Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 11

Her response was that she had read the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Personal Pizza.

One day after work, a blonde walked into a pizza parlor and ordered a small personal pizza.

When it was finished, the waiter asked the blonde if she wanted it cut into four pieces or eight.

The blonde thought a bit and said "Better make it four, I'd never be able to eat eight."

Reloading.

A bachelor finally gets this date with a well-endowed (but, needless to say, not too bright) blonde, and figures he'll get some action that night. So he decides to go up on the top of his apartment building and strip naked to get a tan. Well, unfortunately, he burns his c.o.c.k by staying out too long. So he thinks he can put on some lotion and be alright for the night.

Well, that night he is sitting on his couch with the blonde when he gets an itching sensation. He can't take it anymore so he excuses himself and walks into the kitchen and pours a gla.s.s of milk and places his d.i.c.k in it.

The blonde walks in a second later and says stunned, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

Scaring the Kid.

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted is hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

"You b.a.s.t.a.r.d," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

Tax on Condom.

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.

"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.

"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."

"Tax," replies the clerk.

"Gee", says the blond, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."

The $50 Bet.

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet".

So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money".

The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Transferred Blonde Staff.

As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's stunning, blonde staffers was transferred from Aberdeen Maryland to an obscure base in Utah.

The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last a.s.signment."

The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will it be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?"

Two Blonde in a Bank Robbery.

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Jody plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.

The robbery begins. Jody drives up to the front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "Are you absolutely sure you understand the plan? You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Understand?"

"Perfectly," said Buffie.

Buffie goes into the bank while Jody waits in the getaway car. One minute pa.s.ses . . Two minutes pa.s.s ... Seven minutes pa.s.s ... and Jody is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe into the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Jody says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

Buffie said, "I did...I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Jody. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

Cannibal Fruit Test.

Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pa.s.s a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your b.u.t.t without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."