Jokes Book Collection Part Vii Part 16

Rules for making INDIAN Movies.

1. If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will - die - join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.

2. If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savegely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).

3. Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be sustained. Else, it will be overruled.

4. The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.

5. In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.

6. When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never - miss - run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will -always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule).

7. Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of - pots - barrels - gla.s.s bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.

8. Any movie involving lost+found brothers will have a song sung by - the brothers - their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax) - the family dog/cat.

The amazing thing is that these folks remember the song after 20 years in the movie and you can't remember it 2 minutes after coming out of the theatre.

9. Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in three categories: - Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father - killed by the villain before the t.i.tles.

- Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in rule), saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte",only to pat him in the back in reel 23.

Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero.

- The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax).

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop.

He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over.

He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please."

The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts?"

The old man says, "No, Arthritis!"

The following are true incidents of really stupid things people have done.

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pa.s.s two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven st.i.tches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five pa.s.sengers was. .h.i.t by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page ma.n.u.script to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Was.h.i.+ngton DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy b.u.t.ton each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

There is a general feeling in the public that IIT students are found una.s.sumingly lost in thought almost all the time. And girls fare no better in this respect.

So let us see what a Non IITain may face when he marries a girl from this campus.

SCENE: First night of the marriage.

CHARACTERS: IIT Bride and Non IIT Groom.

The Groom approaches the Bride and proposes to kiss her. So let us see what would be her reaction...

GIRL FROM DEPT OF PHYSICS: Well kissing is relative. You can kiss me with respect to me or with respect to you. First define how you are going to kiss.

You can kiss me by treating me in the same reference frame as you are or treating me in a different inertial frame by producing waves of motion through your lips. How do you prefer?

The guy faints.

GIRL FROM DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: Kissing is fine. You can kiss me provided you satisfy the following conditions Necessary conditions: You should be close to me by a distance delta where delta is greater than zerO and the limit for delta tends to zero and you satisfy the closure property.

Sufficient conditions: You should have lips. Where the number of lips is neither more than two nor less than two. You can also kiss by defining your hand to be me if and only if you satisfy the above conditions.

The guy goes mad.

GIRL FROM CS(Computer Science): You want to kiss me. That is fine I a.s.sume that you know the algorithm forthat very well. But you have to complete the process within 56.22 seconds or else connection will be timed out. To optimize the timing lets do parallel processing. As we have to discuss about our future and other things, let us do the process of discussion foreground and why can't you put the process of Kissing background?

The guy applies for divorce.

GIRL from Electronics Engineering: So you would like to kiss me. The process of kissing is an age old communication process. The information content of the signal transmitted from one pair of lips to the other is more if the probability of the event (of kissing) is less 2E Hence take care. If you want a successful communication between us, you should kiss me less often. If the information content is to be infinite, you should never kiss me at all!

The guy is found hanging from fan next day.

HOW IS IT!!!

A group of nuns were traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.

As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h!" he screamed.

"Sir, that is inappropriate language," the eldest nun said. "We understand you're upset, but must you use such language?"

"My apologies, Sister," he replied, and tried again. It slipped again and nearly smashed his fingers. "Son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h!" he screamed.

"Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language," the nun scolded. "If changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would be best if you didn't help us."

"I'm sorry, Sister, but I get so upset that it just comes out," the trucker replied.

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset. Say something like 'Dear Lord, help me'."

Once more, the trucker attempted to jack up the car and again it slipped. He began to blurt out "Son..." but quickly caught himself and said, "Dear Lord, help me."

At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.

Staring in amazement, the nuns exclaimed, "Son-of-a-b.i.t.c.h!"

INDIAN MATHEMATICS.

* SSC + HSC + BMS + MBA = UNEMPLOYMENT * An Idea + An Idiot = A Dotcom * One Chinese gymnast = India's Gold Medal tally since 1896 * Sushmita Sen - 2.2 feet > Salman Khan * Special Effects in Shampoo ads > Special effects in Jura.s.sic park * 4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand = 4 minute song in Bollywood * One engagement + Two weddings + Three wedding songs+ Four hundred relatives + A house bigger than Buckingham Palace = One Sooraj Barjataya Film * Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery + acting ability + personality + own production company = Kajol * Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favorite serials * Star Movies - Rerun + Good Movies = HBO * Amitabh Bachchan - Mrityudaata + Kaun Banega Crorepati = A SUPERSTAR * Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan = Abhishek Bachchan - Talent * Atal Bihari - Bad knee = Still our LAST HOPE.

You are Indian if...

1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and tomatoes.

2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.

3. You try to eject food particles from between your teeth by pressing your tongue against them and making a peculiar noise like, ts.h.i.+ck, ts.h.i.+ck, tschick, tschick.

4. You are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.

5. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think its normal.

6. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to mark up.

7. You recycle Wedding Gifts.

8. You name your children in rhythms (example, Honey & Money, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam.) 9. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.

10. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says "No Food Allowed"

11. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.

12. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.

13. You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch.

14. Your parents tell you to not care what your friends think but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other "Uncles And Aunties" will think.