Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 15

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...

Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle...it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Detective Santa.

A policeman was interrogating 3 Singh brothers who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first Singh a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first Singh answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly fl.u.s.tered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second Singh and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second Singh smiles and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third Singh and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The Singh looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the Singh replied. "He can't wear regular gla.s.ses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Telegrams - Misinterpreted.

TELEGRAM #1.

A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as : "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

TELEGRAM #2.

A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife :"I wish you were here." The message received by wife:"I wish you were her."

TELEGRAM #3.

A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as : "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."

TELEGRAM #4.

A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her parents house in Delhi. When the man went to Ajmer, he asked his servant to send a telegramto his wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer. He sent a telegram. When the wife received the telegram, she fainted. It was written: "Sethji aaj mar gaye!" (Sethji Ajmer gaye).

TELEGRAM #5.

A man wants to celebrate his wifes Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says : lets put, "you are not getting older! You are getting better". The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?" The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom. The real fun didnt start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake : "You are not getting older at the top, You are getting better at the bottom".

The Perfect Husband.

The Perfect Husband There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H - Husband, W - Wife) H - "h.e.l.lo?"

W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

H - "Yes."

W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

H - "What's the price?"

W - "Only $1,000."

H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealers.h.i.+p and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me really good price .. and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

H - "What price did he quote you?"

W - "Only $60,000..."

H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

H - "What?"

W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."

H - "How much are they asking?"

W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"

W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

H - "Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?" !!!!!

Street Actor's Job In The Zoo.

One day an street-actor is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the fellow that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the performer a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The actor accepts.

So the next morning before the crowd arrives the street-actor puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws larger crowds than he ever did as a performer on the street.

However, eventually the crowd tires of him and he tires of just swinging on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a part.i.tion, and dangles from the top of the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the actor a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the street-actor keeps taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one day when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips and falls. The performer is terrified. The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce. The performer is so scared that he begins to run around the cage with the lion in hot pursuit.

Finally, the actor starts screaming and yelling, "Help! Help me!"

The lion is quick and pounces. The performer soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion.

The lion says, "Shut up you idiot or we'll both lose our jobs!"

Lawyer Slagging.

The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...

1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just pa.s.ses quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3) Q: What happened then?

A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'

Q: Did he kill you?

4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6) Were you alone or by yourself?

7) How long have you been a French Canadian?

8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9) Q: I show you exhibit and ask you if you recognize that picture.

A: That's me.

Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? 11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?

A: I'll be three months on November 8.

Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?

A: Yes.

Q: What were you doing at that time?

13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?

A: I used to be.

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14) So you were gone until you returned?