How To Rescue A Dead Princess Part 30

Chapter 24.

Maturity Wasteland (a) IT DIDN'T work, and Randall fell to his death.

~The End~ (b) IT DIDN'T work, and Randall fell to his death.

~The End~ (c) AS RANDALL fell, he knew that doing anything would be pretty much a waste of time, since the Fates control our actions anyway. And it was the correct choice, for the Fates saw fit to have him land on a section of mountain rock that had been magically transformed into rubber several years ago on a bet that was never paid off and resulted in a broken friends.h.i.+p. He bounced off it and landed on another section of rock that was not rubber, but was thin enough that he broke right through, falling several feet into a reservoir of cold water and immediately getting sucked into a whirlpool. At the tip of the whirlpool, he was hurtled into a very narrow underground cave, where he crawled amongst the stalact.i.tes and stalagmites in total darkness, until the rock collapsed beneath him again, dropping him into a tar pit. Fortunately, this pit hadn't been filled with tar recently, and he climbed out to be swallowed whole by a Slime Worm, which burrowed its way through the rock to the surface and then spat Randall out over the edge of the mountain. He landed on a makes.h.i.+ft catapult that had been used decades ago in the infamous Catapult-Your-Parents games, sending him flying high into the air and landing in front of Jenstina's door several inches from where he'd fallen in the first place.

Still a bit shaky from his experience, he fell off the mountain again and went through the procedure a second time.

"You done?" Yvonne asked, as he landed next to her.

"I'm done," said Randall. "Did you already knock?"

"No. You should have said something if you wanted me to take care of that while you were gone." Yvonne reached out and grabbed hold of the ring on the knocker.

The lion's mouth opened. "Let go!"

"What do you mean, let go?" Yvonne asked. "You're here to be knocked upon, aren't you?"

"If you don't get your hand off me, I'm gonna bite you!"

Yvonne removed her hand.

"Show a little respect," said the lion. "If you had a big ring sticking out of your forehead, would you want people bas.h.i.+ng it against your face?"

"No ... I guess not," Yvonne admitted. "I just a.s.sumed that was what it was there for."

"Don't a.s.sume. When you a.s.sume, you make a jerk out of you and me. Now, what do you want?"

"We want to talk to Jenstina," said Randall.

"So what am I supposed to do about it?"

"Well, you were supposed supposed to make a knocking sound which would let Jenstina know that we were standing at the door," said Yvonne. to make a knocking sound which would let Jenstina know that we were standing at the door," said Yvonne.

"Oh, my, haven't we just got this whole thing all planned out as pretty as punch?" said the lion. "I'm glad that you've seen fit to make me part of your delightful little scheme. Ooooh, I'm so so honored! Gosh, I certainly don't mind that I became an integral part of this whole scenario without being asked about it first! What do I care? I'm only a lion's head knocker, right?" honored! Gosh, I certainly don't mind that I became an integral part of this whole scenario without being asked about it first! What do I care? I'm only a lion's head knocker, right?"

"I'm sorry," said Randall. "Will you please let Jenstina know we're here?"

"Ooooh, he said please please! That just makes everything all right, then! One magical word and I'm supposed to leap into your arms and give you a great big hug! Why don't we just get married and stop the charade?"

"Why exactly are you here, then?"

"I'm an ornament."

"You're pretty sarcastic for somebody who's basically worthless," Randall told it.

"What do you mean, worthless? I'm attractive. People like to look at me. I spice up this whole door."

"Yvonne is attractive, too, but if she just hung on a door to be looked at she'd be basically worthless. How many visitors do you get out in these parts? Not too many, I bet."

"We get enough."

"Yeah, right. Your life is a joke."

"You take that back!"

"I won't!"

"Okay, well, what makes your your life so great, then?" life so great, then?"

"I'm on a quest to resurrect Princess Janice of Mosiman. Without her, a realm stretching for six kingdoms will suffer."

"Oh." The lion looked sheepish. "Listen, I'm sorry I gave you so many problems. I don't know what comes over me sometimes. I was on Thorazine, but the prescription ran out, and, well, we never got around to refilling it. You know how it is."

"Of course."

"Hey, J!" the lion shouted. "Some people here want to talk to you! Get your boondocks out here!"

The door swung open, revealing Jenstina the Ogre.

"Wow..." said Yvonne, as she and Randall both stared.

Jenstina looked uncomfortable. "Ummm ... may I help you?"

"Sorry," said Randall. "I guess we didn't expect you to be quite so much of a stud m.u.f.fin."

Jenstina struck a pose that accented his manly body, and gave a smile that accented his handsome face. "I know, I know, ogres are supposed to be grotesque. Well, I always say that you should always try to look your best, which is why I use Momma Helga's Beauty Ooze."

"It's very impressive," said Randall.

"Go on-look me up and down. You'll be glad you did."

Randall and Yvonne looked him over. As Randall's eyes lowered to his sandaled feet, he made an observation. "You don't have any toes."

"Nope. Toes just get in the way."

"I guess it goes without saying that since you don't have any toes, you probably don't have any toenails, either."

"Nothing goes without saying if you're dumb enough."

Randall sighed. "Sorry to have wasted your time. We'll be going as soon as the Dark One teleports us out of here."

"Say, you two wouldn't happen to be interested in seeing my toenail collection, would you?" asked Jenstina. "It's the fourth largest-one in the land! I've got toenails from far and wide! Human toenails! Dwarf toenails! Kiriki toenails! Toenails that have been chewed on! Toenails that have grown so long that they curl around! Hang-toenails! I've got them all!"

"I'd love to see it!" exclaimed Randall.

"Well, come on in!" Jenstina stepped back into his hut, gesturing for Randall and Yvonne to follow. Toenails, thousands of them, hung from the walls, all of them clearly labeled. The dinner table was fas.h.i.+oned from one giant toenail, with a second toenail split into four parts functioning as the legs. The place smelled rather bad, but that had little effect upon its glory.

"This is incredible," said Randall, overcome with emotion. "I mean, I've never seen so many toenails in one place before!"

Jenstina beamed with pride. "I plucked them myself."

Yvonne was truly awestruck. "Amazing. Just amazing." She put her hand on Jenstina's shoulder. "You are truly a great man."

"Thanks," said the ogre. "My father always said, son, you've got to have a purpose in life. His was to cross a moose and a bullfrog."

"What did he hope to get?"

"A really ugly bullfrog."

"So what made you start collecting toenails?"

"Well, I started with fingernails, simply because you see them more frequently on a daily basis. But something was lacking, the spark spark just wasn't there. Then one day I pulled off some guy's toenail by mistake-my morning cider had fermented a little too much, I guess-and there it was! The spark! The thunder! This was what I wanted to do with my life! And here I am, three weeks later." just wasn't there. Then one day I pulled off some guy's toenail by mistake-my morning cider had fermented a little too much, I guess-and there it was! The spark! The thunder! This was what I wanted to do with my life! And here I am, three weeks later."

"Is this stuff insured?" Randall asked.

"You better believe it. For both theft and potential health hazards."

"I want to remember this visit for the rest of my life. Do you give out souvenirs?"

"No."

"Oh, come on. Surely you can part with just one of them."

"No toenail will leave this hut."

"Please?"

"Absolutely not."

"Okay, look, here's the deal," said Randall. "I need one of your toenails to give to the witch Grys.h.!.+ If I don't get it, Princess Janice will stay dead forever! This is vital!"

Jenstina folded his arms. "No."

"Please! You don't understand how important this is!"

"Yes, I do. I just don't care all that much." The ogre thought for a moment. "I guess we'll just have to find a toenail that I haven't had time to grow attached to yet."

"Great! Which one?"

Jenstina held up a pair of pliers. "Yours."

Randall went pale. "I beg your pardon?"

"It's simple. You give me one of your toenails. It becomes mine. I give it back to you. You then own a toenail from Jenstina the Ogre."

"Look, man, you've got toenails everywhere! Why can't you just give me one of them!"

"I don't want to." Jenstina snapped the jaws of the pliers shut. "This is your only chance."

"I've went through a lot of pain these past couple days," said Randall. "But this ... this is just too much. I'm begging you! Don't force me to give up my toenail!"

Yvonne stepped forward. "I love Randall with all of my heart. If I have to make a sacrifice for him, then I will." She kicked off her shoe, and held her foot up to Jenstina. "Take mine."

"Yvonne, you don't have to do this!"

"Yes, I do. I have to do it for us." She looked at the ogre. "You use anesthesia, right?"

Jenstina shook his head.

"Oh ... well ... do it anyway. I will suffer the pain!"

Jenstina lowered the pliers and clamped the jaws shut upon the toenail of Yvonne's big toe. She squeezed her eyes shut. Randall took her hand and held it tight.

"Sacrifice..." she whispered.

"We'll be together always," Randall told her. "Always."

"Always..." Yvonne whispered.

"I love you so very much," Randall said.

"Love..." Yvonne whispered.

"It'll grow back, for crying out loud," said Jenstina.

"Do it!" said Yvonne. "Do it now! Do it while I can feel the love pouring through my being! Do it while the strength of a thousand martyrs flows through my veins, giving me the power to make this eternal sacrifice in the name of Love!"

Jenstina's grip on the pliers tightened.

"The time has come," he said.

"The time is now," Yvonne whispered.

The room seemed to darken. Randall felt an aching in his very soul that he thought might never vanish.

And then....

With all his might....

Or at least most of his might....