast, without saying goodbye, and without, as I later discovered, troubling to settle his account with the management! Is this an example of the Stoical Roman Virtue one hears so highly praised?

I was thus under the necessity of paying for three three rooms, et cetera, in order to redeem my lyre from the proprietress, who remarked nastily that she had met my sort before. I believe her to be mistaken in this, but was naturally in no position to argue, and I find the whole episode outrageous! rooms, et cetera, in order to redeem my lyre from the proprietress, who remarked nastily that she had met my sort before. I believe her to be mistaken in this, but was naturally in no position to argue, and I find the whole episode outrageous!

Should we meet the man again I shall certainly speak to him extremely sharply; and if he is unwilling to repay his debt to rne, then I must seriously consider reporting his behaviour to the Emperor, whose emissary he claims to be.

However, after many an irritating detour, we eventually achieved the Appian Way; and after this had little difficulty in reaching the City itself, except for that occasioned by dodging the racing wheels of several chariot squadrons, whose drivers appeared to have little or no road sense - or patience either, come to that, since they continually lashed out at each other with horse-whips in what seemed to me to be a thoroughly indisciplined manner, and with small regard for the convenience of pedestrians. Here is another circ.u.mstance which I must certainly bring to Nero's attention at the earliest opportunity, for such behaviour can only have an adverse effect on the Empire's reputation for 'gravitas'.

But what of Rome itself? I am prepared to allow that it cannot have been built in a day, since there is such a lot of it; but feel that it will probably be improved by the lapse of a few more centuries, when the popular mellowing effect of Time may have reduced the somewhat Cyclopean modern architecture to a more picturesquely ruinous condition, compatible with a melancholy mourning for departed glories and vanished splendours. At the moment it is brash, to say the least!

High-rise temples, where priests ponder their impenetrable penetralia, impossibly jostle with unimaginably impractical palaces, fumbling for a foothold amongst a crawling sprawl of tenebrous tenements; inimical, I would say, to any proper sense of community in the populace, who seem for the most part an ill-kempt lot and ripe for revolution, if the Praetorian Guards were prepared to let them get on with it!

Wis.h.i.+ng to purchase provisions for my importunate young protegee, I asked one of the latter if he could direct us to the market place; and having unscrambled his patronising ablative absolutes and plumbed his disgruntled gerundives, we came at length to an amenity area where some kind of an auction was about to begin. However, it soon became apparent that we were in the wrong department, for not a vegetable was on display: and, on consulting the auctioneer, a drunken functionary named Sevcheria, I quickly realised that we had unwittingly stumbled into the slave market. Not wis.h.i.+ng Vicki to witness so degrading a spectacle, I was hustling her towards the exit - none too gently, I fear - when the slaves themselves, those wretched victims of an outworn social system, were paraded onto a platform, and the bidding started.

One of them, a really quite handsome but woebegone young woman, bore some slight resemblance to Barbara - although the latter, I am sure, would never have consented to appear in public in so dishevelled a condition! However, the similarity was sufficient to give me further cause for self-congratulation that I had had the wisdom to leave Miss Wright at the villa, where she can come to no possible harm.

The slave-girl appeared to sense my interest, and waved at me frantically; but I nevertheless rejected Sevcheria's insulting invitation to make him an offer for the poor woman; and before hurrying out after Vicki, I saw her purchased by a really ill-favoured fellow who gave his name as Tavius. I shudder to imagine what her future life will be like in the service of such a creature!

I have made a note to take up the case of all such unfortunates, as soon as I am alone with Nero...

DOc.u.mENT XI.

First Extract from the Commonplace Book of Poppea Sabina Book of Poppea Sabina Do I really like like being Empress of Rome, I wonder? Of course, it being Empress of Rome, I wonder? Of course, it does does make me the richest and most influential woman in the whole known world, and that is make me the richest and most influential woman in the whole known world, and that is something something, I suppose. But we have to set against it the fact that the one essential essential qualification for the job is that I be married to the Emperor and Nero is qualification for the job is that I be married to the Emperor and Nero is zero zero, in every sense of the word!

Oh, what a fool I was to allow myself to be wooed and won by all that romantic nonsense he gave me about having just poisoned his mother! Because he didn't even do that that himself no, he left the whole business to Locusta as usual and even then it seems that the old battle-axe had to be finished off with blunt instruments after she swam ash.o.r.e from the funeral barge! himself no, he left the whole business to Locusta as usual and even then it seems that the old battle-axe had to be finished off with blunt instruments after she swam ash.o.r.e from the funeral barge!

Just big talk, that's all it was lover's lies to turn a young girl's head; but innocent as I am, I trusted him, and now there's no way out but the vein in the bath or the asp in the bosom, and I don't fancy that, thank you!

Unless... unless I get him him first, of course... But, heigh-ho, these are only idle dreams, for I am but a poor weak woman with only one pair of hands, and must leave all that kind of rough stuff to some disaffected officer or other. first, of course... But, heigh-ho, these are only idle dreams, for I am but a poor weak woman with only one pair of hands, and must leave all that kind of rough stuff to some disaffected officer or other.

How fortunate that most of the Household Cavalry are my lovers, and prepared to do anything for me, on the usual terms.

Well, we shall just have to see how my whimsy wafts me - but a regular old butcher's shop of an a.s.sa.s.sination, like when Uncle Caligula got his his... That would be fun now, wouldn't it?

But I mustn't ramble artlessly on like this, because there is a more immediate problem which distracts me. For some time I have been aware that Nero has been recruiting into my personal retinue of hand-maidens, slaves of a more than usual comeliness, and I suspect his motives. Can he be planning to deceive me with one, or all of them? Would he dare? And has he the strength?

Another one arrived this morning, introduced into my quarters by the cretinous and altogether loathsome Tavius, the palace staff-gatherer; a man whose very presence fills me with the sort of nausea I normally reserve for my husband. The girl was obviously so overjoyed to be released from the clutches of this unpleasant excrescence that she appeared to accept the conditions of service - namely, death on departure, and no nonsense about days off - without demur, and only the smallest, barely perceptible shudder. But I wonder... There is a look about her of suppressed resentment, which might well mature to mutiny, given half a chance. And her name, which is Barbara, has - well - Barbarian overtones, so to speak.

I was mulling over these and related matters, whilst simultaneously instructing her in her duties, when Nero entered the room on the pretext of wis.h.i.+ng to speak to me.

But as usual he had nothing to say, and merely sat there, idly flicking a frenetic plectrum across his lyre with such petulance as to snap the G-string.

In itself this might have been nothing. However, since the catastrophe occurred as he was regarding Barbara with a look of licentious lasciviousness on his fat features I could only suppose the incidents to be somehow related.

My suspicions were almost immediately confirmed, when on my sending the girl from the room with a tray of tea-things, he made some spurious excuse about feeling a poem coming on, and followed her into the corridor. Only seconds later my ears were pierced by the cras.h.i.+ng of smashed crockery and a semi-stifled scream. I glanced rapidly after them to find the girl had disappeared about her business, leaving my husband ankle-deep in fragments of priceless Etruscan cups; which, on becoming conscious of my presence, he tried vainly to conceal beneath the hem of his toga. In one hand he held a dented tray, and in the other a bent b.u.t.tered scone; and, alas, 'twas with the latter that he attempted to blow me an ingratiating kiss, to the ludicrous detriment of that gesture.

But in any case, I am no longer to be disarmed by such elephantine gallantry.

Was ever an Empress so wronged and humiliated?

Heigh-ho!

DOc.u.mENT XII.

Fourth Extract from the Journal of Ian Chesterton Chesterton My premonition of impending doom has proved to be correct! The galley foundered when almost in sight of Ostia! Strange how often these inexplicably instinctive feelings come from nowhere to warn us, when it's far too late to do anything at all about them. Science cannot explain the phenomenon; and neither can I, not being sufficiently interested perhaps.

At all events, no sooner had a bolt from the black flattened the main-mast which, happily, collapsed on the galley-master, spattering his odious remains impartially about the bilges than a rain of splintered spars from above, and a lancing of fanged rocks from below pierced the already straining and complaining hull in so many water-spouting places that some sixth sense told me we were about to sink!

Which we forthwith did; to the accompaniment of the sighs of the dying and the whingeing of the injured.

Then how, you may ask, have I survived to continue my action-packed narrative? Well, Headmaster, if you have been paying attention, you will perhaps remember that my last entry in this journal told of the giant Greek, Delos; whose interminable and vainglorious tales of his prowess in the field of amateur athletics have subsequently abominably bored me? I mean, if it hasn't been flogging, keel-hauling, or short rations, it's been 'Did I ever tell you about the time I won the...' whatever it was! No, simply not on, that sort of thing, in my opinion. However, as the s.h.i.+p disintegrated about our very ears, this loutish loud-mouth was inspired to whisper into one of them that now was our chance!

I looked at him blankly - rather in the manner of Jack Benny regarding Rochester - the 'slow burn', I think it's called - for try as I might, I could detect no chance at all of any outcome to our present predicament other than dismemberment in the wretched wreckage, or drowning in the foul and furious foam. If asked to express a preference, I would probably have opted for the latter, and I said as much. But really, I told him, the matter was of little consequence; and my only serious concern was that, whatever the cause of death, I trusted that the Fates would find it convenient to expedite the business, as there seemed no further point in hanging around.

At this he asked me if I would mind standing up for a moment; and on my complying, somewhat grumpily I fear, with his request, he gripped our rowing bench in his spatulate hands, and wrenching it from its protesting sockets, sprang sideways through a convenient newly-opened hole in the woodwork, muttering sepulchrally 'Follow me!'

I could do little else, being chained to this particular s.h.i.+p's timber by every limb; and presently found myself floundering in his wake as he ploughed through the fish-infested elements towards the dimly visible, far distant, surf-encrusted coast-line in what I took to be a gentleman's freestyle breast-stroke.

I mention fish, because in next to no time I was bitten painfully by a marauding specimen of the filthy brutes - a mackerel, possibly, or a hake, but I have little knowledge of icthyology - at which, I fear, I fainted; although mercifully maintaining buoyancy by virtue of the afore-mentioned thwart.

So, once again, I knew no more; until, this time, I found myself lying on a beach, half smothered in sand and seaweed, the claws of a lobster or some such crustacean protruding from a hole in my toga, while my moronic rescuer snapped the links of our fetters between his terrifying teeth! Or so I supposed in my semi-conscious condition - but it does appear, Headmaster, that metal-bending was was one of his optional subsidiary subjects in the Pentathlon. one of his optional subsidiary subjects in the Pentathlon.

He then suggested that we should head north; pointing out that in the event of recapture, the statutory penalty for escape from a galley was - you've guessed it, Headmaster - death. As, I would like to know, what other penalties are are there, in this G.o.dforsaken country? there, in this G.o.dforsaken country?

But I am made of heavier mental mettle than he; and have insisted that, no matter what the consequences, we hold our course for Rome - where I pray that I may yet be in time to rescue your history mistress from whatever awaits her in that renownedly degenerate city.

I would also, as you can imagine, like a word or two with the Doctor, whose inane eccentricities have heaped these inconveniences upon us.

I remain - or at least such bits of me do as have been neglected by the Denizens of the Deep - your vilely abused, Ian Chesterton, B.Sc.

DOc.u.mENT XIII.

First Selection of Jottings from Nero's Sc.r.a.pbook Sc.r.a.pbook

An Ode to Barbara Fair Barbara! When with fluent pen I write a poem once again In praise of Barbara, ( Good! Good! ) I wish her trisyllabic name ) I wish her trisyllabic name Were Doris, Ann, Irene, or Jane Or even Martha, ( ? ? ) ) So that my lost And tempest-tossed ( Excellent!!! Excellent!!! ) Unhappy Muse could flout the frost ) Unhappy Muse could flout the frost And storm and form of ( What? There must be a word.. Anapaest? Perhaps... must What? There must be a word.. Anapaest? Perhaps... must look it up look it up) And enter harbour ( Oh, the tyranny of rhyme! Oh, the tyranny of rhyme! ) As though embalmed within my arms ) As though embalmed within my arms Like pigeons perched in potted palms ( Where? Where? ) Upon the Costa Brava! ( ) Upon the Costa Brava! ( Of course!!! Of course!!! ) Not bad! No, not bad at all, really! I bet Ovid couldn't have written that! All a question of imagery really. d.a.m.n! Wait ) Not bad! No, not bad at all, really! I bet Ovid couldn't have written that! All a question of imagery really. d.a.m.n! Wait - I am not entirely sure whether the Costa Brava is part of my Empire at the moment. Bother! If it isn't I shall have to send some general or other to capture it at once, as I do not intend to alter a rhyme so perfectly suited to the delicacy of the sentiments I wish to express; nor, of course, could I ever tolerate the bestowing of such immortality upon a location not under my Imperial aegis.

( Note for future reference Note for future reference 'Aegis' would rhyme well with 'Aegis' would rhyme well with 'Bognor Regis', but I cannot remember if I have invaded Britain recently. I must look at the coloured map on the bathroom wall. If not, then perhaps 'sieges' would serve as an alternative; or is it too obvious?) Oh, but how can I be expected to remember anything anything, when I am in the grip of such an ecstatic pa.s.sion as that which inflames my bosom at the time of writing?

( Is Is it pa.s.sion, or have I been poisoned again by some ill-wisher? The symptoms of love and a.r.s.enic are in many respects identical, and never susceptible of easy a.n.a.lysis. it pa.s.sion, or have I been poisoned again by some ill-wisher? The symptoms of love and a.r.s.enic are in many respects identical, and never susceptible of easy a.n.a.lysis.

The loss of appet.i.te, the dull coat, and the palpitations.

The general listlessness... yes, I must consult my toxicologist, Locusta, when I've got a moment. She is sure to know; and with her for a friend one hardly needs an enema. Good joke that! Must try it on Juvenal at my forthcoming symposium of the Arts - and if he doesn't laugh, the fellow's for it! Ask him how his Juvenilia's coming along - he hates that!) But returning to the inflammation of the pectoral region (see above), I am reasonably sure that it must be love this time; for seldom in a life devoted to the gratification of my base desires and unbridled l.u.s.ts have I met so sensual-seeming a seductress as the slave-girl, Barbara. And what is more, I dare to hope that the feeling is mutual; for why otherwise should she have greeted my first attempt to embrace her with such a provocative scream? Or indeed, crowned me with a tea-tray, the fiery-tempered little rogue?

Oh, how I admire a woman of spirit! It makes their eventual conquest so much more agreeable, and their subsequent death so satisfactory all round.

In fact, that is what first attracted me to my present wife, Poppea - although so long ago that it now seems unreal. Must be all of twelve months, I suppose, since I first resolved to make her mine. She had a certain shark-infested beauty in those days, and I used to call her 'Poppy'. Well, I still do, of course, but not with much enthusiasm. No, she seems to have gone soft, and devotes herself entirely to good works. She's always ready to put up a Praetorian guard who's forgotten the curfew. In fact, I have even known her to visit the barracks at all hours of the night, just to see if there might be any young recruit feeling the cold.

This sort of thing is getting her a good, albeit, short-name; and it must stop before my own authority is undermined. She is becoming altogether too popular with the men, and if I cannot depend on their loyalty I am lost; because for some reason n.o.body seems to like me much...

Later: I was right - I can depend on no one! Tigillinius, the deaf-mute slave I keep around for laughs, has just informed me in his impeccable sign-language that the Corinthian musician, Maximus Petullian, craves an audience of me! How can this be (and why, incidentally, can't he attract an audience of his own?) when only yesterday I despatched my most trusted centurion and the a.s.sa.s.sin Ascaris, of whom he spoke so highly, to make an end of the fellow? Have I been betrayed, or are they simply inefficient?

Well, I suppose I shall have to see the man if he is still alive, or my reputation as a patron of the Arts will surely suffer. But this meeting is one I have been anxious to avoid, as I detest being bearded in my lion's den (now, there's a happy thought!) by the compet.i.tion.

Oh, the loneliness of power...

DOc.u.mENT XIV.

Fourth Letter from Legionary (Second Cla.s.s) Ascaris Cla.s.s) Ascaris Dear Mum, The Fates have smiled upon me in my sewer, and about time too, wouldn't you say? Towards dusk I emerged briefly for a breath or two, and was about to sink my scruples once more, when who should I see but my recent victim and late a.s.sailant, the apparently indestructible Maximus Petullian! He appeared to be lecturing some bit of a girl on the architectural heritage in which we all take a pride; and as he seemed to be off his guard for once, I resolved to follow him with the stealth for which I am a catch-phrase, and was in time to see him enter your actual palace, bold as you please!

Well, he is going to regret that, I can tell you; for just as soon as I can purchase another dagger, I shall be about his person with it, and so redeem my fallen fortunes.

There being a queue at the armourers, I take this opportunity of letting you know my intentions, and remain Your resourceful boy, Ascaris.

PS. Why do you never reply to my letters? Have I offended you in some way? Why do you never reply to my letters? Have I offended you in some way?

DOc.u.mENT XV.

Fifth Extract from the Doctor's Diary A curious incident! A curious incident!

On presenting ourselves at Nero's palace, Vicki and I were not at first able to attract any attention; but after some time spent in examining the plunder of Gloria Mundi, with which the entrance hall was crammed to such an extent as to make movement difficult, I inadvertently knocked over a status of Venus, thereby severing both its arms; and I was then at once approached by a court official who looked at me enquiringly.

I introduced myself as Maximus Petullian, and stated my business not an easy matter under the circ.u.mstances.

But my speech had been well rehea.r.s.ed in antic.i.p.ation of the occasion; and after some five minutes I fancied I had covered most of the relevant facts material to my purpose, namely an interview with the Emperor, who, I had reason to believe, was expecting me.

The official no longer looked enquiring, but merely blank; and having done so, pointed in turn to his ears and his mouth. I looked at them closely, but found nothing at all remarkable to justify the gesture; until Vicki suggested that the man might be deaf and dumb. This ridiculous theory proved to be correct, and meant that I had wasted a good deal of valuable time; but fortunately I am well acquainted with the rudiments of sign language, and so was able to repeat my introductory remarks in mime.

At this he nodded with complete understanding, and indicated that we should take our seats on a singularly uncomfortable marble bench, fas.h.i.+oned in the shape of two obese babies - Romulus and Remus, presumably - being suckled by an irritable looking she-wolf, while he went to inform his master of our presence.

It was while we were thus engaged that we were approached by the very centurion who only that morning had bilked me of the price of bed and board; and I was rebuking the fellow roundly, when he laughed in an unpleasant manner, grabbed me by the lapels of my toga, and hauled me to my feet, breathing garlic in my face, and making no offer of rest.i.tution.

Now, as is well known, I am not to be trifled with in such a way, and I instantly gave him a push of such force as to precipitate him backwards on to the seat I had just vacated.

And now occurred the curious incident of which I wrote at the beginning of this entry: I was rolling up my sleeves in case of further fisticuffs when, through the tapestry behind the bench there emerged an arm holding a dagger, which it buried to the hilt between the centurion's shoulder-blades, or scapuli!

As usual, Vicki screamed - and I do wish she wouldn't, as it tends to attract unwelcome attention. However, as the man fell forwards onto his unpleasantly contorted face, I at once drew aside the curtain; and to my astonishment revealed the b.e.s.t.i.a.l form of the a.s.sa.s.sin Ascaris - he who had so ineffectively a.s.saulted me in my bedroom the previous evening!

For a moment he stood there, looking at the fallen form of his officer with what I can only describe as horror and dawning remorse; and then with a loud cry of 'Oh, my cripes! That's torn it, that has!' he left the premises by the main entrance at a stumbling run, and disappeared into the gathering darkness.

I felt it prudent not to follow, having already had occasion to observe of what villainy he tries so hard to be capable; and was in the process of concealing the body, when a firm hand descended on my shoulder - but rather to my surprise in a congratulatory rather than an accusative manner - and a hoa.r.s.e voice whispered 'Well done, Max!'

I turned to encounter the unsavoury gaze of the toad, Tavius, who had last been observed purchasing the slave-girl who resembled Barbara, some hours previously. He wasted no further time in civilities, but helped me, winking and chuckling horribly the while, to rearrange the arras over the bleeding remains; and this having been completed to his satisfaction, he informed me sepulchrally that the Emperor would see me now.

Regretfully I decided that Vicki should not accompany me to the presence, at least on this occasion, as she was still sobbing and shuddering convulsively in a way which might well have created a bad impression at a first meeting.

So, instructing her to avail herself of this unrivalled opportunity to explore a palace not normally open to the public, and to meet me by the corpse in an hour's time, I followed my strangely repulsive partner in crime to the Imperial quarters for my first momentous interview - more of which anon.

For the moment I will only add that I begin to suspect I may have become unwittingly involved in some kind of conspiracy - and the thought is not an easy one to live with. It is my most firmly held contention - which I am constantly repeating to Vicki and the others - that we must under no circ.u.mstances ever allow ourselves to be placed in such a situation that we inadvertently alter the course of History! No, our visit to Rome must be purely an educational vacation.

Well, we shall have to see what further transpires, and modify our behaviour accordingly...

DOc.u.mENT XVI.

Fifth Extract from the Journal of Ian Chesterton Chesterton I fear I may have annoyed my enormous companion, Delos, but really there is little I can do to appease the man at the moment. But appease him somehow I must, since he is shortly to be my opponent in a gladiatorial contest; and even were he to enter the arena in a good-humoured and sporting spirit, he would still make a formidable adversary - witness the snapping of chains, and the wrenching of benches - and I do not care to think of what he might be capable were he to be in a really bad temper!

For the last twenty-four hours, however, he has refused to respond to my friendly overtures, and merely sits in a corner of the dungeon where we are detained, muttering and glowering.

Am I going too fast for you, Headmaster? Then perhaps I should explain the concatination of unforseen circ.u.mstances which have brought us to this pretty pa.s.s; and you will then understand, I hope, why my normally high spirits are in abeyance at the moment.

You will remember that after my rescue from s.h.i.+pwreck, I overbore the, what seemed to me, rather craven arguments by which Delos urged me to accompany him in a northerly direction, there to go into hiding until our death by drowning should be a.s.sumed by the authorities? But not for me the life of the fugitive! And I insisted, perhaps perhaps unwisely as it now appears, that instead we should head directly for Rome, where I intended to strain every sinew not already ruptured by my recent experiences, in a search for my unfortunate colleague, Barbara Wright. unwisely as it now appears, that instead we should head directly for Rome, where I intended to strain every sinew not already ruptured by my recent experiences, in a search for my unfortunate colleague, Barbara Wright.

And in spite of the outcome, I still still maintain that under the then circ.u.mstances this was the correct and honourable course of action, and that morally speaking I could have adopted no other, as I'm sure you will agree. maintain that under the then circ.u.mstances this was the correct and honourable course of action, and that morally speaking I could have adopted no other, as I'm sure you will agree.

However, on arriving at the gates of the Eternal City - or is that Jerusalem, I can never remember - the ill-fortune which, since my first meeting with the Doctor, has followed at my heels like an unwanted timber-wolf, once more took over the control of my affairs, and quickly slipped me the staccato tomato - if you will forgive the somewhat mixed metaphor.