How To Rescue A Dead Princess Part 31

Jenstina....

The ogre....

Yanked!

"OW!" screamed Yvonne. "d.a.m.n that hurt! Son of a b.i.t.c.h!" She began limping around the room, wincing with each step. "Criminy! Ow, ow, ow! Freakin' c.r.a.p! Dang!" that hurt! Son of a b.i.t.c.h!" She began limping around the room, wincing with each step. "Criminy! Ow, ow, ow! Freakin' c.r.a.p! Dang!"

"Are you okay, my love?" Randall asked.

"h.e.l.l no I'm not okay! That jerk pulled out my friggin' toenail! Ouch! Jeez, it stings like a b.a.s.t.a.r.d!"

"Here you go," said the ogre, handing the toenail to Randall. "It's a fine specimen. I don't suppose she'd let me have one for my collection?"

"Ow! Farkin' jeepers!"

"No," said Randall, "I wouldn't think so."

POOF!.

Suddenly they were back in the lair of the Dark One.

"Excellent! You got it! That leaves only Shreddriff the Berserker." The Dark One considered that. "Do you think he'll misbehave? Should I have some guards ready to subdue him?"

"Might be a good idea," said Randall. "You never can tell with these berserkers."

"Very well, it shall be done. Now, off with you!"

POOF!.

Suddenly they were on a small island out in the middle of the ocean. Across from them, maybe fifteen feet away, was another small island, containing a palm tree and little else. A man with long, wild hair and filthy rags for clothing stood upon the island, frantically scribbling something on a piece of bark. He rolled up the bark, shoved it into a bottle, then heaved the bottle as far as he could into the ocean. It promptly sank.

"Wooga wooga!" shouted the berserker in frustration. He fell to his knees and began digging.

"That would be our berserker," said Randall.

Shreddriff dug up another bottle, tore a strip of bark from the palm tree, and began writing on it again. Once again he shoved it into the bottle and threw it into the ocean. Once again it sank. "Wooga wooga!"

"Pardon us for interrupting!" Randall called out. "But if you closed up the bottle, it wouldn't sink."

The berserker looked over at Randall and immediately went nutzo, running around the island screaming incoherent babble. He started biting the tree.

Randall and Yvonne exchanged concerned looks. "So, who wants to swim across and say hi?" asked Yvonne.

Shreddriff bit a huge chunk out of the tree, swallowed, and then began jumping up and down, flapping his arms. "Wooga wooga! Wooga wooga!" After a few moments, he calmed down a bit and began breathing deeply. "Breathe in ... breathe out...ahhhh."

"Are you okay?" Randall asked.

The berserker screamed at the top of his lungs and began clawing at the air. Finally he dropped onto his back and closed his eyes. "Just relax ... you're on a sunny beach ... no cares in the world..."

"I hate to disturb you," said Randall. "But we can get you off that island and bring you back to civilization!"

Shreddriff sat up. "Civilization made made me like this!" me like this!"

"Then why were you trying to send messages?"

"To tell those civilized punks I don't need them!" He began screaming and turning cartwheels. Then he ran around the tree a few times, ending with an impressive triple axle.

"We need your help," said Randall. "If you'll come back with us, I'll see to it that you're returned safely."

"Fine, no problem," said the berserker. "But when you swim over here, be careful."

A great white shark thrust its head out of the water and snapped its mighty jaws shut. Then it swam off, satisfied that it had made its point.

"Your turn to sacrifice," Yvonne told Randall.

"Look, we're a little short on disposable limbs," said Randall. "Is there another way over there?"

Shreddriff thought about it. "I guess I could part the waters."

"I'll go for that," said Randall.

"Promise not to call me a show-off?"

"I promise."

"Because the last guy, he called me a show-off."

"I won't call you a show-off."

Shreddriff dramatically raised his arms. The ocean between the two islands parted. Unfortunately, there was still more water beneath that which had been parted. A shark stuck its head out and growled.

"Guess it's too deep," said Shreddriff, lowering his hands. The ocean spilled back into place. Shreddriff began screaming and juggling some bottles that he hurriedly dug up. "Wooga wooga!"

"What does wooga wooga mean?" Randall asked.

"I don't know," said Shreddriff. "I think it's Italian."

Randall pointed at the palm tree. "If you managed to knock that over, we could walk across it!"

Shreddriff looked at the tree. "You've gotta be kidding!"

"It was just an idea."

"I should hope so. Do you know how much work it is to put this thing back up every time it falls over?"

"I can have somebody help you with it," promised Randall.

"All right, all right." Shreddriff gave the tree a good flick with his index finger and it toppled over, landing in the water with a huge splash.

"Ummm," said Randall, "I kind of meant that it was supposed to fall toward toward us." us."

"It's missing details like that which make civilization such a crock," Shreddriff told him.

"If we all swam and met each other half-way, that would reduce our chances of getting eaten by the sharks," said Yvonne.

"Who's worried about the sharks?" asked Shreddriff. "These don't eat humans. I was concerned about getting my clothes all wet. These things weren't inexpensive, you know."

With a sigh, Randall and Yvonne dove into the water and swam over to the other island. "Take my hand so you'll teleport back with us," Randall said to Shreddriff.

"Does it hurt?"

"Nope."

"Will it make my stomach feel gooshy?"

"Not at all."

"Will the sudden change in surroundings startle me?"

"I doubt it."

"Okay."

POOF!.

"Eeep!" said Shreddriff as they reappeared in the lair of the Dark One. "You lied about the gooshy stomach part!"

Several guards immediately grabbed the berserker. "Leave him alone!" Randall shouted. "He's tame ... mostly..."

"So, you have everything you need," said the Dark One. "Now, we shall join forces and rule this entire land!" He extended his wicked hand. "Let us shake to clench the deal!"

Randall reached out and clasped his hand.

"To evil," said the Dark One.

"To your demise," said Randall, yanking his hand away.

And then, all heck broke loose.

Chapter 25.

The Almost-Final Conflict "CAN'T YOU calm that berserker down?" demanded the Dark One. "I missed what the squire said!"

"Wooga wooga!" shouted Shreddriff, kicking one of the guards in the face with a foot that shouldn't have been anywhere near a human face, for reasons of hygiene alone. The other guards struggled to contain him, but were having serious difficulties in doing so.

"He said, 'to your demise,'" Scrivener told the Dark One.

"What? But that's a bad bad thing! Have I joined forces with somebody who doesn't know the difference between good things and bad things?" thing! Have I joined forces with somebody who doesn't know the difference between good things and bad things?"

"Guess so," said Scrivener.

"Then ... kill him! And her! And the berserker! And that bug next time you see it!"

Shreddriff threw one of the guards against the others, knocking all of them to the floor. "Run!" he yelled.

Deciding that the idea had merit, Randall and Yvonne ran for the doorway, with Shreddriff following closely behind. The Dark One stood up and grabbed a huge battle axe that had been resting next to his throne for use in killing mosquitoes. "They shall not escape!" he thundered. "Sound the alarms! Set the traps! Release the termites! It's gonna be Squire s.h.i.+shkabob tonight!"

"Go, Dark One!" yelled Scrivener. "Woo! Woo! Woo!"

Randall & Co. ran down the hall, speeding past several guards. "Where are we headed?" Yvonne asked.

"To rescue the prisoners, and then to find a way out of this place!" said Randall.

"Sounds like a plan. Where are the prisoners?"

"Don't you know? You just came from there!"

"I wasn't paying attention! I was too busy trying to think happy thoughts!"

Shreddriff smiled. "I always like to think of Flippy, the Happy Chipmunk. He could always make me grin with his wild adventures and useful lessons about morality."

Randall picked up his pace. "Forget Flippy! Flee from furious foes first! Faster, fellow fugitive friends, faster!"

"Alas," said Yvonne, "alliteration almost always acts as an annoyance and an ardent aggravation. Any authentic admirable aesthetic attributes are admittedly absent at all articulate a.n.a.lysis. Anyway, abscond and accelerate adequately, allowing apprehension avoidance, admirable acquaintances and accomplices!"

"Big baddie!" said Shreddriff, as a guard that had to have been seven feet tall and three hundred pounds stepped into the hallway in front of them.

"You aren't going anywhere," snarled the guard.

Randall glanced over his shoulder. The Dark One was rus.h.i.+ng at them, battle axe high over his head. "Look!" Randall shouted at the guard. "Psycho lunatic with an axe at six o' clock!"

"Run!" shouted the guard, turning around and fleeing.

"Attention all who serve the forces of evil!" announced a voice through the magical intercom system. "We have a code red!"

"Oh no!" exclaimed the fleeing guard. "That's the bad one!"

"I repeat, we have a code red. Be on the lookout for a squire, in decent physical shape, no noteworthy deformities. With him is a woman, also in good shape, recognizable by the cute way her nose crinkles when she smiles. They are to be terminated with extreme prejudice. Pretend they're those singing elves we all hate. This is your magical announcement system, signing off. Have a productive day!"

At the next intersection, Randall, Yvonne, and Shreddriff veered to the right. Randall gasped as his foot snapped a wire that stretched across the hall. "You have just activated the self-destruct mechanism for this lair of doom," said a perky female voice. "Ka-boom in ten minutes."

They continued running. Another wire snapped. "You have just activated the flooding mechanism for this lair of doom. A dangerously high level of water will begin rus.h.i.+ng through the corridors in five minutes, starting with the prison."