Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 63

Playing in a Closet.

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ...."

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaked the husband.

"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob."

Rooster and Cat.

Little Johnny's father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said, "Okay, Johnny, once there was this big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post. How many wings does the rooster have?"

Johnny replied, "It has two." Little Johnny's father then asked, "How many eyes does the rooster have?" Johnny replied, "It has two." Little Johnny's father then asked, "Well then, how many legs do you think the rooster had?" Johnny replied, "It has two, daddy."

So then, Little Johnny's daddy said, "Well then, a white cat walks up to where the big black rooster is standing on the fence post and opens its mouth to hiss at the rooster. How many teeth does the cat have?"

Little Johnny scratched his head and replied, "I don't know daddy, how many teeth does the cat have?"

Little Johnny's daddy grabbed him by the arm and exclaimed, "Alright boy, how come you know so much about big black c.o.c.k and so little about white p.u.s.s.y?"

Sleeping with his Teacher.

One day a 5th grade cla.s.s was taking a field trip but the weather was extremely bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to stay in a hotel for the night.

So Little Johnny was sleeping in the same room as his teacher.

In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frightened by the sight of Johnny standing right over her.

He asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep.

She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she said okay.

Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly b.u.t.ton...and she said "NO".

"But my mommy lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps."

So the teacher says " okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do."

And a few minutes later the teacher says "OH...that's not my bellyb.u.t.ton."

And Johnny says, "that's not my finger."

Super Glue.

A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered.

The salesman asked if his father was at home.

Little Johnny: "Yes."

The salesman: "Well, can I see him please?"

Little Johnny: "No, he is in the shower."

The Salesman asked if his mother was at home.

Little Johnny: "Yes."

The Salesman: "Well can I see her?"

Little Johnny: "No, she's in the shower too.."

The Salesman: "Do you think they will be out soon?"

Little Johnny: "No."

The salesman asked why.

Little Johnny: "Well, when my dad asked me for the vaseline I gave him some super glue instead."

Too Young to Smoke.

A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette.

He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke."

Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything.

The guy says, "How old are you?"

Johnny says, "Six."

The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?"

Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid.

The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"

Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."

Trampling on.

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning.

Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper.

His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some b.u.t.terflies, and soon started catching them and crus.h.i.+ng them under his feet.

His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No b.u.t.ter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when c.o.c.kroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the c.o.c.kroaches were dead.

Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

Visiting a Zoo.

Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother.

They go to the elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak. Johnny points to the pachyderm's privates and says, "Mommy, what's that?"

Mommy, seeing the huge p.e.n.i.s, turns bright red and says, "Oh, that's nothing. Never mind. Come along now."

A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny grabs his dad by the hand, and pulls him over the elephants, saying he has a question.

Once there, Johnny points to the elephant's p.e.n.i.s and says, "Daddy, what's that?"

Dad replies, "Didn't your mother tell you?"