A Wife's Cry Chapter 22

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“Are you listening?!” I snapped at Leila, and then covered the screen of the cellphone she was holding.

“Yes, I'm listening!” She came back at me as she grabbed her phone back and put it inside her bag.

I just leaned back at my seat and took a bite of my apple pie. “Who are you texting that you seem to be preoccupied?”

“No one! You know what? You've been grumpy!” She irately regarded. “Yesterday, you were grumpy. Today you are still grumpy. If you don't know, my beloved cousin, you've been like that for weeks already. Even on the phone, you seem to be in a bad mood. I don't know if it's your first day, or if you're pregnant, or if you're already in your menopausal stage, that you go on mood swings.”

I rolled my eyes on her and took a sip of my frappucino. Look at her; she still has the nerves to provoke me when I'm feeling down in the dumps!

“Know what, Vannie.” Suddenly, there was a change in the tone of her voice, “It's okay to be jealous. I understand you. That's his ex and it's normal for you to feel that way. And if you can't forgive him that easily, I also understand. But please, I hope for you to realize that your husband always gives you a problem. For G.o.d's sake! When will you two not fight?”

I looked at her serious face, and then I placed my frap back on the round table. I sighed a deep one, “I've already realized that, Lei. I've also grown sick and tired of this.”

“Me, too. I've grown tired of the both of you. Didn't you notice that every time we meet and talk, it's always about your problem with Allen? It's always your hard feelings about him that you rant about. If this food isn't delicious enough, I might have already puked. Give yourself a break, Vannie! Look at you! Look at that dark bags under your eyes!”

I shut my eyes tight and breathed deeply. It took a while before I was able to speak again, “I'm so close to giving up, Lei. I'm losing hope.” I told her.

I heard her sigh as she held my arm on the table, and then I bowed my head.

“Vannie, listen to me. I'm suggesting two things. It's either you fight until you can't fight no more. Own him and make sure he won't see his ex ever again if that's what you're worried about, or…

…leave him.”

I instantly lifted my head up and gave her a sharp look.

“No, seriously. Leave him.” She repeated.

Again, I bowed my head, but she sternly shook my arm so I was forced to s.h.i.+ft my gaze back onto her.

“Do you know why your husband is like that? Because he knows you won't leave him.”

I bit by lower lip unconsciously – I admit, that hit me.

“Leave him, Vanessa. Make him realize your worth and for you to have a break, too. Because look at you, you're damaged inside. Since you got married, you lost time and love for yourself. It's always him that you think about. You already forgot that you have to take care of yourself, too.” She paused for a while. “Give each other time and s.p.a.ce. Get back that respect yourself deserves. I will help you if you want. I know a good lawyer. What do you say?”

I got back to my senses when I felt my phone vibrating – it's Allen. I could only sigh and shake my head. He's been calling me since 4 in the afternoon. He's also been leaving me text messages asking my whereabouts.

I cancelled his phone call and hurled my phone into my bag. I'm certainly not in the mood to answer any of his calls nor messages. I already know what he's going to say - it's all on record in my head; I can even mock the tone of his voice. He's gonna get mad at me for leaving the house and I'm already fed up. It's always been this way; there's nothing new.

It's just unusual, though, that he's home early. He started calling me around 4 in the afternoon when he usually arrives the house at 7.

I peeked in the window of the cab and saw how bad the traffic was – I'm out of luck today. It looks like this trip's gonna take long, so I leaned back and closed my eyes.

Until now, I still don't talk to Allen. We've been like this for three days already. I will only get up in the morning to cook and prepare breakfast for him, and then I will go back to sleep. At night, I do the same - I will cook and prepare dinner, wash the dishes, and then go straight to sleep.

This is burning me out. In fact, I'm starting to get bored. This is how my life has always been even before, but I don't know why I'm starting to feel cold. I avoid him when he tries to reach out; I refuse him when he wants to have s.e.x at night – I just don't feel like doing it. It's a good thing, though, that he doesn't blow up.

I notice that he's been more patient with me now. Before, rejecting him once and turning my back on him would cause him to tick off and yell at me; but it has changed. Now, if I don't give him any response, he would just keep silent. I think, he already realized that I don't want to talk about it first and I need time to cool down about what happened.

He explained to me everything in full details and he also said sorry many times. I appreciate his effort to say he's sorry, but still, I'm hurt too much that even if he already explained his side, I can't forgive him. I think it's already too late. What can I do? The damage has been done.

His sorry couldn't erase the sorrow I've felt and everything that I've been through when he was away for almost three weeks - those nights of crying myself to sleep, those nights of overthinking and full of doubts, and that night that I saw his ex-girlfriend; everything that I came to know.

His sorry alone can't fix everything. The pain he inflicted on me was just too much that I'm starting to lose hope in us. As wistful as it may seem, but I think I'm already falling out of love. Maybe it's just the way it is if you've been hurting – the magic that's pus.h.i.+ng me to fight, love, and stay is vanis.h.i.+ng little by little.

Maybe I could accept his sorry, but I couldn't forget. He can't even understand what I'm going through. I almost lost my sanity to so much worrying about him then - where he might be and when he'd be back home.

I gave him several chances to explain and tell me everything, but he didn't. What's worse is that, if we didn't happen to come across his ex-girlfriend that night and if I didn't emerge livid, he wouldn't tell me everything. It wrings the heart that our marriage had to reach this point that we needed to fight before he tells me the complete truth.

Well, I'm trying to understand him, too, including that ‘own reason‘ of his; but that's not important. I don't care about any of his explanations either. I don't know if it's just me, but keeping secrets would only cause harm in any relations.h.i.+p, under any circ.u.mstance. So, even if that's for the betterment of our relations.h.i.+p, I still find it difficult to forgive him. Maybe it's because I was hurt before I learned the truth? Is that it?

I realized, too, that even if he told me he would be staying in Madrid longer to settle things out between him and his ex-girlfriend, I'd still be all torn up – I might have grown more paranoid in that case. Maybe I didn't have any second thoughts about following him in Spain and I might have even done something careless.

That will drive me crazy - him calling me to say he'll just talk to his ex? d.a.m.n! Right now I can't even tell which better - him, telling me beforehand or him, keeping it to himself – because either way, it will still hurt my feelings or I couldn't accept it. The fact that he was with his ex-girlfriend, for whatever reason, would take away my sanity.

Yes, I trust him- he only wanted to settle their unfinished business. But they had been together for two weeks! How does he think I would feel? Be glad? I trust him, but not Lauren nor anyone around them.

It's not that I hate Lauren as a person. I just don't like her persona in the life of Allen and I. She was the reason why Allen found it hard to fall in love with me, why he acted cold before, and why I had a thing with Zian.

If she wasn't a part of my husband's life, I would've been happy, because I know that Allen can love me wholeheartedly. But because there was her, Allen doesn't care about me. She had been my problem before; and now, it's her again.

It beats me, but I don't see myself befriending her or whatever. Even if Allen tells me every time that Lauren's a good person, I still don't like her and I don't want her to be my friend. Because first of all, I'm true to myself. I'm not like her who can casually converse with the wife of his ex-boyfriend. I just find it awkward.

She even acted like we're longtime friends who haven't seen each other in a while when we b.u.mped into each other. She's so insensitive, in such a way that she needed to flaunt that my dress was 'carefully' chosen by her.
“Ma'am? Do we go straight ahead or turn left?” The taxi driver suddenly asked, bringing me back to my senses.

“Uhh, please turn left, then straight to the black gate.” I answered.

I fixed all my things, including the paper bag I was carrying earlier. After I zippered my bag close, the cab stopped right in front of our house. The lights outside were turned off, but I noticed the draperies on the full-gla.s.s window rolled open, indicating that Allen's here. It's only 6 in the evening, but he's back home.

I paid the taxi driver, and then headed straight the gate.

“Where have you been?”

I stiffened and felt nervous, but not as anxious as before when he would know I left the house.

I saw him on the porch swing – his arms were crossed, as if he's been waiting for long in vain. Even if the lights were out, I can see how sharp his looks were. As usual, he's mad. I paid no heed and entered the house. But I was stopped of his pull on my elbows.

“I'm asking you, Vanessa. Where were you? I've been calling you. Didn't I tell you to stay here?”

He asked me calmly, though, but there's still the authority in his voice and his looks were fierce. Of course, I tried to show a brave front and gave him a look, too.

“Why? You also go out to wherever you want to right? Why can't I?” Then I pulled my arm back and turned my back on him. I don't want us to fight. I'm tired; it happens every single day.

I hurled my bag to the sofa, placed the paper bag on the table, and headed to the kitchen. His welcome parched me with thirst. I was pouring some water on the gla.s.s when I felt him behind me. I just ignored him and continued to drink.

“Could you at least tell me where you've been?” He softly asked.

Is this real? Is he sick? What's wrong? His voice seems so gentle. Nevertheless, I didn't respond right away. I threw the water left on my gla.s.s to the sink, and then leaned my elbows there.

“I was with Leila.” I directly answered.

“You should've just asked her to come here.”

I peeped at him beside me and gave him a bored look. “Again? I want to go out, Allen. I want to roam around. I don't want it here. I've been alone here for weeks! It's worse than being a prisoner. I see no one, I speak with no one. You didn't come home, right?”

I was about to turn my back on him, but he pulled me on the arm, and then I s.h.i.+fted my gaze at him.

“Vannie, stop acting like this. Let's talk. I can't stand us being like this. I already explained everything to you and I already said sorry. Stop this, please?”

The words he uttered only went in one of my ears, and then out the other. I wasn't able to absorb what he just said as my eyes were locked on the watch he's wearing. My whole body felt numb, especially my hands.

“You met with her?” I asked without removing my stare at his watch.

I don't know why I bothered asking when it is obvious - he's wearing the watch! Then right at that instant, he glimpsed at his wrist, and then he immediately lost hold of my arm. He took off the watch and placed it inside his cotton pants.

It took him seconds to answer back, “S-she dropped by the office earlier. She just returned my watch. She immediately left right after.” He frowned.

I don't know, but I felt weak after he confirmed, like I was about to faint. My whole body is trembling, too. What's with the watch that she still has to return it? G.o.d! My husband can buy any watch of his preference no matter how expensive! Doesn't she know that?

Okay fine, she's just kind that's why she wanted to return the watch that's left in her place. But what the h.e.l.l! The person is married! Is she that insensitive? Doesn't she know the word 'respect'? I strongly believe she's just making a way to see Allen!

I looked at my husband straight in the eyes, and then I turned my back on him. He held me on the arm once again, but I fended him off. I don't want to argue with him anymore. I don't want us to discuss that G.o.dd.a.m.n watch and his ex-girlfriend all over again! I'm just so sick and tired of this!

I left to get some clean utensils and brought them to the dining table. I'm beginning to lose myself and feel under the weather.

After I get some clean gla.s.ses, I felt him behind, following me. I just ignored him and continued to take out from the paper bag the food which I bought from the restaurant earlier. I ordered us some because I don't feel like cooking.

“Vanessa…” He called, suddenly holding my hand, causing me to stop what I was doing. I let him, but I didn't turn to look at him. I only stood blankly.

“She just returned my watch. That's all. We didn't talk about anything else if that's your worry. I just said thank you then—"

“I'm not saying anything, am I? I'm not even talking, right?”

I saw the change of reaction on his face - it turned bolder. I avoided him as I knw he's losing patience with me. For all I know, he's about to yell at me again. So, I sighed and pulled my arm back from him, “Sit down. I'll prepare dinner."

Then I left to get a pitcher of water and when I returned, I saw him stroking his temples. I sternly placed the pitcher of water on the table to get his attention. I saw him shocked to how I acted, but he didn't say a word.

I put some food on his plate before I sat down on the chair in front of him. I didn't sit beside him like I used to. I looked at him as he kept silent while eating. His face looked blank nor did he show any expression. He seemed to be thinking so deeply that he didn't even notice I wasn't eating.

I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I'm seriously ticking off! I find him annoying. Yes, he doesn't talk nor use high-sounding voice on me, but I'm still close to blowing up! Is it really this way if a person has been hurting? Because right now? I'm feeling more hate than love.

I'm hurt.

I'm jealous.

I'm fed up.

I'm not happy anymore.

“Allen…”

He peeked at me, but he continued taking his food. I looked straight to his face and gathered all courage to say…

“Maybe it's time for us to break up.”

He stiffened, like he was knocked down by a feather. He wobbly placed the spoon and fork on the plate, immediately wiped his mouth with the table napkin, and then he hurled it over. He stood up without saying anything. My senses got me to shut my eyes tight as he walked right past me.

I don't regret what I said nor do I have plans of taking it back. That's what I really wanted – I want us to separate. I give up because I'm sick and tired of this. Maybe marriage is not for us. We, especially I, have tried really hard to keep this relations.h.i.+p alive, but it's just not working and we always end up hurting.

I can count using only my right hand the very few times we smiled at each other since we got married. I'm tired of all the hurt. I've only endured too much for too long and now, I'm giving up. I brushed my hair with my fingers, and then I stood up. I followed him outside the house.

Again, I saw him sitting on the porch swing, eyes locked afar. His elbows were resting on his knees as he twirled a cigarette stick on his fingers. I sat beside him. We were only a few span away, so I can hear his deep breathing. He doesn't need to explicitly tell me; I know he's moved by what I said. We stayed like this for long - sitting down so quietly and no talking, maybe hesitant of who would speak first.

In my peripheral vision, I can see him staring at me, so I peeked at him once, and then looked at another direction. Tsk, I can't stand to see him like that - face full of worries. It's my first time to see such pain and sadness in his eyes - no trace of anger nor hatred, only pure misery.

“Is it that hard to forgive me, Van?”

I shut my eyes tight. Even his voice sounded full of sorrow, low in spirits, and this is far from the Allen I know - always blowing a fuse and yelling.

“You still don't accept my explanation? Did I miss anything? Tell me.”
I still can't look at him, knowing he's staring at me. I inhaled, “It's not just that. We've been strained by a lot of things, Allen… So many that they already piled up. We cannot stay happy for long. Even if we try to, there will be something that would get in the way and I'm tired of this… to always hurt. I'm sure you also feel that way. Our marriage is rotting from inside out, Allen. Let's not fool ourselves. From the beginning, we're already damaged, so let's not push this. We'll only hurt ourselves and each other.” I explained in a slow pace so he could understand.

“You're the only one thinking that way."

I could only bow down. Tsk, this is way, way too difficult.

“Do you think you're the only one that's tired and hurting?” He added, as he threw the cigarette he was holding. “Me, too… I'm sick and tired of how you've been around me. I don't know what's happening to you and why you're acting that way. You're hurting me. And I'm not used to feeling this kind of pain.  I'm fighting for this relations.h.i.+p, Van. Can't you fight with me?”

“I no longer have the strength to do that. I'm tired.” I responded right away.

He brushed his hair with his finger as he breathed out a deep sigh. “Do you really have to do this? Was my fault that serious?”

Then he looked at me again, “Can't I be imperfect? I told you I just did that for the sake of our marriage and I already said sorry. I explained to you everything. What did I miss?”

I lifted my head up and gasped for air. He really doesn't understand me. He must haven't thought of everything I endured long after we've been married.

The truth is, I find myself stupid, like why have I thought of leaving him only now. I should've left him the first time he hurt me physically.

“Look at me…” I was stunned when he lifted up my chin to look at him. He stared at me straight in the eyes, but I avoided his gaze.

“I said look at me…” Then he gently moved my chin again.

“You don't like me anymore?” His asked, eyes full of worries.

“I'm not saying anything like that.”

“Then why are you asking for a separation? Because of what I did? That's too shallow.”

“I need it. We need it…” I moved my head from his hold.

I can't stand to look at him this time. He looked so down and out that my mouth can't speak a word.

I breathed deeply. “Let's give ourselves a break, Allen. Give me some time to mend myself. I'm gradually falling out of love of you. And it scares me that one day, I'd wake up without feeling anything for you anymore… That there's nothing left but hate. And I don't want that to happen, Allen.

So please, let me save what's left for you. Let me find myself again. And you, too… You should fix whatever is needed to be fixed.”
He shook his head as he stroked on his temples, like he couldn't absorb what I just said. “I can't understand you, Van. I thought we're already okay… Tsk."

“Let's take a break.”

“You think that would help?”

I nodded, “Let's bring back our old selves first. We need s.p.a.ce to think and look into things. We need this. Because right now, I'm really unsure how to get this relations.h.i.+p going. We're both torn inside. And I can't think of any other way to sort things out. Yes, it will either make us or break us. But we're left with no choice. This is better than fighting for this marriage. We'll only end up hating each other.”

He sighed, “And then what?”

I thought of about it very deeply before I answered, “And then… After we make ourselves whole again, we will give our marriage another shot.”

“What if we don't fix it?”

I looked at him beside me, and then I smiled bitterly. “Then we will find a lawyer for annulment.”

Without mentioning any word, he stood up from the swing, headed to our garden, and then stood there with hands on the waist. He lifted up his head, looking very troubled, as if he didn't know what to say anymore. I know how difficult this could be for him.

I stood up and followed him.

“So that's the way you really are.” He bitterly muttered after I went near him.

“When you're tired and you feel like giving up, you'll leave.” He added.

I could only bow my head down.

“Just like before, isn't it? You said I was cold and heartless, so you somehow left me and had a secret affair with my friend. And now, this. You're tired. You're bored. So you're leaving me again.”

I felt him turn his head to look at me, but I still didn't lifted my head. I'm having mixed emotions right now; I don't know if I want to cry, or if I'm just too irate of him, or if I'm just too down. Why does it feel like it's my fault even if I'm the one that's hurt?

So what more buck is he gonna pa.s.s onto me? That he has forgiven me despite my unfaithfulness before?

“Sorry if I wasn't able to give you what you want.” He said in a mournful tone. This is the first time I heard his very upset voice.

“Sorry if I wasn't able to meet your expectations as your husband. Sorry if you're tired, if I cause you pain, and if I have never made you feel happy. But don't give up. Because I'm doing my best, Vanessa. Maybe you can't feel it, but I'm doing everything I can to keep our relations.h.i.+p breathing…”

Then he sighed yet again, and brushed his hair with his fingers. That's what he does if everything goes south.

“I could give you the s.p.a.ce you're asking for.” He continued. “For how long do you want? Two weeks? Three? Sorry, but that's the most I can give you. I can't give you the separation you want. Ask for anything but that, Vanessa. Because to be honest…” He lifted up my chin and looked at me straight in the eyes, “I cannot afford to lose my wife.”

After that, he left me and went back inside our house.

I couldn't say a word; I was left speechless. What he said got through me and every single word that he uttered hit me. I was like being torn piece by piece. I felt his overflowing emotions through his words. But my decision is final. This is not just for me; this is for the both of us.

The truth is, it's not difficult and exhausting to love; what's tiring is getting hurt and fighting for it almost all of the time.

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