Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 17

A: The best way to know for sure is to ask Santa Claus next time you see him.

Q: Why do we hear so many bells at Christmas time?

A: Because so many people ring them.

Q: Why do so many people ring bells at Christmas time?

A: For the poor, for the joy, and because a bell can say what words can't say.

Q: What can't words say?

A: The moment you wake up on Christmas morning, listen carefully. You may hear then what words can't say.

Jokes7.

A young girl missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is amiscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll screw her again!"

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a !

Soft,wonderful and larger than a "real one"

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bas#*tard," she screamed at him. "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."

Weird Facts.

Weird Facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.).

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!) .

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.).

A pig's o.r.g.a.s.m lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.).

A c.o.c.kroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

(Creepy, but I'm still not over the pig.).

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.).

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates s.e.x by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the....?!").

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??).

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?).

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quant.i.ty)

b.u.t.terflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.).

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm........).

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) .

Elephants are the only animals that cannot! jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....).

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) .

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.).

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.).

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.).

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have s.e.x for pleasure.

(What about that pig??).

GM Vs MS.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon". In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.You'd have to press the "Start" b.u.t.ton to turn the engine off.

Some Things To Ponder.

What is the speed of dark?