Jokes Book Collection Part Vii Part 15

A Dozen Indian Software engineers waiting for a free Haircut !!

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the fifth time, chicken!"

Betty and Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pa.s.sed and finally Peter returned.

"Yes, we can do this for you."

"Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out there's a possibility that we could be divorced?' To which St. Peter answered "It took me six months to find a priest in heaven...how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer up there?"

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The pa.s.sion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he should be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then take it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says "Okay, I'm ready, let's go to the cash register."

The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff."

The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while," quips the husband

The reception had ended and the newlyweds had just sneaked off to the honeymoon resort. After supper and champagne, the groom retired to the bedroom. But Julie pulled a chair up to the balcony doors and sat there, gazing at the stars.

"Dear," asked the somewhat impatient husband. "Aren't you coming to bed?"

"No," Julie announced. "My mother told me this was going to be the most beautiful night of my life, and I don't want to miss a single minute of it."

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even more intoxicated. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour pa.s.ses and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No! I don't wanna get in, I wanna get out!"

A little boy says to a girl, "How many knees do you have?"

The little girl says, "Well, I only have two. A left and a right knee. What about you?"

The boy replies, "I have four knees. A left knee, a right knee, a hinee, and a weenie!!!"

One More Q:) What did one t.e.s.t.i.c.l.e say to the other?

A:) Don't mind the a.s.shole behind us! It's the p.r.i.c.k ahead we're working for!

MATHEMATICIANS.

hunt Lions by throwing out everything that is not a Lion and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique Lion before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique Lion and then leave the detection and capture of an actual Lion to their graduate students.

QUANTUM MECHANICS SCIENTISTS.

spend their time trying to ascertain whether a Lion is only visible when there is someone there to see it and go on to design fiendishly complicated traps for theoretical Lions involving small amounts of radioactive substances and gla.s.s vials of toxic vapour (Schrodinger's Lion).

LOGICIANS.

don't hunt Lions; for them it is sufficient to prove the existence of Lions and Lion-hunters and an additional theorem which proves that Lion-hunters do indeed hunt Lions (at least in theory).

COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS.

hunt Lions by exercising Algorithm A.

Go to South Africa Start at the Cape of Good Hope Work northward, traversing the continent alternately east and west During each traverse a) catch all observed animals b) compare each animal caught to a known Lion c) stop when a match is detected Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known Lion in Cairo to ensure the Algorithm will terminate. a.s.sembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

HARDWARE ENGINEERS.

hunt Lions by catching tawny animals at random and stopping when any one of them weighs plus or minus 15% of any previously observed Lions.

(Owners of overweight Red Persian Longhairs beware!) ECONOMISTS.

don't hunt Lions, but believe that if Lions are paid enough they will hunt themselves.

POLITICIANS.

hunt Lions by cutting off their social security payments as an incentive for Lions to hunt themselves.

PROTECTION RACKETEERS.

hunt Lions by making them an offer they can't refuse.

STATISTICIANS.

hunt the first animal they see n times and call it a Lion.

CONSULTANTS.

don't hunt Lions. Many have never hunted anything at all, but can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations Research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat-size and bullet-colour to the efficiency of Lion-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the Lion.

SENIOR MANAGEMENT.

set broad Lion-hunting policy based on the a.s.sumption that Lions are just like big Red-Self Persians but with deeper voices.

SALESPEOPLE.

don't hunt Lions. They spend their time selling the Lions they haven't caught, for delivery two weeks before the season opens. Software salespeople s.h.i.+p the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for a Lion. Hardware salespeople catch Maine c.o.o.n kittens, paint them tawny and sell them as desktop Lions.

QUALITY a.s.sURANCE INSPECTORS.

ignore the Lions and look for mistakes the others made when they were parking the jeep.

CAT FANCIERS.

Don't hunt Lions but may attempt to breed them. However Lion-breeding strategy is affected by lack of CFA/TICA recognition of Lions and the fact that Lions don't fit into standard show-cages. Any hint of non-Lions in a 5 generation pedigree adversely affects recognition of Lions. Purists argue that any hint of non-tawny Lions (e.g. sporadic occurrence of White Lions, Dappled Lions) invalidates recognition. IRCA may already breed Genuine Lions in which case they will place advertis.e.m.e.nts which claim that Lions from other sources are half-bred or overbred lookalikes; there are rumours that they have already created the Leonoid, a cat which can be bred to any other cat and produce a Lion. Liberal-minded and progressive Lion-breeders attempt to extend the range of available Lions through outcrossing, resulting in Rex Lions (Li-Rex), Wirehair Lions, LaPerm Lions (LeoPerms), Sphynx Lions, Manx Lions (Li-Manx), Scottish Fold Lions, Spotted Lions, Colorpoint Lions (Liamese), Sepia Lions and calico Lions. Unfortunately most Lion-breeding experiments do not result in newly recognised Lion varieties, not because of genetic faults in the breeding stock, but because Lions view potential outcross mates, Lion-breeders and show judges as between-meals snacks. Miniature Lions (Lunchkins, Leo Tois, Leopuras) may solve this problem.

Little Johnny was sitting in cla.s.s doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question."Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None", replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well,the answer is four," said the teacher.

"But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now.

If there were three

women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second

biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married? "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking!"