On A Wing And A Prayer Part 30

"What do you mean, what happened?" Rox replied "You know ... after we left. Things were pretty tense ... I hated to leave you there like that," the blonde winced.

"Well, we talked for a bit," Rox said. Sighing deeply, she continued. "Nik, I just don't know what to do. d.a.m.n it! I have feelings for her, but it scares the s.h.i.+t out of me!" she confessed. "Nikki ... help me out here. This isn't exactly my area of expertise."

"And you think it's mine?" Nikki asked sarcastically.

"Come on Nikki ... you're attracted to women ... tell me - how am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to act? What am I supposed to do now?" she asked, all fl.u.s.tered, her free hand flying around in the air.

"Roxie, honey ... calm down. What do you mean, how do you act? Just be yourself for crying out loud. Geesh, do you think we use a manual with step by step instructions?" Nikki exclaimed.

"Well!!! I don't know, Nik! Cut me some slack here!" Rox whined.

"Okay, Rox. Look, there are no rules ... no expected behaviors. You just need to follow your heart," Nikki explained before pausing slightly. "Rox, this isn't about being gay ... it's about being in love. Okay ... so you're in love with a woman! Yes, that changes things, but it's still love - don't you see?" Nikki urged.

Rox was silent for several moments.

"Roxie?" Nikki asked.

"I'm here, Nik," she said, pausing again. "Nikki, I have so much to think about. Look, I'm going to run upstairs to check on Ca.s.s. I'll call you later this afternoon, okay?" she said.

"All right. Honey, call me if you need to talk ... promise?" Nikki asked.

"I promise. I'll talk to you later, Nik. Love you," Rox proclaimed.

"Love you too, sweetie, bye," Nikki said before hanging up.

Rox stood there holding the receiver in her hand, staring into s.p.a.ce until the buzzing from the open telephone line broke her reverie. Snapping out of her trance, she reached forward and hung up the phone. Taking a deep breath, she headed for the stairs.

"Ca.s.s?" Rox said from behind the closed door. "Ca.s.s?" she said again.

Rox had climbed the stairs to the second story, nervously antic.i.p.ating the upcoming conversation with Ca.s.s. She was beside herself with anxiety, and thoroughly confused about what she was feeling for this tall, dark beauty. Rox, calm down ... Nikki is right, she said to herself. This is about love. Forget that she's a woman for a moment. You would know just what to do if she were a man ... think! Take it slowly, she agonized as she approached the bedroom door and knocked softly. Several moments later, she was still standing in the hall, waiting for a response from the tired pilot. Finally, Rox reached down and gently turned the handle, slowly pus.h.i.+ng the door open and peering inside.

The room was empty ... the bed was made.

Rox looked around the room frantically. "Ca.s.s?" she called out futilely, seeing no one in the room upon entering. Turning around, she ran out into the hall to check the second story bathroom. The door was wide open ... the room was vacant.

"Ca.s.s?" she said again, her voice a little more frantic.

Maybe she went exploring, her subconscious mind suggested, as she headed toward the stairs to the attic office. Taking the stairs as fast as her injuries would allow, she reached the top and looked around the empty room. She even investigated the widow's walk -- walking completely around the periphery of the second story -- but to no avail.

"Where is she?" she asked out loud as she stepped back into the office. Suddenly, she wondered if the tall woman had gone for an early morning walk on the beach. Walking back onto the widow's walk, she looked up and down the sh.o.r.eline. Not only was Ca.s.s nowhere to be seen, but the beach was totally deserted. Rox frowned as she once more reentered the office.

Thoroughly confused as to Ca.s.s' whereabouts, Rox descended the stairs to the second story and returned to the guestroom that Ca.s.s had occupied the night before. Entering the room, she noticed something she hadn't earlier ... a folded piece of paper on top of the pillow. Walking cautiously toward the bed, Rox looked down at the paper for long moments before hesitantly reaching for it. Unfolding the note, she immediately noticed the strong, bold cursive penmans.h.i.+p. Her mind subconsciously registered the appropriateness of the strokes as she began to read ...

"My Dearest Rox,

I know this is taking the coward's way out, but I couldn't bear to say good bye to you face to face this morning. I have lost my heart to you, dear bard. I lost it the day I looked into emerald green eyes staring up at me from the back of your book cover. No one has ever affected me this way before.

As you came through the kitchen door and I looked into your face yesterday, my heart and soul completely surrendered to you ... they no longer belong to me. I saw something else in your face as well ... confusion, fear, anxiety. I didn't know at the time what caused those vile emotions ... I didn't know until later ... until after Chris was arrested and you confessed the confusion of my gender with that of my co-pilot, Brian.

I have so much to be grateful for in my life, the best of which was the opportunity to love you. I am sorry that I have hurt you ... that is the last thing I ever wanted to do. I will never forgive myself for deceiving you, dear love. It was not my intention to do so.

I am afraid Rox. I am afraid that I will never again find the kind of love I found in you. I am afraid that I will never feel again, the way I feel when I'm with you. When I lost Patti three years ago, I never dreamed that I would allow myself to fall in love again, but, alas, it has happened, and I have fallen so deeply, that I allowed that love to blind me to the possibility that you could not reciprocate. I have been a fool, and have caused you pain and discomfort in the process.

Once again, Rox, I'm sorry ... for deceiving you ... for hurting you ... for leaving the way I did ... but most of all, for not being what you want and need.

Oh, by the way, the offer still stands ... I will be here whenever you need me. Please don't hesitate to contact me by phone or e-mail. I will always be there for you, Rox ... all you have to do is call.

I love you Rox. I always will.

Ca.s.s"

A lone tear fell onto the page as Rox blinked. Oh my G.o.d, she said to herself. d.a.m.n you, Ca.s.s!

Sitting heavily on the edge of the bed, she allowed the note to float to the floor as she buried her face in her hands and started to cry. Finally, she threw herself back on the bed and stared unseeingly at the ceiling. Why does this hurt so much? she asked herself. I barely know her. She's a woman, for G.o.d's sake, she insisted to herself. I know I feel strongly for her ... but ... but ... she's a woman!

Rox continued to agonize over her feelings for Ca.s.s for the next half hour, alternating between anger, and regret ... anger winning out in the end. Finally she rose from the bed and climbed the stairs to the attic, after first retrieving Ca.s.s' note from the floor.

By the time the computer had finished booting up, Rox was in a rage. Sitting down in front of the screen, she selected Netscape Messenger and posed her hands over the keyboard, ready to vent. Selecting "New Message", she began to type.

"Ca.s.s,

When I awoke this morning and found you gone, my first instinct was panic, quickly followed by regret, and finally, by anger. You are right - you took the coward's way out. d.a.m.n you, Ca.s.s ... why did you run? You waltzed into my life, announced that you are in love with me, then, poof! ... you disappeared.

I am so angry with you right now ... how the h.e.l.l am I supposed to react to that? Do you always drop bombsh.e.l.ls on people and then run before they explode? You had no right to do that to me, Ca.s.s.

Yes, it is true, I mistook your ident.i.ty ... How could I do otherwise? I have never been attracted to women ... at least not before you came into my life. I won't deny that this terrifies me. In fact, it scares the s.h.i.+t out of me ... and by the looks of your little mutiny, it scares you as well.

I don't appreciate you leaving the way you did. I would have liked to spend some time talking this over. You've made that just a little hard to do by putting 3,000 miles between us. Christ, Ca.s.s, I could just shake you!

All right, I'm going to end this note before I say something I'll really regret. Know that I still care deeply for you, and I really do want to continue our friends.h.i.+p. Please don't pull away from me now, I need your help to understand what I am feeling for you.

I'll talk to you later,

Rox"

Rox quickly scanned the contents of the note before clicking on 'send' and watching her anger recede into cybers.p.a.ce. Sitting back in her chair, she felt her anger and anxiety ease as she logged off the 'Net and opened her word processor to continue working on her book.

CHAPTER XXVIII.

"Ca.s.s!" THE VOICE shouted. "Ca.s.s, open the G.o.d dammed door!"

Ca.s.s slowly lifted her head off the pillow and looked around, not really sure where she was. Finally, the realized that she was in her own bed, and that someone was pounding on her front door. Glancing at the digital clock on the night stand, she noted the time - 9:08 a.m.

"Ca.s.sidy Conway, you open this door right now, or I'll bust it down!" came the voice. "Do you hear me!!?"

Ca.s.s sat up and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. Rising to her feet, she half walked, half staggered into the living room and headed for the door.

Reaching for the doork.n.o.b, she heard the threatening words, "All right, Ca.s.s, I warned you!"

Ca.s.s opened the door just as Angie launched herself toward it, the momentum causing her to fly through the open doorway, landing face down on the floor. Ca.s.s just stood over the p.r.o.ne woman, with her hands on her hips. "You sure do know how to make an entrance, Ang," she said dryly.

Angie reached up. "Don't just stand there, help me up!" she exclaimed angrily. After Ca.s.s helped her to her feet, she turned on the tall woman. "Where the h.e.l.l have you been? I've been worried sick!" she demanded. "You haven't answered your phone, you weren't at work, you didn't come to the diner for your meals ... Christ woman, are you TRYING to make me gray?"

"Angie, I was out of town," Ca.s.s explained.

"Out of town? For three days? Where did you go, Europe?" she asked sarcastically.

Ca.s.s walked wearily to the couch and sat down heavily. Dropping her face into her hands, she rubbed vigorously before running her hands through her hair. Suddenly, she looked up at her friend. "Did you say three days?" she asked. "What day is this?"

Angie sat on the coffee table in front of Ca.s.s and reached forward to feel her forehead. "Ca.s.s, are you all right?" she asked. "You don't seem to be running a fever," she added.

Ca.s.s endured the affectionate attention. "Ang, what day is this?" she repeated.

"It's Friday, Ca.s.s. You've been gone since Tuesday. The airline told me that your Mexico run arrived on time Tuesday night, but they hadn't seen you since. Ca.s.s - where were you?" the older woman asked again.

"Friday? Wow! I have just slept the past 19 hours away!" she exclaimed.

Angie leaned forward and took Ca.s.s' face in her hands. "Talk to me, sweetie. I have been worried sick about you. Ca.s.s, honey, where have you been?" she pleaded, looking directly into Ca.s.s' blue eyes.

Ca.s.s frowned as she remembered her harried trek across the country on Tuesday night, the tumultuous meeting with Chris on the beach, and her heartbreaking encounter with Roxanne later that afternoon. Her eyes welled up with tears as she closed them tight, hoping that Angie had not seen the torment in their depths.

"Ca.s.s, I can see the pain in your eyes," Angie said.

d.a.m.n! thought Ca.s.s.

"Talk to me, love," she urged.

Ca.s.s opened her eyes and allowed the tears to roll down her cheeks. The sight of this strong, competent woman exposing her broken heart was more than Angie could take. Rising to her feet, she moved to sit beside Ca.s.s, then opened her arms to the taller woman. Ca.s.s immediately fell into them and sobbed like an infant. Her heart wrenching cries tore through Angie's heart as she shed tears right along with the younger woman. After long moments, Ca.s.s calmed down and made an effort to compose herself.

"Now, Ca.s.s ... please tell me," Angie urged once more as she wiped her eyes with the back of her hands.

Ca.s.s sniffed loudly. "Maine .... I was in Maine," Ca.s.s said abruptly.

"You went to her? Ca.s.s, she isn't ..." Angie said nervously.

Ca.s.s immediately reacted, trying to disperse the older woman's fear. "No! No, Angie ... she's not dead. She's very much alive. Banged up, but alive," she said.

"Thank G.o.d!" Angie exclaimed. "So tell me about it. Why are you so upset?" she asked.

Ca.s.s rose to her feet and started pacing back and forth in front of the couch, Angie's head moving along with her, like a slow motion spectator at a tennis match. Angie was just about to lose patience with Ca.s.s, when she suddenly stopped pacing and looked at her.

"Angie, Rox isn't gay," she explained.

Angie was very confused. "Ca.s.s ..." she said haltingly. "What do you mean, she isn't gay?"

"She isn't gay, Angie. The b.a.s.t.a.r.d that's been beating her up is a man ... she has spent the past six years in a relations.h.i.+p with a man! Don't you get it? She's straight!" Ca.s.s exclaimed.

"But, Ca.s.s ... you sent her a picture. She said she was falling in love with you ... even after she saw the picture!" Angie reasoned.

Ca.s.s dropped her chin to her chest and sighed deeply. Very softly, she said, "I sent her a picture of Brian and I. She thought Brian was me."

Angie was stunned. She just sat there looking up at Ca.s.s. "Oh my G.o.d!" she managed after a few moments. "Ca.s.s ... I'm so sorry! G.o.d, honey, that must have been so difficult for you! How did Rox take it?"

Dropping to the floor right where she stood, Ca.s.s sat cross-legged and looked up at Angie. With an anguished voice, she answered her friend. "At first, she wouldn't even let me touch her. It broke my heart, Ang. In fact, she ran away from me when she realized who I was."